


Corporeal Essence

by childoflightning



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Daemons, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Has Panic Attacks, Bad Parenting, But he changes, Comfort/Angst, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders is Extra, Daemon Feels, Daemon Prejudice, Daemon Separation, Daemon Touching, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eventual Relationships, Gen, Good Deceit Sanders, Hurt Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Hurt/Comfort, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Logan is autistic, M/M, Morality | Patton Sanders is a Sweetheart, Morally Neutral Deceit Sanders, Multi, Non-binary character, Open to Interpretation, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Patton is an angel, Roman is Autistic, Roman is kind of a jerk, Same-Sex Daemons, Slow Burn, Stimming, Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, Teen Angst, Teenage Drama, Trans Character, Virgil has Anxiety, but it does get better, meltdowns, negative thinking, past bullying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-15
Updated: 2020-04-02
Packaged: 2020-05-12 12:54:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 65,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19229548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/childoflightning/pseuds/childoflightning
Summary: In a world with daemons, the Sides still find their way together through Logan's crush on Patton. A crush that Virgil enthusiastically supports until he finds out that Patton's best friend, Roman, was his childhood bully. A childhood bully Virgil is now forced to spend time with. And Virgil isn't quite sure he's changed for the better. Will Roman prove Virgil right? Or will he show Virgil that he truly has changed?-Virgil was seven when Adva Settled.“I’m a Veiled Chameleon,” she told him.“Okay,” he said, raising an eyebrow at the greenish lump. “Um, why?” he asked.“Well,” she hesitated, “Chameleons have always been a symbol of beauty and elegance. But there has also always been something secretive about them as well. They are terribly misunderstood creatures, and so are you.”-A daemon au also mixed with a high school theater au featuring slowburn enemies to friends to lovers Prinxiety.-Updates every other Thursday.Next Update: April 2nd





	1. Settle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Settle (v)- accept or agree to (something that one considers to be less than satisfactory).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: None

Virgil was seven when Adva Settled. Early by all means. Most pairs waited to their teen years, sometimes even past that, to Settle. The youngest person Virgil had met that had Settled was twelve. He was five years before that.

But, such was such and Adva had settled.

It went like this...

Virgil had awoken on a normal morning, gone through his normal morning routine when Adva suddenly broke the quiet.

“I’ve Settled,” she whispered into the quiet morning.

Virgil turned to look at his daemon. Just a minute ago she was an alpaca, last night, a spider monkey.

But now, now she was kind of a small scaly lump.

“Uh, what are you?” the seven year-old asked.

He, like many children, had studied many many daemon books, pouring over animal knowledge and lore in hopes to find his daemons final form. And yet, he wasn’t sure he had seen this. Plus, honestly, he hadn’t paid too much attention to the reptile section. They kind of grossed him out. And reptile daemons weren’t exactly bad persay, but they definitely had a certain connotation. They were often seen as sneaky and a sign of evil. Virgil didn’t know if there was any actual evidence supporting this, but it was how they were viewed anyways.

“I’m a Veiled Chameleon,” she told him.

“Okay,” he said, raising an eyebrow at the greenish lump. “Um, why?” he asked.

“Veiled Chameleon’s are territorial and don’t interact much with others. But their changing colors also ties them to being seen as a symbol of emotion. Yet they aren’t as colorful as many people expect.”

“I, uh, but I’m not like that at all?” Virgil whispered in confusion.

Virgil was not a chameleon. She seemed so majestic and sure of herself with her vibrant greens. Virgil wasn’t sure what he was, but it definitely wasn’t that. In fact, if anything he was the exact opposite. He was scared of everything. He had enough fear that his parents had even sent him to a doctor to get medicine to help him. He was an anxious mess. He was terrified of everything. Definitely not Chameleon material. Maybe like a mouse or squirrel, or perhaps even a worm.

“I don’t get it,” Virgil muttered.

Adva waddled over to him, fast tongue slithering in and out. Virgil reached down carefully to touch her, hand shaking slightly. She lifted her head to meet his hand in it’s descent. Warmth flooded through him.

“It’s okay,” she told him, “Trust me. This is us.”

And so he did.

* * *

Turned out that having a Chameleon as a daemon was a blessing and a curse. For one, it made all the kids want to talk to him. Which should be a good thing. But, Virgil hated talking to people. It made him anxious. Whenever he tried he always got tongue twisted and awkward until the other kid left. If they were nice they would politely come up with an excuse to leave. If they were mean they would laugh and tell all their friends about how much of a freak he was. With Adva in her new form, he had to deal with more people trying to talk to him, but once they realized how awkward he was, people just started to avoid him even more.

It was lonely being the only one Settled.

Because while beforehand he had been awkward and weird, well at least that was an abnormal form of normal. Afterall, there was always one or two kids who were awkward or weird.

But no one else in his class was Settled. No one else in his grade was Settled. In fact, he wasn’t sure if there was even a single kid in his school who was Settled, except for the teachers. Oh and the teachers, did they love to point him out.

“Oh Virgil, you’ve Settled!”

“Isn’t it a bit early?”

“That’s amazing, ahead of everyone else, huh?”

“Guess you just couldn’t wait!”

“Look class Virgil’s Settled!”

“Well, what is she?”

“What is that?”

“She’s a what?”

“Honey, are you sure you’ve Settled?”

“Is that really a good choice? I mean...”

Virgil, for once in his life had the spotlight on him, and god did he hate it. But Adva was pretty good at chasing them off by turning a pitch black with neon orange spots and inflating her small body.

In addition, once Virgil mentioned she was poisonous they all went running away.

Virgil thought this was funny as Adva was certainly not poisonous and the kids had nothing to fear.

But god was it lonely.

But lonely was okay.

Lonely was okay until one boy said something that would change Virgil’s life.

Fifth grade, Virgil was ten and they had just started the most recent talks about daemons. Specifically, they began to watch the first videos about Settling. Virgil yawned as the video droned on and on about not forcing a Settling and about the importance of a bond between human and daemon and how whatever creature your daemon Settled as, it represented a deep part of you.

Slowly and surely, Virgil fell asleep.

“Virgil!” a voice sounded, and the young boy snapped to attention springing up to stare at his teacher.

“I told you you shouldn’t of closed your eyes,” Adva whispered to him.

“Shut up,” he whispered back.

“What was that?” his teacher asked.

“Uh, nothing,” he stammered.

The class laughed.

“This is an important topic Virgil, I need you to pay attention.”

“Well Adva’s already Settled anyways, so why should I?” he remarked with a scowl.

The teacher's eyes raised in surprise.

“She has?” she asked.

“Yup,” Adva spoke up as she climbed out of his pocket.

The class turned to stare at her in awe. Most daemons didn’t really call for attention, choosing to mostly talk to their humans or those close to them. Speaking up in front of a whole class was almost unheard of you.

“She’s a chameleon?” his tone was slightly incredulous. “Virgil are you sure, I mean, chameleons, well they’re quite temperamental and emotional animals you know. And well, reptiles in general- Maybe that’s not the best fit.”

“Didn’t the video just say that we didn’t get to pick our daemons form, but that they changed to represent us,” he challenged.

“Well yes, but a chameleon?” she questioned, “There just a bit…” she trailed off.

A voice sniggered in the back.

“Virgil’s daemons a chameleon,” he announced with an evil grin, “That must make him crazy or something. Crazy Virgil!”

The entire class burst out into laughter.

“Roman! That’s quite enough!” the teacher said.

Virgil just hung his head, knowing it was too late.

And too late it was, for the rest of his years at the school, he was saddled with rumors, taunts, and jeers about his supposed craziness.

Loneliness in itself wasn’t that bad.

But being the most well known but still the most lonely kid in school, well that really did suck.

But all those years of taunts would come later. For now, Virgil was just a ten year old kid who had just been called crazy. And as Virgil went home that day he had had enough.

When he got home he threw his backpack on the bed and whipped round, facing the tiny creature on his desk.

“Why!” he demanded, “Why a chameleon?”

His daemon looked forlornly back at him.

“Do you really want to know?” she asked him.

“Yes,” he barked back.

“Well,” she hesitated, “Virgil, it’s because you are beautiful and majestic. But also so deeply misunderstood. You struggle with your emotions and block yourself off from others. Virgil you have a beauty that shines, but you are too scared to show it. You are truly remarkable. Chameleons have always been a symbol of beauty and elegance. They have always been admired. But there has also always been something secretive about them as well. They are terribly misunderstood creatures, and so are you.”

Virgil scoffed and turned away to start his homework. What a load of bull.

* * *

Middle school was only a slight reprieve.

Virgil and Adva met Samson first. It was Samson who whispered to them before class about daemon stereotyping and how he found Adva absolutely wonderful. The large Kea belonged to the boy in front of Virgil, but the boy himself never turned around to join the conversation. He also never stopped or confronted his daemon for talking to Virgil and Adva to their knowledge. So Samson continued to talk to them.

Samson told them about how chameleons could often be perceived negatively, as such a territorial creature but also how they were gentle and patient and sure of themselves. Samson was the first daemon to touch Adva besides from Virgil’s immediate family.

After just a few weeks of talking, Samson hopped onto Adva’s head with no warning, but the larger daemon did nothing to dislodge him. It only snowballed from there. Samson started to take up a semi-permanent residence on Adva, despite being much larger than the chameleon daemon. He would groom them both during tests and whisper funny comments during boring lectures. He became a constant, and possibly even a friend.

He was the one that finally allowed him to start to believe Adva’s words in fifth grade. He was the one who allowed Virgil to be proud of his daemon for the first time in his short life. He was the one who made Virgil feel not only connected to his own daemon but also feel the rightness of their Settled bond.

But then the worst thing that could even happen in a class happened, a group project was announced.

Samson immediately flitted over to Virgil and Adva, bouncing on top of Adva in excitement.

“We have to be a group,” Samson declared as he hopped.

“Sam, Sammy, that tickles,” Adva complained, shaking the larger bird loose. As Samson was shaken off he unfolded his wings and flew slightly up to his boy, settling in his hair.

“Lo,” the bird whispered.

“Lo, Logan, Logan, hey Lo, Lo,” Samson chirped impatiently as he drove his beak into Logan’s head.

“What?” Logan growled in annoyance as his hand came up to brush the parrot away. Samson just dodged, flying in the air to circle Logan’s head, forming a tiny halo.

“We’re going to partner with Virgil and Adva, okay? Okay. Come on, they’re really nice.”

The boy huffed but finally turned to face the other two.

“Hello,” the dark haired boy greeted. “I’m sorry my daemon keeps bothering you. I keep telling him he shouldn’t and that he should pay attention to class, but he never listens to me.”

“Uh, Lo, that’s because I’m just trying to make friends for you. Virgil and Adva are really nice. And Adva’s skin is really nice and leathery and scaly and I love her so you and Virgil have to be friends now,” the bird declared.

Virgil blushed and looked at the boy.

“Sorry,” Virgil remarked, “We uh, don’t have to be partners if you don’t want to.”

The other boy shot him a look.

“I’m not sure I could change Samson’s mind even if I wanted to.”

“Oh,” Virgil said. He hung his head. Great. So he had pretty much forced a random kid into talking to him. Great going Virgil.

“Virgil, was it?” Logan asked.

He nodded.

“But even if I could change Samson’s mind, I’m not sure I’d want to.”

From that moment on things only snowballed.

Adva and Samson crew inseparable, as did Logan and Virgil.

Logan was the first person Virgil opened up to his anxiety, and the other boy in returned opened up about his own struggles with autism. They learned how to help one another through tough times, bonded over similar nerdy interests, and became trusted confidants. They were inseparable.

When Logan’s parents divorced, he came to Virgil.

When Virgil realized he was gay, he went to Logan.

When Logan realized he in return was also gay, he told Virgil.

When Virgil lost his mother, it was Logan’s shoulder he cried on.

And most remarkable of all, two years into their friendship, Virgil was permitted to hold Samson, stroking his soft feathers in awe.

A month later, Adva hooked her tiny claws around Logan’s fingers, and slowly climbed up his arm to nap in the crook of his elbow.

It was Logan, Samson, Virgil, and Adva against the world.

And that’s why Logan’s newest crush was such a big deal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A brand new story not connected to my main series. Please let me know what you think because I'm really putting a lot of stuff together and just going for it. Remember to be polite!
> 
> My tumblr: https://thechildoflightning.tumblr.com/
> 
> ~childoflightning


	2. Pair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pair (n)- something made up of two corresponding pieces

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Meltdown, Spiraling/Negative Thoughts, Scar Mention, Panic Attack Mention  
> In Depth TW in End Notes
> 
> Find me on tumblr [here](https://thechildoflightning.tumblr.com/).

“I’m sorry you want to _what_ now?” Virgil asked, heart spiking at the newfound news. He gave a look to Adva, who just stared back in equal confusion.

“I want to join the crew for this falls play,” Logan repeated.

Virgil continued to stare as his friend. Logan had never once shown interest in any school activity. Not even a science club or speech and debate, two things he actually some amount of interest in. But now, out of the blue, he wanted to join the drama department of all things.

“Why?” Virgil questioned as he continued to struggle to answer that question himself.

Logan just blushed slightly in response and said nothing.

“Logan has a cru-ush,” Samson said cheerfully as he flew over their heads in excitement. Virgil tracked his wings movements for a moment before taking in the birds words. He whipped his head back to face Logan.

“You have a _what_?”

Logan just blushed a brighter shade of red.

“Yes,” he finally admitted, “and he’s in the school play. So I thought-”

“Join the crew and you get to hang out with him and get to know him better,” Virgil finished the thought, “Makes sense.”

Logan perked up a bit at the comment and gave Virgil a shy grin. A rare look on Logan.

“Yeah,” Logan admitted.

“Okay, I mean sure then, go for it.” Virgil snorted. “I just never thought I’d see the day you would join a school activity, much less a school play.”

Logan let out a small chuckle.

“True,” he admitted before hesitating.

“Out with it,” Virgil encouraged.

“I was hoping you would join with me.”

Spotlight on Virgil.

Torch passed.

Ball in his court.

Whatever you want to call it, it was all on Virgil now.

Predictably, he froze.

“Uh-” he stammered as his mind immediately went to worse case scenario.

Joining a school group. Well that had people. And Virgil wasn’t good around people. He would say something or do something and then people wouldn’t like him and oh god it would be so embarrassing and then what if he said something to Logan's crush and Logan’s crush thought he was weird and then wouldn’t talk to Logan in result. By just being there Virgil could mess this whole entire thing up for Logan. Yep. Nope. He was not doing that.

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” he said carefully.

Logan just stared at his right shoulder.

And of course, an oh so helpful voice came from right where Logan was looking.

“He’s anxious that he’ll mess up your chances with your crush,” Adva told Logan.

“Adva,” Virgil hissed at the betrayal.

His daemon just stuck her tongue out at him and turned an orangish hue in protest. Samson chirped in delight and landed on Virgil’s head, picking gently at his messy locks. A few people in the hallway stared at the abnormal daemon interaction.

After a moment, Virgil lifted his head to look at Logan. The other boy reached out one of his tense hands and Virgil clasped it in his own.

“Virgil, you don’t have to,” Logan told him carefully, “But I would like if you joined me. And you won’t mess things up. I like having you around and spending time with you.”

Virgil scuffed one of his feet against the floor as he ducked his head. Adva nudged his chin in support as he debated his options.

“Yeah, okay,” he accepted, “I’ll join with you.”

Logan’s smile was totally worth it.

-

So apparently Logan had a crush on the student who was running the whole damn thing. Patton Wilkes. As a result, when they first even signed up Virgil would have to talk to Patton. Logan’s crush. Right.

Virgil was taking a deep breath, back against the wall when Logan and Samson appeared.

“Sorry I’m late,” Logan apologized as he came to a stop in front of him. “I was talking to a teacher about a project we were doing and lost track of time,” he explained.

Virgil took a shaky breath.

“It’s fine,” he reassured the other, “You’re really not even late.”

“You okay?” Logan asked as he stared as his anxious friend.

Virgil let out a weak chuckled and threaded his fingers anxiously.

“I’m okay, just-” Virgil trailed off with a wave of his hand.“Let’s just get this over with,” he finished weakly.

Logan shifted his head slightly, but let him get away with the half-answer anyway, pulling the drama door open instead.

Inside where a group of three students, a teacher, and their respective daemons. They all sat at a row of desks, one of the students opting to actually sit on the desk, presenting a unified group.

Virgil thought it felt a kin to walking into the principal’s office.

Or worse, too your own funeral.

He gulped, but with a look from Logan the two entered.

“Hello!” The teacher greeted cheerfully the minute he noticed them. His daemon, a friendly looking capybara, trotted over quickly to greet them. The creature inspected them carefully.

“Hi!” the daemon greeted, “Are you here for the play? That’s really exciting, we’ve been looking for new people. Where are your daemons? Can I meet them?” the creature asked curiously.

Virgil took a step back at the enthusiasm of the large rodent.

“Freud,” the teacher chided, “What have we said about asking about other people's daemons?”

The capybara- Freud apparently- hung his head.

“Not too,” he said sullenly, “But I just wanted to know if there were more pairs joining the rodent club!”

“The rodent club?” Logan questioned.

“Yep,” the capybara agreed as he turned towards the other as he moved closer. He sniffed one of Logan’s pant legs.

“Rodent daemons aren’t really common and we get a bad rep, so we gotta stick together,” a new voice spoke up.

A brightly colored squirrel seemed to be the owner of the new voice. The squirrel daemon was deep brown, almost purple color, with large russet highlights and a cream underbelly. The critter sat on to of a students head, with their long tail trailing down and around his neck.

The daemon then hopped off to also approach them.

“I’m Titania,” she greeted, “And that’s Roman,” she explained, referencing back to her human.

Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit.

_Roman?_

Roman, that was the kid in fifth grade that made his life a living hell because of his daemon. And now he had a rodent daemon. Holy shit.

Virgil’s breath seemed to cut out.

The student in return raised a hand and stood.

“Hi,” he greeted, “So are you here for the school play.”

Okay well he seemed nice enough, maybe he had changed? I mean, people could change, right?

“Yes,” Logan said as he took a step further into the room, “We were both hoping to join crew.”

“Awesome!” The last student said, as he leapt out of his seat and towards them.

“I’m Patton,” he greeted when he reached them, “I’m the student director for the newest play.”

He held out a hand in greeting.

Logan took it firmly before letting go. Only Virgil noticed the slight blush across his cheeks.

Patton then turned to Virgil, extending his arm once more.

Virgil hesitated in response. What if he shook his hand wrong? What if his hands were sweaty? If he messed this up for Logan he would be such a bad friend-

“Hey! Jason Toddler! Glinda might bite, but Patton doesn’t, just shake his hand.”

Virgil flinched. Yup okay, he was still a dick. Do not trust. Avoid at all costs.

“Roman!” a feminine voice chided.

Virgil looked at the table to see a beaver that was presumably Patton’s daemon.

The other boy, Roman, put his hands up in defeat.

With the attention now of Virgil he reached forward to grasp Patton’s hand, shaking it quickly before letting it go, sparing tiny glances over at Roman in continued disbelief and shock. He just couldn’t believe the boy was here of all places. Seriously did God hate him or something? Patton gave a wide smile at the action and Virgil ducked his head. Adva’s smaller head came to rest against his cheek, finally peeking out from under his hoodie.

“Oh, who’s this?” Patton asked.

Virgil carefully tucked Adva back in. There was no way he was exposing his daemon in front of Roman again. He was older now and could probably come up with more creative insults than ‘Crazy Virgil.’

“Uh nothing,” Virgil stammered quickly.

Patton gave him a look but shrugged.

He then moved back to Logan and Samson, as Patton’s curious beaver, Glinda was currently expecting them.

He greeted Samson as well before stepping back.

“Well it’s great that the two of you are going to be helping out, we need all the people we can get,” Patton told them. He smiled widely, “Plays take a lot of work, but don’t worry, the two of us will always be here to help.”

Great. Just Virgil’s luck. He was going to be stuck with Roman. Just kill him now. Oh well, he could just do his best to avoid him. Hopefully.

-

Virgil went over to Logan’s house that afternoon. It was a regular pattern considering that even if his dad was home he wouldn’t care if Virgil was or wasn’t.

Lucky for him, Logan’s mom and stepmom noticed probably more than they should, and as such, had taken to making sure Virgil always felt comfortable at their house.

“Lo! V! You’re home!” a young voice cheered the minute they stepped over the threshold of the house. A blur launched at Virgil and he barely caught the bundle in time.

“Hi Virge! How was school?” a girl asked. Next to her a toucan flew around.

Before she got an answer she was leaping out of his arms and over to her brother.

“Lo!” she repeated, “Lo, can I hug you too?”

The other boy nodded and with his permission, she gave him a leaping hug as well. He caught her and held her tightly for a moment before letting go.

“Hi Suzie,” he greeted once they parted. Off to the side the toucan daemon changed into a type of snake and slithered up Suzie’s leg.

“Lo, Virge, I gotta show you my project. I gotta I gotta I gotta,” she chanted. She grabbed her brother’s hand.

At the contact, Logan swiftly pulled his hand back and towards himself.

“Suzie, please ask,” he reminded her, “and it’s No Touch time now, okay.”

The girl nodded, her frizzy curls waving around wildly at the action.

“But come onnnn, I have to show you this.”

With amused smiles, the two followed her into the other room.

“Are you okay?” Logan asked as they followed the younger girl to the other room, “You seemed… off earlier.”

“Uh, I just,” Virgil stammered.

He took a deep breath and started again.

“Remember how I told you about being made fun of because of my daemon as a kid? And being called crazy?” Virgil asked.

Logan just nodded.

“Yeah well, uh that was Roman who started that.”

Logan’s eyes widened, the only visible sign of shock on his body.

“What?” he breathed out.

“Yeah,” Virgil muttered.

Logan frowned, “We can quit if you would like,” he offered.

“No, no it’s fine,” Virgil reassured.

Logan frowned deeper but didn’t get a chance to respond as Suzie dragged them over to look at her colorful poster about the water cycle.

-

Four days later and for once in his life, Virgil wasn’t leaving school the minute the bell rang. No instead he was sitting in the boys bathroom, softly stroking Adva and attempting to calm his racing heart. He was supposed to be in the theater room in five minutes. But the thought of going there with all those people when he had no experience? And in front of his childhood tormentor? Terrifying.

Just then the door opened with a bang.

Virgil looked up in shock. He usually hid in this bathroom due to its out of the way placement and the fact that they always forgot to restock the toilet paper. Barely anyone used it.

Turns out, the intruder was none other than Logan.

Logan who had his hands shoved over his ears, and similarly slid down to what was probably a quite disgusting floor. He rocked back and forth quickly and made a loud -tch- noise everyone once and awhile. Samson flit around his head worriedly, never quit touching him.

“Lo?” Virgil questioned softly, scooting forward slowly.

Both Samson and Logan looked towards him suddenly.

Logan kept his hands firmly clamped around his ears. Virgil noted his tear-stained cheeks and red puffy eyes. He had recently been crying. Logan didn’t meet his eyes, and instead went back to looking downwards and rocking. Samson on the other hand flew toward Virgil and landed on his shoulder.

“Hey Virgil,” Samson whispered, “You okay?”

Virgil nodded and replied, “Just anxious,” he chuckled uneasily, “Trying to build up the courage to get to the theater. Is Logan okay?”

Samson looked back at his human.

“I don’t know,” he responded, “He’s been, off, all day. I dunno what it was, but something was the final straw and it led to a meltdown.”

As Samson finished his unsatisfactory explanation, Logan began to scream.

Virgil winced out the unexpected noise before calming slightly. He sighed in empathy for Logan before trying to problem solve. Logan usually liked heavy things like his weighted blanket, but they didn't have that with them. And he didn’t like to be touched. But he also wasn’t hurting himself, which was a big pro.

“Hey Lo?” Virgil tried again, “Can I help at all?”

Logan just shook his head wildly as he continued to rock and scream.

And then for a third time the door burst open.

“Hey, is everything okay?”

Virgil looked up at the newcomer, and to his surprise, saw Patton. The two stared at each other for a moment before Patton stepped forward towards Logan.

“Hey, uh, are you okay?” Patton questioned softly as he crouched down.

Logan just shook his head as his screams faded to crying as he curled in on himself.

“Just- give him space,” Virgil said with newfound courage. He may be an anxious mess most of the time, but the one thing he knew he could handle were Logan’s meltdowns. “He’s okay. Just- space. He needs space.”

“Okay,” Patton said as he backed up a few paces.

Off to the side, Logan continued to rock and sob.

“Uh, you can- he probably wouldn’t want- I mean he’s fine so-” Virgil stuttered awkwardly.

“Oh, oh,” Patton said, face brightening in realization. He stood back to his full height and looked around the room as if seeing it for the first time.

“Of course. I can go,” Patton mumbled almost to himself. He brushed a hand through his hair and turned his unnaturally bright smile back to Virgil.

“I’ll go- Can you just- would you mind texting me when he’s okay?” Patton asked. Virgil stared at his wide eyes and shifting posture, recognizing the same symptoms in himself. Patton was worried. Sympathy flooded through him.

“Uh, yeah sure, but I, uh, don’t have your number.”

“That’s okay, I have yours from when you signed up for the musical. Virgil, right? I’ll text you to make sure you have mine.”

“Oh okay.”

“Just please let me know that he’s okay?” Patton requested again.

“Uh yeah, yeah I can do that,” Virgil promised with a swift nod.

Just a moment after and Patton had disappeared.

This disappearance allowed Virgil to focus back on Logan.

“Logan?” he said once again, voice soft.

Logan sniffled a little and one of his hands came to swipe at his eyes but he still didn’t respond.

Virgil just decided to wait it out. Over the years he had learned that if Logan was unresponsive but still slowly cooling down by himself, it was best to let him be. Instead he pulled his phone out to pass the time, quickly noting the newest text from the unknown number that had to be Patton’s.

Turns out he didn’t have to wait long, because after only fifteen minutes or so, Logan was slowly unraveling himself from the tight ball he had curled up in.

“Logan, you back with me?” Virgil asked.

Logan shook his head in affirmation, body still trembling slightly.

“How are you feeling?” Virgil asked.

Logan just shook his head as an answer. He stood slowly, Samson flying back over to him and settling on his head. He slung his backpack over his shoulder and brushed past Virgil without a glance. He opened the bathroom door to exit before pausing. He didn’t turn back to Virgil but did bring a hand up to sign, ‘home,’ before exiting. Virgil himself stood and followed. Guess they weren’t going to rehearsal today, not that he was complaining. He did pull out his phone to respond to Patton though.

Logan didn’t talk to him for the rest of the day, and Virgil eventually went home at around six.  
It wasn’t until past ten when he received the one word text.

“Sorry,” was all it said. From, predictably, Logan.

“You don’t need to be,” was all Virgil responded.

-

The next day seemed to be better for the both of them. Whatever had been bothering Logan yesterday seemed to have figured itself out, and the boy was not only in a much better mood, but Samson also seemed much more intune with his human.

Virgil himself was also having a better day. His panic had somewhat soothed after the conversation with Patton in the bathroom along with the rambling text the boy had sent him about how excited he was to get to know him. Virgil could see what Logan saw in him.

“So, we are going to play practice today,” Virgil confirmed as he swung into Logan’s line of sight and leaned against the locker. Adva scrambled up his hoodie and onto his hair, knocking his bangs into his eyes. He blew them out of the way and Adva caught the strands, gently brushing them back.

“Of course,” Logan replied.

“Cool, and I think Patton will be happy to see you, he was worried about you,” Virgil mentioned as Logan slid his books into his locker.

Logan frowned, “Why?”

“Oh, do you not remember? When you had your meltdown yesterday, Patton walked in the other day and asked me to text him when you were okay. He seemed worried about you.”

“He what?” Logan whispered, “He _saw_ me?”

Virgil quickly realized his mistake and scrambled to fix it.

“Hey, Lo, it’s okay, I promise, he was just worried okay, he was totally chill.”

Logan’s eyes moved to his face, staring somewhere at his forehead.

“Really, I promise he didn’t freak out or anything,” Virgil soothed, “It’s okay. And if he did, then honestly, he’s not a good guy. You’re autistic Logan, you have meltdowns. That’s okay. Plus like, you’re the one who taught me not to be ashamed of my own anxiety and panic attacks, same goes for you.”

Logan frowned but nodded. His body was still tenser than usual, but there wasn’t much more Virgil could do to help with that.

“Speaking of, are you alright Virgil?”

Virgil pointed to himself.

“Me?” he asked.

Logan nodded.

“When I had my meltdown yesterday, you were already in the bathroom. That’s the bathroom you go to when you have panic attacks. Are you alright?”

Whoever said people who had autism couldn’t have empathy was full of bull.

“Yeah, I’m okay,” he confirmed, “I was sort of freaking out about the whole thing, but Patton sent a nice text and,” Virgil shrugged, “I dunno, I’m feeling better about it.”

Logan smiled softly.

“I’m glad,” he said, “But please let me know if it’s too much?”

“I will,” Virgil promised him.

And together they walked to play practice.

-

The moment Virgil entered the room he regretted his decision. It was packed with people milling around talking to one another. But he gulped and stepped in further, trying not to panic. Logan gave him a sideways glance, and moved to walk slightly in front of him, shielding him from the hoard of people. They both hopefully looked around for Patton, but for very different reasons. Unfortunately, neither had any luck. On the other hand, Virgil did spot Roman. And he was walking their way. Great.

“Where were you two yesterday?” he scowled at them.

They both stumbled for a way to answer.

Roman scoffed and Titania gave them a glare from her position on his pant leg.

“Just don’t skip again,” he told them before stalking off.

“We didn’t skip…” Virgil muttered weakly after him, but he was already far away, “...great.”

“Well, you were right about him being a dick,” Logan commented.

“You can say that again.”

Just then, Patton finally appeared, Glinda waddling at his side. She ignored the two of them, instead curiously inspecting Samson who had flown down to greet her.

“Hey,” Patton greeted them, “I’m glad you _show_ ed up. Logan, are you doing better?”

“Uh, um, yes,” Logan said, stumbling over his words.

Logan wasn’t always confident, but Virgil had never seen him anxious enough to stumble over his own words. Huh, guess this crush was a big deal.

“And Virgil,” Patton grinned and turned to him, “how are you?”

“Good,” Virgil muttered.

“Awesome, if you guys are ready to get to work, I can show you over to the head of the crew and you can figure out where you want to help out, how does that sound?”

“Yeah, okay,” Virgil agreed as Logan nodded next to him.

“Awesome! Let me find him,” Patton turned and shouted, “Ethan!” loudly into the depths of the theater.

A tall teen approached them, bronze skin glowing slightly in the stage lights, an anteater at his side.

“What do you want Pat,” he grumbled as he approached them.

“This is Logan and Virgil,” Patton said, seemingly undeterred at his gruffness, “They weren’t able to make yesterday, but they’ll be helping you out with crew. Get them _set_ tled. Have fun! I gotta run!” Patton said before scrambling back towards where someone was calling his name, Glinda following him with surprising speed.

Virgil and Logan turned to face Ethan.

Virgil himself took in his appearance. He had a good amount of scarring covering one side of face and a large scowl. He was slightly overweight and his hands looked rough.

“Well, come on then,” he told them.

“Don’t mind him,” the anteater spoke up, “Ethan’s kind of a dick, but he’s also a decent dude.”

“Shut up Oto,” he grumbled without turning back to his daemon. The daemon, Oto apparently, just stuck out his long tongue at his human. Virgil snickered at the sight.

“So,” Ethan said as he eventually turned around once they were out of the way from the main theater crew, “What do you wanna do?”

Logan and Virgil just stared.

The boy rubbed a scarred hand over his face.

“Right,” he said, “Well, there’s set design, lighting, costumes and props, and some other stuff. Any idea of what you want to do?”

They both just shrugged.

“Okay,” Ethan said nonchalantly returned, “Then if it’s good with the two of you, I’ll just have you bounce around. Do you either of you have small daemons.”

“Uh, yeah,” Virgil spoke up as Adva herself crawled out of his pocket.

“Right, you,” Ethan pointed at Adva, “Stay out of the way. It would suck if something fell on you and this idiot here either became Soulless or died of shock from a Severing, okay?”

“I’m not an idiot!” Virgil protested.

“And I know how to not get in the way, thank you very much,” Adva replied.

Ethan gave them a small smile in return.

“Well okay then, now you can go join Remy.” He pointed at a teen wearing sunglasses indoors.

“They’ll show you what to do.” And with that Ethan disappeared.

Virgil scowled at where he previously stood, but Logan just marched forward to join the ‘Remy’ kid.

“Hey,” Remy said as they approached, sparing a quick glance before continuing to work on  
cutting a piece of wood. A hyena lay at their feet, her tongue lolling out of her mouth.

“Are you Remy?” Logan asked. “Ethan told us to see you.”

The teen stopped what they were doing and turned to face them. The hyena sat up as well.

“Yup, that’s me, and this is Narcissa, she’s a bitch.”

“You’re a bitch,” the hyena bit back as she shook out her coat.

“I’m Samson!” Logan’s Kea greeted as he moved from Logan’s shoulder to head, “and this is Logan, Virgil, and Adva.”

Adva peeked out from Virgil’s jacket pocket and started to climb up it.

“Woah, what type of bird is that? He’s so pretty,” Remy said in awe.

“I’m a Kea,” Samson said proudly as he held his head up high.

“A pest is what he is,” Logan grumbled.

Samson just pecked at his head in response. Logan in return just pushed him off, causing Samson to fly high above them all.

“Gurl, that's so extra,” Remy commented as he pulled his sunglasses off to look up towards the lighting equipment that Samson had hidden in, “I like it.” He then turned back to them. “Well, follow me, I’ll show you what you can do.”

-

Virgil had to admit, this whole play thing wasn’t that bad. It was a lot more work than he had thought it to be, but at the same time the work was almost calming. Virgil had been lucky enough to escape from planning and instead got to work on building and painting the set. He hadn’t worked much with his hands, but he did know how to draw, giving him at least some experience in the area. And, when he didn't know how to do something, Ethan was always close by to help him.

“You have a crush,” Adva whispered in his ear as Ethan walked away after showing him how to drill holes for the billionth time.

“I do not,” he hissed back at her.

“Virgil, I’m literally a manifestation of your soul, I think I know how your feelings work.”

“Oh shut up,” he told the chameleon fondly.

It still took all his restraint to not glance back at Ethan’s retreating figure.

So yeah, this whole play thing wasn’t that bad.

In fact, it would probably even have been fun if not for Roman.

Granted, Virgil hadn’t interacted much with the other, but the times they had had certainly been enough.

On Virgil’s second day, the first time he had ever used a drill in his life, Roman had berated him for doing it wrong. He acted all high and mighty and Virgil hated it. And of course, here came the beast now.

“You were late today,” Roman commented as he leaned against the wall next to them. Titania crawled up his back to peer over his shoulder.

“I had to talk to a teacher,” Virgil mumbled, hoping to get off easy.

“About?” Roman probed.

No such luck.

The truth was, Virgil had gone to talk to his teacher about potentially making up a test after he had a horrible panic attack on the original date. But Roman didn’t need to know that.

“None of your business,” he offered instead.

Roman scoffed and his daemon gave him a piercing stare. Adva seemed to shrink slightly into him at the squirrel’s beady eyes.

“Sure,” Roman said, “You totally had to talk to a teacher about something. Right. Look, just because you’re only doing this because your friend is, doesn’t mean you get to slack off, okay?” the boy demanded.

“I wasn’t slacking off,” Virgil protested, “I really _was_ talking to my teacher. And I’m not just doing this because Logan is.”

But his defense was useless as Roman had already stacked away, Titania turned around to give them a piercing glare.

Fuck.

Virgil groaned in frustration.

Well, if Roman wasn’t going to listen to him there wasn’t much he could do about it.

And so, with a loud sighed, Virgil just continued to work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In Depth TW: Meltdown (Logan has a meltdown), Spiraling/Negative Thoughts (Virgil tends to think of the worst case scenario in any situation), Scar Mention (Ethan (Deceit) has scars on his face and hands, Panic Attack Mention (Virgil almost has a panic attack and also mentions he has panic attacks).
> 
> -
> 
> Thanks so much for reading! I hope you all enjoyed the first real part of the story. Please let me know what you think, and remember to always be polite!
> 
> You can also find me on tumblr [here](https://thechildoflightning.tumblr.com/). And for anyone who is reading my other series "keep on stumbling forward (baby im waiting for you)" I recently put up a post featuring the numerous service dogs from the series. So if you're at all interested, you can learn more about Trixie and the others [here](https://thechildoflightning.tumblr.com/post/185944009102/the-service-dogs-from).
> 
> ~childoflightning


	3. Sever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sever (v)- put an end to (a connection or relationship); break off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Trigger Warnings: Ableism, Panic Attacks, Dissociation, Intense Verbal Arguments, Borderline Abusive Parent.**  
>  In Depth TW in End Notes.

It had been three weeks into the set of the play and Virgil had sorely mistaken how big of a project this was. Logically he knew that their school put on three productions per year and that school, counting breaks, was about nine months. And if there were three productions each would be allotted about three months. Plus, if breaks were taken into account, even though they were still expected to work during most of them, Virgil logically knew that meant three weeks meant that they would be about a third of the way through. But knowing this logically and having to construct an entire set, props, costumes, and more in that amount of time was a bit different.

The good news- Virgil had found his small niche in the crew. Apparently every good production was in need for someone to do make up. The bad news, the cast only wore makeup during tech week and performances and the prep to actually get all of the make up together and plan what it was all going to look like, well they were only given an extra week for that. So pretty much, until two weeks before opening night, Virgil was stuck with stage design. Again, he didn’t not like it. Just well, he was maybe just a little tiny bit looking forward to doing makeup for the stupid thing.

“Hey Lo, V,” Patton called, breaking Virgil out of his musings.

Virgil looked over at Logan, wondering if he knew what the exuberant boy wanted, but the other didn’t glance over.

“Any chance you know what he wants Adva?” he questioned his daemon.

The chameleon just frowned and shook her head. She then climbed down off his shoulder to sit in her favored spot; his pocket.

Oh well, guess he would just find out.

All three, plus daemons, converged together, slightly off center in the large room.

“Hey,” Patton greeted them both when they arrived.

“Uh, are we in trouble?” Virgil asked, already fearing the worst.

“Oh, no, of course not,” Patton replied in a hurried manner. “I just wanted to ask if the two of you wanted to do something together after school today. I just, well the two of you seemed really nice and I haven’t really gotten to talk to you much after… and well it’s been three weeks and I feel like I barely know you.”

Neither said anything but Logan gave the slightest tilt of his head towards Virgil. Something Virgil had come to know as ‘it’s up to you’.

Virgil just gave a slight shrug back in return. Something Logan knew to mean ‘I don’t care either way’.

“Sure,” Logan replied verbally, “neither of us are busy so why not?”

Patton’s face broke out into a wide grin as he cheered enthusiastically, “Great!”

Logan startled a bit at the loud noise, gripping his hands utter so subtly at his sides, but Patton didn’t seem to notice. Samson leaned over his human's head to give him a concerned look.

“Just meet me outside after rehearsal’s over? I’m usually a few extra minutes because I have to make sure everyone is all done. Oh, and Roman usually comes with me after school, that’s not a big deal, right?”

Great. Virgil was destined to be stuck with the douche. He almost said no, but well, Logan liked Patton. He didn't want to get in the way of that. Virgil knew Logan wouldn’t mind if he canceled, but still. Plus really, how big of a deal would it really be?

“It’s fine,” Virgil answered, almost regretting immediately.

At the response, the corner of Logan’s mouth curled into a smile and he flapped his hands once more. One of Logan’s happy stims. At the action Virgil couldn’t really find himself to regret his decision that much.

* * *

Okay nope he was back to regretting it.

“They’re _what?”_ Roman demanded as Titania puffed her fur up from her place up on his shoulder.

“They’re coming home with us,” Patton explained, “I invited them.”

“Patton, Virgil skips practice like all the time,” Roman protested as he threw his hands up in an action of frustration.

“I do not-” Virgil attempted, before being quickly cut off by Patton.

“Whether he does or doesn’t isn’t the point. I want to get to know him and Logan better.”

“It’s fine- We- I don’t have to come,” Virgil hastened to add. His face had blushed a bright red and his foot scuffed anxiously at the floor. Adva had completely retreated into his jacket. “You don’t- I really don’t have to.”

Patton didn’t look away from his stare-off with Roman, but Glinda gave Virgil a piercing look.

“I want you to come over,” the other boy insisted, Glinda nodding firmly in agreement.

Virgil shrugged and looked down, embarrassment welling up inside him. His shoulders hunched forward, and his jacket rose around his ears, engulfing him.

“They’re coming with us,” Patton insisted to Roman, “You don’t have to like it, but they are.”

Titania let out a hiss- a noise Virgil didn’t even know squirrel’s could make- but neither said anything more.

“Right,” Patton said, becoming immediately cheerful again, “Let’s go.”

He turned and gave Virgil and Logan a blazing smile, Logan himself blushing at the motion. Virgil inwardly snickered at his friend before trailing behind the rest of the group.

* * *

After they had all gathered into Patton’s car, he turned around to face them.

“Right, so what do you want to do?” he asked them.

Logan frowned next to Virgil and looked down, while Virgil just stuttered out an, “Uhhh.”

Roman sighed and leaned against the window.

The car went silent as no one said anything.

“Look, I don’t really care what we do, but can we please just get going?” Glinda piped up from where she was in the back of the car, “I hate being stuck back here.”

“Sorry,” both Logan and Virgil said immediately at the inconvenienced daemon. Samson turned towards her and also gave a hum of sympathy.

“Oh, don’t worry about it you two, I don’t blame you. If only somebody would let me sit on his lap! Roman!” she snarked.

“You’re heavy,” Roman protested, turning around to face Glinda, even though he couldn’t possibly see her from his position. “People think beavers are oh so cute, but you guys are giant. You’re pretty much a less fun dog.”

“I’ll show you a ‘less fun dog’,” she bit back, before mumbling other unkind things under her breath.

Patton stifled a laugh from in front of them, the argument a seemingly familiar one.

“Sorry,” he apologized, “Uh, okay, why don’t we go to the mall? They have an awesome koi pond and the fish there are so so cute.”

There was a murmur of agreement throughout the car, not that Virgil was going to protest to anything anyway- so off they went.

The koi pond was pretty cool. Virgil had been here before, but had never come to just look at the koi since he was a child. He had always been fascinated by the large fish with their shimmering tails. He and his mom used to feed them cheerios until the fish kept getting sick from everyone over feeding them and touching them, causing them to be much stricter about what ended up in the shallow pond. Even without the option of feeding them, Virgil still greatly enjoyed going. It was a special activity with just him in his mom. Virgil hadn’t been back since she died.

He walked around, crouching ever so often to look at an interesting fish.

Patton showed similar interest, though he hopped around from spot to spot more and more often, as if he didn’t have enough time to see them all. At one point he gasped excitedly and pointed at one rather large koi. Glinda also rushed over to look, but at the sight the koi returned slightly into the shade.

Logan mentioned something about moving slowly to not startle the fish, hands shoved into his pocket. At the comment Patton looked at him in rapt interest. Logan was quick to look away, but continued talking, seemingly explaining something or another about the koi. Samson sat on his head, chest puffed out, either in pride or a visible sign of Logan’s attraction towards the other boy.

Virgil gave the two of them a smile and continued on. Roman followed him a bit awkwardly, Titania skittering behind him, after realizing Patton and Logan were invested in there own conversation.

Virgil found it slightly amusing that without Patton, Roman chose to pad after Virgil himself like a lost shadow.

The two walked in silence, the atmosphere uncomfortable and heavy between them. Not that it was in anyway Virgil’s fault, it was Roman who had been rude earlier.

With this thought in mind it was surprisingly Roman who broke the silence. Or maybe it wasn’t that surprising considering Roman didn’t seem to be quite capable of closing his mouth, even if things were awkward. In the car ride over, he had belted out the lyrics to ever song on the radio, never even stopping, or so it seemed, to take a breath.

“Uh, Logan seems to know a lot about koi,” Roman commented. Virgil raised an eyebrow. That’s what he went with as a conversation starter?

“Yeah,” Virgil agreed, “Uh, well I really liked them whenever we came here. And so Logan learned a lot about them because he knew I liked them,” Virgil explained.

“Uh, what?” Roman said, seemingly lost. Titania also stopped her scrambling as well in similar interest.

Virgil shrugged, “That’s what Logan does,” he continued, “He- Logan- He cares about me. This is how he shows he cares. By learning about the things I like so he can relate to me.”

“He’s, well he’s autistic, right?” Roman asked.

“Yes,” Virgil responded, immediately stiffening. Wherever this was going, it would not be good. It pretty much never was when someone brought up the fact that Logan was autistic. Adva also stiffened inside his jacket, her small body curling up and her claws digging ever so slightly into his skin.

“My sister does that. I didn’t,” Roman shrugged, “I didn’t know that was an autistic thing. She, well my parents won’t take her to get diagnosed and my brother always teases her about it.”

Virgil turned looked up at the other boy in surprise. When did Roman feel comfortable about sharing things about his family with him? Roman blushed and looked away. The two continued to walk around the pond.

“It’s not necessarily an autistic thing,” Virgil mentioned, keeping is tone even, “But yeah, it can be.”

“Right,” Roman muttered. He seemed almost reclusive for a moment and Virgil scrunched his eyes in confusion. Oh my god was Roman- Roman the confident theater nerd who had bullied Virgil mercilessly when he was younger- was he, flustered?

Virgil opened his mouth to say something, anything though he wasn’t sure what, when Roman cut him off.

“Why do you like them so much?”

“What?” Virgil asked.

“The koi,” Roman clarified, gesturing towards the swimming creatures.

Virgil inspected their glimmering patterns and large patterns.

“I didn’t at first,” he admitted, “But my mom did. And so she used to bring me all the time to see the koi and feed them cheerios until they banned it.”

Roman gave him a side-ways look that could have meant a multitude of things.

“What?” Virgil said defensively.

“Nothing,” Roman said with a laugh, “Just didn’t think you’d be a _mama’s boy_ ,” he teased. There was a sparkle in his eyes Virgil hadn’t seen before.

“You appreciate those moments more once you can’t have them,” Virgil said stiffly as he turned to face Roman. His shoulders came forward defensively.

Roman’s face fell as the statement registered. Virgil, realizing that the statement had registered, began to regret the comment completely. God, how much of an idiot was he? Telling his old bully his mom had died? What an idiot. And knowing Roman he would just turn it around and make it into a joke like he did everything.

“I’m sorry,” Roman responded, “I uh- didn’t mean it like that. It’s cute. It was nice of your mom to take you here.”

Virgil’s shoulders loosened and his body slackened. What?

“Uh, yeah,” he agreed, still slightly wary, “It was. I really enjoyed it.”

Roman kneeled down to inspect the fish closer, letting out a soft hum. Slightly flabbergasted, Virgil crouched to join him.

“When I was a kid I named all of them y’know,” Roman commented as he looked over at Virgil. “Titania used to help me, though she was never very creative.”

“Hey!” the squirrel protested, “I was tiny, and those things could have devoured me!”

Roman ignored her objection and continued on with the story.

“Whenever we came, she would also change into these large daemons, like big cats or huge herd animals, even though as children we both knew a large form didn’t fit us. She would do it just to avoid the koi.

“One time she was a dragonfly and one of the kois went to swallow her and she turned into a wildebeest. Not a very smart choice considering she just plummeted into the pond.” Roman snickered at the memory, “We were both drenched and then asked ever so politely to ‘please leave now’,” Roman recounted.

Virgil laughed as well at the story.

“Something sort of similar to Adva and me,” Virgil mentioned.

Roman’s eyebrow’s knit together.

“Adva?” he asked.

“My daemon,” Virgil answered without thinking, “She never liked the koi either. She was never fond of large forms either, so she would generally just find fist sized forms, frogs, a hedgehog, a snake, a tiny owl on one remarkable occasion. And once she had chosen her form she would just bury in my pockets and refuse to leave until we were home and away from the fish.”

Roman laughed loudly at the comment, and Titania had crawled up his back and onto his head to peer at Virgil with rapt interest at the story.

“Yeah, Adva has always been stubborn like that.”

Roman tilted his head at the comment, and looked off into the distance, presumably pondering something.

“That’s- I feel like I’ve heard that name before. By the way, I’ve never seen your daemon, what’s up with that?”

Virgil’s mind froze. Shit. Roman remembered him. Even if he didn’t realize he remembered him. Shit. Not good.

“Oh, uh, she just,” Virgil mumbled. His brain scrambled to find a way to figure out what to say. Maybe he should just tell Roman? Now that they were talking a bit more he didn’t even seem all that bad.

Roman’s eyes widened and he scrambled back from Virgil slightly

“H-have you- Are you _Severed_?” the boy asked. His eyes wore blown wide and his mouth was open in shock. At the words, Titania also scrambled away, quickly climbing and wrapping herself around Roman tightly, as if unable to bear being further apart.

“What?!” Virgil demanded, backing up as well. Adva shivered in his pocket, “No!” he responded, completely horrified.

“Oh,” Roman responded, face slackening at the response.

“How, how could you even think that?” Virgil pressed.

“Well, I- I’ve never seen her, and you just seem-” he attempted to defend as he waved his arms desperately around.

“You think I’m- I might not be super loud or exuberant like you but that doesn’t mean our bond is Severed! Is that really what you think of me!? People who are Severed, they- they have no _soul_ Roman. You really think- God!”

 “I-”

But Virgil wasn’t listening anymore. And seriously, just when he was thinking Roman might not be that bad he proved Virgil wrong again. He turned away with a loud huff and marched over to where Logan and Patton were.

“Logan,” Virgil said.

The boy hummed a response but didn’t look up from where he was studying the koi.

“Logan, we’re leaving.”

“I don’t want to yet,” Logan just replied, still not turning towards him.

God, Virgil really did not want to explain this, but knew Logan deserved some sort of explanation. It wasn’t fair for Virgil just demand they leave with no explanation.

“Logan, I need to leave,” he said instead.

While Logan still didn’t face him, he did immediately stand, and quickly followed Virgil as he marched away.

Patton tried to follow them, but Virgil could hear Roman call him back. Virgil just kept marching, even as his vision began to tunnel and his eyes began to blur.

* * *

 

_His mother’s voice came to him._

“Tom, Tom, you’ve seen him! He and Adva, there just so disconnected!”

“Rachel,” his dad’s soothing voice spoke up, “Adva and Virgil are fine. They’re just-”

“Shy?” This time his mother’s daemon, “Or scared? Anxious maybe?”

His mom’s voice picked right up from were her daemon left off, “You keep saying that Tom! But Virgil doesn’t talk to anyone! He doesn’t play with other kids and Adva Settled so early. There must be something wrong!”

“And what? What do you think is wrong with our nine-year-old son? He is nine! He is young and he is growing and changing. Adva is too. And there’s _nothing_ wrong with being shy or a bit more withdrawn.”

“But he’s not just withdrawn!” his mother protested, “He’s more than withdrawn! It’s almost like he’s-”

She didn’t finish her thought.

“Almost like _what_ Rachel,” his father said, voice dangerously low.

“Almost like he’s Severed!” his mom shouted back.

And Virgil couldn’t help the slight gasp that came out. He quickly clapped his hands over his mouth and stared worriedly down at Adva who was balancing on his knee. Her overly large eyes stayed back. Slight footsteps came from below, but Virgil couldn’t move.

Suddenly, a wallaby rounded the corner. Cozbi stared up at the two of them before hopping up to where Virgil was. Virgil could faintly hear his parents continue to argue in the background. Cozbi brushed against him and he looked back at her.

“Don’t tell Dad I was listening,” he pleaded.

She just looked at him and sighed.

_“C’mon, it's past your bedtime,” she told him, and continued to lead him up the stairs and to his room._

* * *

 

The next thing he knew, he was sitting on a curb on the outside of the other side of the mall. Logan was seated next to him, Samson flying over both of their heads.

“You with me?” Logan asked as Virgil started to blink and look around.

“Yeah,” Virgil croaked out, wiping his eyes with his jacket sleeve. At Virgil’s confirmation, Samson flew down and settled on his shoulder, nudging into his chin in comfort. Adva also climbed out of his pocket and curled up in the crook of his arm, staring up at him with wide eyes.

“My mom is picking us up,” Logan told him, “She should be here in about ten minutes.”

“Thanks,” Virgil muttered.

“Want to talk about it?” Logan offered.

And God did Virgil want to. But then he remembered Logan and Patton talking by the koi pond. How Patton smiled at him. Logan blushing and ducking his head.

Virgil knew if he told Logan what had happened, that would all be gone. Logan would be mad at Roman. Hell, Virgil was furious with Roman. But Roman and Patton were best friends. And Virgil knew Logan would support him. And Patton would support Roman.

It wouldn’t be fair to Logan.

“It’s really okay,” Virgil said, “I just got really anxious all of a sudden, it’s not a big deal. I’m sorry I messed up the time you were spending with Patton.”

Logan took the bait.

“It’s fine Virgil, I don’t mind, your health is more important than a conversation with Patton.”

Virgil squeezed his eyes shut and breathed deeply.

“Are you sure that’s all?” Logan asked.

Okay maybe the bait hadn’t been taken so easily after all.

‘NO!’ Virgil wanted to shout, ‘NO! Roman just assumed that I was Severed! He thought I was bad, evil, disgusting, _soulless'_   he wanted to scream. But what he said instead was...

“It’s all good.”

Logan nodded and offered him a hand. A clear sign of comfort for Virgil. Logan was generally not a big fan of physically touch. On the other hand, it was Virgil’s weakness.

He took the hand gratefully, knowing Logan would tell him if he got overwhelmed at the stimulation.

God. Logan was just so good. Virgil had to make this work for Patton and him.

* * *

 

And so he did. Two days later and Patton was invited them over to his house, once again, with Roman coming with them. And Virgil said okay.

When Patton pulled into his house’s driveway, the first thing that Virgil could think of was that the house was big. Looking back on it, he should have expected the size considering the took a right instead of a left at Fullsworth, heading towards the more affluent section of the town, but still. I mean really, who needed a house that big?

His second thought, which came the moment after he stepped through the threshold, was that the house fit Patton perfectly. The whole house screamed of life and love. There were pictures up along the shelves and walls and different decorations all around. There were three large jars of differing sizes holding candles in them with different colored shells at the bottom. Virgil wasn’t exactly sure of the exact purpose the jars held, but they felt like Patton.

Briefly, Virgil wondered if the house and its inhabitants had influenced Patton own personality, or if Patton’s own personality had influenced his surroundings over time. Maybe a little bit of both.

“Patton, are you home?” a voice called from further inside, seemingly a parental figure.

“Yeah,” Patton called back absolutely glowing. And he wasn’t the only one, Roman seemed to also perk up at the voice. Which was just… odd. What teenager got happy when they heard the call of a parent?

Vigil said nothing, as did Logan, and the two newcomers along with their daemons just followed the other two boys and their daemons into a new room.

The new room was large and separated in two by a carpeted area and stone floor area. One room was seemingly the kitchen. The other a lounge room of sorts. Maybe? And was that- Okay, Patton had a fucking pool table.

Virgil was startled out of his staring- which he hoped wasn’t too obvious- by the new voice speaking again.

“And who are these?” the voice questioned.

“These are my new friends, Logan and Virgil!” Patton explained, too who was presumably his father, though they looked nothing alike. “They joined crew for this play.”

“Ah,” he said with a nod. Virgil took note of the daemon necklace around his neck. Most likely for an insect daemon. “Well, don’t let me keep you waiting. I was going to make some cookies to send to your brother, would you and your friends like some as well?”

“Yes please!” Patton agreed enthusiastically.

“You’re the best Dan,” Roman said with a smile.

“Of course Roman,” he replied, also wearing a large easy grin.

“Is Mom home?” Patton asked quickly, before any of them could take their leave.

“No, your father got off earlier, and so the two of them went to the store together. I stayed behind to make sure you and Roman didn’t break anything again.”

“That was one time Dan!” Roman protested, “And that lamp was ugly anyways.”

So was this not Patton’s father then? If his father and mother were at the store than who was he?

“Okay. We’re gonna go now. Love you Dad!” Patton quickly said, before herding them all out of the kitchen.

“Love you too Patton,” his father replied.

Okay so Patton just had two dads then. And a mom. Or at least that’s what Virgil thought he concluded from the conversation. Not that it really mattered anyway. Who cared if he had three parents.

Patton had herded them over to a staircase, but before going up he turned to look at all of them.

“Come on, we’ll go to my room,” he said, before racing up the stairs, Glinda surprisingly quick on his heels.

That day turned into another and another and another. Ice cream after school, walking through the park, dicking around on the kid’s playground, and on one notable occasion, going to the dog park because Patton just wanted to pet dogs. A little weird, but whatever.

And throughout each outing, Virgil acted like the perfect friend. He talked to Roman so that Logan and Patton could have time to themselves. The conversations they held may not be very interesting, or even really be considered ‘conversations’ as it mostly just consisted of them walking sullenly together and making minimal discussion. The good news was that they at least both seemed to ignore their first conversation altogether. Virgil didn’t bring it up, and Roman didn’t apologize. Which was fine by him. Virgil wasn’t looking to make friends, he was just trying to stick it out for Logan.

Which worked quite well actually. Until it didn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **In Depth Trigger Warnings: Ableism** (Assumptions about autistic people, refusal to diagnose an autistic person, bullying of an autistic family member), **Panic Attacks** (Virgil has a panic attack trigger by assumptions Roman makes about him), **Dissociation** (Virgil briefly dissociates during his panic attack), **Intense Verbal Arguments** (Virgil's parents get into an intense argument about Virgil), **Borderline Abusive Parent** (Virgil's mother assumes and suggests that her son has no soul)
> 
> -
> 
> Thanks for reading the latest chapter. I hope you all enjoyed, and please let me know what you thought. Thank you so much. Remember to always be polite.
> 
> Also one quick thing:
> 
> I am leaving town for two weeks next week and will have no access to electronics, meaning no updates as well as me being unable to work on writing.
> 
> If you would like to see more of me, my tumblr is [here](https://thechildoflightning.tumblr.com/). I also recently posted an extra piece for my series "keep on stumbling forward (baby im waiting for you)" that can be found [here](https://thechildoflightning.tumblr.com/post/186288025722/whats-in-a-name) if you are interested.
> 
> Thanks so much!  
> ~childoflightning


	4. Bond

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bond (n)- a force or feeling that unites people; a shared emotion or interest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is slightly late, still scrambling to get back into a pattern after being away for two weeks.  
> -  
>  **TW: Anxiety Attacks, Alcoholism, Borderline Abusive Parent**  
>  In-Depth TW in End Notes

Logan had been glancing over a Virgil all day. Virgil wasn’t exactly sure why, but had just decided to ignore it for now. Which was proving to be slightly difficult.

“Do you need help?” a familiar voice asked from Virgil’s side.

Virgil whipped around to see Ethan and Otomors. Ethan was striding forward, pushing his hair out of his mismatched eyes. Virgil blushed as he watched the action just slightly too long before realizing he had been asked a question.

“Uh, what?” Virgil asked, from where he was crouched over a piece of the set.

Ethan gestured at the set and Virgil realized that paint had been dripping off the brush he was holding and onto the set. Oops. He may have gotten a bit distracted with the whole ‘Logan giving him weird glances all day’ thing.

“Oh, uh, no, I just,” Virgil stuttered lamely.

Ethan snorted but crouched down to grab the other brush and started to paint the set piece. Virgil blushed and continued his own work, the two working together in companionable silence.

“What’s bugging you?” Ethan asked after a moment.

“Uh, what do you mean?” Virgil asked.

“I mean the fact that you keep sending odd looks your friend’s way,” Ethan replied. Otomors sniffed around at his feet.

“I wasn’t- He was the one giving me weird looks, and I don’t know why, so now I can’t stop giving him looks,” Virgil spoke up, realizing how absolutely ridiculous he was.

“Or you could just talk to him?” Ethan offered, raising and eyebrow, “Instead of eye-fucking each other.”

“Oh my god, Ethan. We were NOT eye-fucking each other. We are friends. That would just be weird.” Virgil spared a glance at Ethan. “Plus, I like someone else,” Virgil muttered half under his breath.

“Well,” Ethan said with a shrug, “you should probably still just talk about whatever this is. Even if you don’t want to, do it for me? I don’t need you to keep fucking up sets because you and you’re friend can’t communicate.”

“It’s not fucked up,” Virgil protested. Seriously, you couldn’t even notice where the paint had dropped onto the set, especially considering that was the part he was supposed to be painting.

“Mmmm,” Ethan just said as he stood up and took a step back, “No, you can definitely notice.”

Ethan gave him a wink and Virgil ducked his head as he blushed profusely.

“Can not,” Virgil hissed back to hide his quickly reddening face.

The two boys, while bickering, both broke out in light smiles.

“You’re not that bad Virgil.”

“Thanks. I think.”

And then Ethan let him be. Virgil already missed his presence. What Virgil did not miss on the other hand was Adva’s little kissy noises coming from inside his jacket.

“Shut up,” he mumbled into, “Seriously, you’re a chameleon how can you even make that noise.”

“With practice,” she snarked back.

Virgil sighed and just continued painting, thinking about Ethan’s words. Honestly, he probably should just talk to Logan. But later. Right now he needed to get the set painted, he had already been distracted enough.

They were chilling in Logan’s room after school when Virgil asked him.

“What’s up?” he asked, “You’ve been giving me weird looks all day.”

Logan shifted a bit from where he was laying down on his bed next to Virgil. Samson flew down to Logan’s chest from where he was previously perched on the lazily spinning ceiling fan. At the action, Adva crawled off of Virgil and over to Logan. She scaled his body quickly and tredded over to Samson. When she reached him she curled into his side. Samson let her and lifted a wing from the opposite side. He began to carefully clean it, ruffling the feathers with his beak.

“I was talking to Patton earlier,” Logan eventually admitted.

“Okay?” Virgil said. Logan had kind of lost him at this point. Virgil was happy Logan was talking to his crush, but it gave exactly zero explanation of why Logan had been giving Virgil side-glances every two seconds

“And he said that it was really great that you and Roman were getting along better,” Logan continued.

“Right,” Virgil confirmed, still wondering where in the hell this could be going.

“Especially after what happened at the koi pond.”

Virgil froze. _Shit._

Samson sprung up from where he had been cuddling Adva. Adva scuttled backward at the action and fell of Logan entirely.

“But you told me that you had a panic attack but nothing else happened.”

Shit. _Shit._

His chameleon daemon darted back to his side, curling into the crook of his elbow.

“So I’m trying to figure out why you would lie to me. Because something obviously happened at the koi pond,” Logan continued.

Samson flew back up to the ceiling fan.

Virgil spared a glance at his friend only to see Logan’s eyes shining over, very obviously holding tears.

“I just- Lo- I didn’t want to fuck things up with you and Patton. So I said nothing happened. Look I can handle myself with Roman, I'm not gonna let our disagreements get in the way.”

“But it wasn’t just a disagreement,” Logan pointed out, “It was obviously upsetting enough that you had a panic attack. So what was it?”

Virgil didn’t see away out of this, so he decided to tell the truth.

“Roman thought I was Severed,” he admitted.

Virgil began to gently rub Adva’s body, the usually soothing action doing nothing to set him at ease.

_“What?”_ Logan demanded sitting up on the bed.

Virgil just shrugged. And tried to push down the wave of uncomfortable emotions Roman’s assumption brought up.

“We were talking, Adva came up, he mentioned he hadn’t seen her, I froze because this is Roman we’re talking about, my fucking childhood bully- which sounds so pathetic but whatever. Basically from that he assumed I was Severed.”

After he was finished the explanation, Virgil also sat up and turned to face Logan. And while he was now facing his friend, he kept his head down and allowed his eyes to study his fingers.

“Virgil, Severing is-”

Virgil looked up, taking note of Samson still spinning on the fan.

“I know what Severing is Logan.”

“But-”

“I know.”

And Virgil did. There was nothing worse than being Severed. The people who did it on purpose either went insane or were already insane. And those who it happened to on accident? Well most of them didn’t make it past the Severing. And those were the lucky ones. To live a life without a daemon, well that was anyone’s worst nightmare. To live without a daemon was to be soulless.

Virgil knew this from a younger age than most. His mom made sure of it.

With that, Logan turned away from him with an angry huff. He walked around his room and began to grip his hair tightly. After a moment he started to grip his hands together tightly, pulling painfully at his fingers. Virgil thought he looked like he was on the verge of punching something.

“Logan?” he tried.

“How could you-” Logan grunted and stamped a foot against the ground, “I’m really angry with you Virgil.”

“Me!” Virgil hissed out as he threw his hands out, “Why the hell are you mad at _me!_ What about Roman!”

After all, Roman was the one who assumed Virgil was Severed. He was the one who assumed Virgil had no soul.

“Oh, I’m very pissed at Roman,” Logan said darkly, “But you’re my friend. And you were hurting. And you didn’t say a fucking thing to me about it. Do you not trust me? Do you not think I can handle it?”

“No,” Virgil protested weakly, because that hadn’t been what he was thinking at all, “I just-”

He just didn’t want Logan to have to handle it. It was just so much easier to not tell him and ignore and pretend it never happened.

(Roman thought he was soulless. Roman thought he was soulless. Roman thought he was soulless.)

“I don’t get it,” Logan bit back, his voice steadily raising, “I- Roman just says something like that to you. And you don’t tell me and then you lie to me. And, and then you continue to do nothing and we’re always hanging out with him and-”

“Well maybe I didn’t want to tell you,” Virgil shouted back.

And maybe if Virgil had been paying more attention he would have noticed how Logan’s hands slammed against his ears and his face twisted.

“Maybe I’m sick of you always sacrificing things for me and I wanted to do the same for once!”

Because wasn’t that the truth? Virgil was always the one panicking and fucking everything up. And Logan was always by his side. And now Logan had a crush and a chance at being with Patton. And Virgil couldn’t fuck that up for him. Not after everything Logan had done for him.

“This wasn’t a fucking sacrifice Virgil! This is letting someone say that you’re soulless and do nothing about it! You know how fucked up that is.”

“Whatever,” Virgil bit back, “It doesn’t change anything. It was still worth it.”

“It was worth it?” Logan asked meekly, “You mean, you would still lie about it?”

Virgil just gave him a look.

“Get out,” Logan said.

“What?” Virgil asked.

“Get out!” Logan repeated, “Get out! Get out! Get out!”

Virgil just stared at his best friend who was crying and screaming. Virgil just nodded harshly and left, his own tears falling down his face.

* * *

Virgil got home early that night, largely due to the fight he had with Logan. Usually he would chill at Logan’s into the early evening, but that was very obviously not an option right now. So, not having much else to do, and not really fancying loitering in a park for a few hours, Virgil went home.

He slid his key into the lock and shoved the apartment door open.

“I’m home,” Virgil announced.

“Virgil!” a voice exclaimed.

Virgil looked over to find his dad on the couch, beer in hand. A beer that his dad tried to hide out of sight when noticing that his son was home. His heart dropped.

“I thought you said you were going to stop drinking Dad,” Virgil remarked, trying his hardest to remain nonchalant.

His dad flushed at the comment, and Virgil felt at least a little vindicated at his father’s obvious guilt. His father’s wallaby daemon, Cozbi lifted her head to look at him before lying back down, already slightly drunk. But daemons, as an extension of your soul, got more affected by alcohol, which meant that his father was at least considerably more sober. But it also meant that Virgil couldn’t rely on Cozbi to knock him into shape.

“I am,” his father protested, “I- It’s just one beer Virgil.”

“Right,” Virgil muttered. Just one beer. Avda curled tighter in his pocket. Virgil stroked her gently to soothe both of them.

Because that was how it always started. One beer would turn to two would turn to four would turn to his dad passed out on the couch. Passing out on the couch would start to become a regular occurrence and then his Dad would lose his job. And losing his job meant less food in the cupboards which meant Virgil spending more time at Logan’s for dinner while his dad scrambled to get his life back together before they missed too much rent. He’d get another job, get steady, and things would be okay for a while. And then it would happen again.

“I promise Virgil.”

“Right.”

Because that was the other thing. His dad would always promise.

Virgil huffed and moved to leave before his father’s voice stopped him.

“Why are you home so early?” his father asked, “You’re usually with Logan.”

Virgil’s heart tightened. He tried to play it off and shrugged, hoping his dad wasn’t sober enough to realize his internal dilemma. His fists tightened in his pocket and Adva squeaked when he on accidentally gripped her a bit too hard. He relaxed his hands instantly, feeling instantly apologetic. Adva curled back around his fingers, already forgiving him.

“V?” his father asked, “What’s going on?”

And god did Virgil want to tell him. His father showing concern about him wasn’t necessarily uncommon, but well, it also wasn’t common. He made his decision and steeled himself or whatever consequences that might come.

“Logan and I got in a fight,” he admitted.

“You don’t get into fights,” his father pointed out.

“I know,” Virgil admitted.

The two of them looked at each other, at some sort of standstill. Virgil’s father frowned, before gently nudging Cozbi off the couch and patting it for Virgil to sit. The boy hung his head and moved to join him on the couch.

“What’d you fight about?” his dad prompted.

“I lied to him and he found out,” Virgil admitted, “But, like, I lied for a good reason. And I wouldn’t change it. So he’s mad about me lying, but even more mad about the fact that I would do it again.”

“Hmm,” his father said.

He didn’t offer anything more and eventually turned the TV on. The two of them stayed like that for a while, just watching TV. His dad continued to smell faintly of beer, but not in a bad way. He didn’t even get up to ge another one. And Virgil would take that for now.

It must have been at least an hour before Virgil spoke up again.

“I miss Mom,” he admitted.

His father shifted slightly and let out a low hum.

“I do as well,” he admitted.

“She- she was a good person, right?” Virgil asked.

His father turned to look at him in surprise.

“Of course she was Virgil, why, why would you even ask that?”

Virgil hesitated.

“She- uh- Did she really think I was Severed?”

His father stilled and grasped the air for an invisible beer bottle.

“You knew about that, huh?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Virgil admitted.

His father’s daemon shuffled closer to both of them. At the action Adva stuck her head out of her pocket, having buried there when Virgil first left Logan’s house. Adva slid out and careful walked across Virgil’s leg to reach Cozbi’s head. Cozbi gently nudged the much smaller chameleon.

“Rachel-” his father sighed, “Rachel she thought- She was worried about you. Both of us were. Because you were a really quiet child. You still are. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Just- Virgil your mom wondered sometimes if- I don’t know sweetheart. I don’t know what she thought.”

A tear slipped down Virgil’s face.His father turned at it glistened in the light.

“Oh honey,” he muttered, “Come here.”

Virgil curled up tightly against his father and began to cry. His father wrapped his arms around him pulling him tight. Cozbi and Adva both joined them, pressing their bodies into the deep hug. Virgil just sobbed louder.

“Virgil honey, I promise you, I promise you that your mother loved you. Okay? I don’t know what she thought, but she loved you so much. Got it?” his father whispered into his ear.

And Virgil couldn’t stop crying. All he could do was nod weakly into his father’s chest. And it was in this exact position that humans and daemons stayed for hours until they finally went to their separate bedrooms for the night.

* * *

Virgil woke up in his childhood bedroom, which was how he knew it was a dream.

Light green walls, a bedcover with a pattern of a forest. Soft brown furniture. A picture of happiness.

Virgil found himself sitting on the bed and staring at the wall.

The green wall had been covered by a huge painting of a tree. And if you looked closely, you would notice that the brown bark and the green leaves and the wide branches had all been painted by hand prints. Hundreds of them overlapping to form the strong oak. Two sets of large hands, and Virgil’s tiny ones all mixed in.

He and his parents had spent three days painting that tree. After his mom died, Virgil had covered it up. It was the only thing from his old bedroom Virgil missed.

The door opened, startling him a bit.

“Hey Virgil,” came his mother’s soft voice as she peered her head in, “Honey, why are you still up?”

Virgil stared at her. Her thick, frizzy hair was held back with a large clip and she wore simple blue pajamas.

It’s a dream, Virgil reminded himself.

“Mom?” he spoke at the same time.

“Yes honey?” she asked softly, turning her head a bit to look at him.

He said nothing in response.

She entered his room anyways, taking a seat next to him on the bed. Kalonymos followed, his powerful muscles rippling.

Her soft hand came up to caress his face. And Kal rested his head on Virgil’s lap in comfort. Virgil smiled at the lion daemon.

“What’s troubling you Virgil?” she asked.

Something within him compelled him to tell the truth.

“I was talking to someone and he asked about Adva and then he assumed I was Severed and it just reminded me, because you- and your not here you're dead why am I telling you any of this?” Virgil blurted out.

His mother just gave him a look and smoothed down his hair.

“Someone thought you were Severed?” she asked softly.

“Yeah,” he mumbled.

“Hmm,” she said. And then, “Where’s Adva?”

“What?” Virgil asked, “She’s right-” and then, for the first time in his life, Virgil realized he couldn’t feel Adva’s presence. Where there had always been a thrumming connection, there was now nothing.

Virgil looked around frantically. He checked his pockets before leaping up to search the room.

“I knew it,” his mother whispered.

“No,” Virgil said desperately, “No, I promise she’s right here somewhere. She is! I know it.”

But his mother only continued to look at him, horror growing.

“I knew it,” she repeated, “I knew it, I knew it, I KNEW IT.”

“No,” Virgil screamed as tears flooded down his face, “I’m not- I’m-”

His mom just continued to scream at him. The room faded to black until just Virgil was left. And even though Virgil was now alone, his mother’s cries grew louder and louder.

“I knew it!” she screamed.

He woke up in a cold sweat and immediately scrambled to find Adva.

Adva who was sitting on his bedside table staring at him with wide eyes.

“Virgil,” she whispered.

And there, Virgil could feel her through their bond. He picked up in shaky hands and held her close as he continued to cry, falling back asleep that way.

* * *

The next morning, Logan hadn’t texted Virgil and Virgil hadn’t texted Logan.

When Virgil arrived at school, there was a similar with a lack of contact. The next day was the same. And the next. And the next.

The silence carried on for a week.

During the week of silence, both Virgil's guilt and anger began to grow.

Guilt because honestly, wasn’t it a little bit fair that Logan was mad at him? He had lied to him after all. Virgil and Logan had been friends for a long time. They didn’t lie to one another. It wasn’t fair for Virgil to just expect Logan to be completely okay with Virgil lying and then admitting that he would do it again.

Anger because Logan hadn’t considered or listened to Virgil’s side at all. The conflict between Roman and Virgil was very much an argument between just the two of them. Logan didn’t have any right to be involved. It was Virgil’s situation to figure out, so on some level it was only fair that he would be the one to decide whether Logan was involved in it.

After a week of silence and debating the two emotions, Virgil’s festering guilt that had grown too strong for him to ignore. So, when he entered school on the eighth day of silence, Virgil made a bee-line for Logan’s locker.

Luckily for him, his wait at the locker wasn’t long. Logan had appeared in the hallway. He approached the locker and started to open it, completely ignoring Virgil. Because he had to be ignoring him, right? There was no way Logan hadn’t seen him standing there.

“Uh, hey Lo,” Virgil greeted before immediately wincing at how awkward his own voice sounded.

Logan on the other hand, said nothing. He didn’t even acknowledge Virgil. He just grabbed the things he needed from his locker, and then slammed the door closed with a loud bang. And then he walked off. And that was it. The end of a week of silence to just lead to more silence.

Virgil was left stranded in the hall. Alone. He gulped and gripped his backpack tighter before stumbling off to his own classroom, thoughts filling his head.

Holy shit, had he left it too long? Was Logan not going to talk to him at all anymore? And what did that mean? Did Logan not want to be friends anymore? He had been friends with Logan with years, that couldn’t just be thrown away in one argument. Right? _Right?_

Maybe Logan really was done being his friend. Virgil had lied to him. And Virgil really was always holding Logan back. He had made Logan leave the koi pond that day and he and Patton were having a really great time. And how often had Virgil done that before? In that way, to some extent, didn’t Logan have a _right_ to hate Virgil? He only got in the way of Logan’s own life.

Obviously unaware of Virgil's inner dilemma, the teacher up front just continued to drone on and on about balancing chemical equations or whatever. And it was at his precise moment that Virgil’s breath hitched. At the hitch, he looked at the clock and began to tap his foot against the ground. The bell would ring in fifty minutes. That’s all Virgil had to get through. Fifty minutes left and then the period would be over. He tapped his foot more insistently as it suddenly became harder and harder to breathe. Hey, focus Virgil, you just have to last another hour and you’ll be fine. _You’re fine._

“Hey, can you please stop that?” the girl in front of him hissed as she turned around to face him.

“What?” Virgil asked, voice shakier than he would have liked.

“Uh, the tapping,” her ferret daemon responded for her.

“Oh,” Virgil said, instantly blushing. God, she had noticed that?

He stopped tapping his foot.

But without the tapping, it just got harder and harder to breathe. Virgil shut his eyes and tried to remember the coping skills he had on hand for when things got this bad. But he couldn’t concentrate and started to wheeze. He admitted defeat. He would not be lasting another hour.

Ever so carefully, Virgil started to place all of his things back in his bag. A hard thing to do when the classroom was dead silent and Virgil’s hands were shaking out of his control. He got more than a few odd looks, but eventually he had slipped everything away.

Okay, now for the even more awkward part. Virgil stood, wincing as his desk creaked a bit. He held his already non-existent breathe, but was only spared a few glances for his trouble. And just like that, Virgil left the classroom.

Once he was outside he almost immediately fell apart. His breathing grew more and more laborious, and it was only his larger fear of being caught having an anxiety attack in the school hallway that kept it going. So he trudged forward to the boy’s bathroom, the abandoned one of course. He swung the door open and settled down, trying to breathe.

Then suddenly, in a form of deja vu, the door swung open.

Virgil stood quickly. His breathing was fast, gulping, and rough, but no way was he going to have an anxiety attack in front of someone else.

(Maybe it was Logan. Maybe things would be okay.)

“Virgil?” the voice asked, sounding surprised but not shocked. (But weren’t those the same thing? Virgil wasn't really sure he couldn’t really think right now as is. He couldn’t even get enough air.)

“Roman?” Virgil just panted back.

“Uh, are you okay?”

Virgil wanted to yell at him. Like, seriously, who finds a teenage boy struggling to breathe in a bathroom and asks him if things are okay? Things were obviously not okay. Really Roman?

“Uh, yeah, all good,” Virgil huffed out between almost passing out from oxygen deprivation.

They both stared at each other, knowing that that was complete and utter bullshit. Virgil was scrambling to come up with something when Roman beat him to it.

“Is that your daemon?”

And Virgil looked to where he was pointing, because oh god there was Adva. And Roman had seen her. And he was probably this close to figuring out who he was. And oh god, Roman was probably connecting the dots in his head right now.

“There was a kid at my elementary school with a chameleon daemon. Hey! They actually looked the same. And, and you said her name was Adva. And your’s is Virgil. Oh- Crazy Virgil! You were that kid!”

And that comment was the final tipping point on top of tipping point after tipping point.

Virgil collapsed to the ground through sobs and harsh breathing and remembered no more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **In-Depth TW: Anxiety Attacks** (Virgil has an anxiety attack at the end of the chapter), **Alcoholism** (Virgil's father struggles with reoccurring drinking issues), **Borderline Abusive Parent** (Virgil's mom suggests Virgil is soulless)
> 
> And here we go, the fourth chapter. I hope all of you enjoy and I would love to hear what you thought. Have a great day and please be polite.
> 
> Also, I have a tumblr [here](https://thechildoflightning.tumblr.com/). You can check it out for extra content, updates, or too ask me questions about any of my stories. Feel no pressure to check it out though, it's completely up to you.
> 
> ~childoflightning


	5. Repair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Repair (v)- fix or mend (a thing suffering from damage or a fault).
> 
> Roman attempts to apologize, Virgil struggles to process, Logan comes to a realization, and Patton has no fucking clue that any of this is going on and is just excited for the school play.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **TW: Panic Attack, Ableism (mentioned), Toxic Relationship**  
>  In Depth TW in End Notes

_Can’t breathe can’t breathe can’t breathe can’t breathe._

_Oh my god he was dying wasn’t he? This is what dying felt like, right?_

_It had to._

_He was dying and he couldn’t breathe and he couldn’t do anything._

No. It was an anxiety attack. You can’t breathe because you're panicking and you just need to take a deep breath even though it hurts. Center your thoughts and calm down.

_Oh god he was dying. This was it. A few miserable years on this fucked up planet and now he was dying._

He wasn’t dying he just needed to fucking breathe. Come on, Virgil, ground yourself, where are you?

_Hell. Where else would he go but Hell? And Virgil didn’t even know if he believed in Hell, but this couldn't be anything but that._

No. He wasn’t dying, so he couldn’t be in Hell. He was panicking. Which meant that he was in the boys bathroom. The bathroom that Roman was also currently in.

“Fuck,” a voice said, and surprisingly, it was not Virgil’s, but Roman’s, “I fucked up.”

And shit. Now Virgil remembered. He was in the boys bathroom with Roman and now Roman knew and oh god.

His breathing started to speed up again, going from slowly starting to calm down to full blown ‘I can't breathe’ once more.

_He really was going to die, wasn’t he? Maybe he wasn’t panicking. Maybe he was having a heart attack._

No Virgil. Anxiety attacks can seem like heart attacks and dying but they really aren't. You’re okay. You’re going to be fine.

_Virgil was going to die._

And through all of this, Roman just muttered explicits in the corner.

And then, warmth.

A glow, just in the middle of Virgil’s chest. Sort of like the feeling of basking in the sunlight, except this was coming from within. And it was nice. So, very nice.

And Virgil gasped, releasing the pent up panic inside him and started to breathe.

“Shit, shit, shit,” Virgil heard Roman curse. His voice seemed distant and far away even though Virgil knew they were in the same room, “I’m sorry, I told her not to.”

Virgil didn’t hear much else because suddenly the warmth was fading. The tiny spot of light that had been glowing throughout his body and help calm him just a bit more was suddenly gone. And Virgil felt cold and empty once more.

His breathing sped up.

God this was too much. Why couldn’t this fucking end?

He couldn’t move and he couldn’t breathe and he couldn’t do a damn thing and he knew he was panicking but he couldn’t do a damn thing to stop it.

And then the warmth again.

Slower than last time, but just as nice.

Starting from the pit of his belly and slowly spiraling outwards. It hit his throat and he could breathe again. It hit his fingers and toes and he could move. It continued to spread outwards, basking his body in tranquility, allowing him the time he needed to center himself.

And the best part, it didn’t go away this time.

Virgil breathed in. One. Two. Three. Four.

Hold. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven.

Exhale. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight.

And he was okay. He was going to be okay.

The warmth stayed and he continued to work on his breathing, counting numbers in his head.

When he felt like he could breathe without challenge and his thoughts weren’t going to immediately spiral, he opened his eyes and started to look around the room. His gaze first landed on Roman.

Roman who now knew who he was. But he also had stayed. Virgil was trying to figure out if that was a good or bad thing.

He continued to trace the tiles of the bathroom and eventually his eyes feel to Adva. Poor thing. She didn’t get affected by his panic attacks like he did, but he knew they scared her.

And then he noticed what was with her. And really, he should have noticed before. He could blame his addled brain for that. Because next to- no not next to- touching Adva, curled up against her, was Roman’s daemon.

“Ti-?” he attempted before he was cut off by his own wheezing as he continued to struggle to get his breathing under control.

“Oh! Oh, right, sorry she wouldn’t move,” Roman said as he scrambled forward a little, “I promise, I didn’t like, ask her to touch Adva or anything. And I didn’t touch her either. I’m really sorry, Titania has super loose boundaries around other daemons.”

As Roman talked, Titania detached from Adva and raced over to Roman, settling along his side. At the movement, the warmth that had been glowing inside of Virgil faded away. Oh. So that’s what it had been.

Now that Titania had detached, Adva herself scrambled over to Virgil. She quickly buried herself in his jacket pocket and he patted her on the head a few times.

“Its, uh, it’s okay,” Virgil said as he finally gathered his breathe, “It was kind of nice actually?” he admitted.

“Oh, uh, good,” Roman offered.

And then they were sitting in silence on the bathroom floor, staring at one another. Virgil was stuck with probably the last person on earth he would want to be with. And he had just seen him have a panic attack. Great.

Virgil started running through ideas of how to brush the incident off. Or at least get it so Roman wouldn’t talk about it. God, it would be awful if Roman spread this across the school. He could see the headline now: Miserable Teen Breaks Down in Front of Childhood Bully.

“Do- Do you want to go somewhere else?” Roman asked, cutting into his thoughts.

Virgil shot him a look. Roman wanted to what?

“I- just the boy’s bathroom isn’t like the most comfortable place to be, y'know,” Roman continued quickly, “And I thought… I dunno.”

Roman turned his gaze to the ground and he let one of his hands slide into Titania’s fur, ending up playing with her long tail.

And well, Virgil didn’t really think that this could get much worse. And it’s not like he wanted to get back to class. If school was even still in session that is.

Fuck it, he thought.

“Where?”

“What?” Roman said, eyes shooting up to meet Virgil’s.

Virgil cleared his throat.

“Uh, where did you want to go?”

Roman’s face just brightened.

“Follow me.”

* * *

“I- I don’t think we're supposed to be in here,” Virgil whispered.

Roman ignored him and continued to fiddle with the locked door. The locked door that led to the school theater. He shook the handle a few times before pushing up and then shoving in. The door creaked open. They both winced at the noise

“If they didn’t want is in, then they should have fixed the lock,” Roman argued with a cheeky grin before ducking inside.

“Ro- Roman,” Virgil hissed.

Virgil then looked quickly around at the school halls and saw absolutely no one. With a sigh he ducked in as well.

Virgil followed Roman further into the dark. He would have probably been more scared, but after working inside it, building props most days after school, the building had almost began to feel comfortable.

Eventually, Roman ducked backstage, Virgil right behind him.

Suddenly, lights were flickering on. Virgil jumped a bit, staring at where Roman was at the switches. Roman didn’t seem to notice and continued on a bit further before finding a seat on the floor next to some in-progress set pieces.

Virgil didn’t follow and just raised an eyebrow at him.

Roman stared back.

Virgil sighed and walked forward, settling down onto the floor next to him.

“So?” Virgil asked, “Why’d you bring me here? I’m really hoping you’re not like, planning on murdering me or something.”

Roman didn’t reply, not even to laugh a bit at the stupid joked. Or well, Virgil hoped Roman realized the murder thing was a joke. He was very much not wanting to be murdered.

“I just come here to think a lot,” he admitted, “And I dunno, seemed like you could use some space. Thought I’d help a friend out.”

“We’re friends?” Virgil blurted out, before immediately regretting it.

Titania’s fur bushed out and she let out a small hiss, before scrambling all across Roman’s body.

Roman just frowned.

“Uh, I thought we were?” he admitted.

Virgil just laughed.

“I’m sorry. You- the guy who literally called me Soulless like two weeks ago- thought we were _friends_? Not to mention the fact that you were terrible to me as a child?”

“What?” Roman just asked.

This had to be a joke. Seriously, who did Roman think he was just being an asshole to Virgil and then calling them friends. Yeah you wish. And why would Roman want to be friends with him anyway? Virgil was a freak. An absolute disaster. And Logan might not have seen it until just now, but Roman had him pegged since he was a kid.

But Roman kept staring. And then stared some more.

See, Virgil knew jokes. He was at the expense of a lot of them. And jokes were all about timing. Hit the punchline too early, it wasn’t funny, hit it too late, same thing. And now the seconds were dragging on and it wasn’t funny anymore.

Roman also knew jokes. So, if he hadn’t hit the punchline yet, he wasn't going to. Which meant that this wasn’t a joke.

Did Roman actually think they were friends?

“Roman, you've been an absolute asshole, why would you think we were friends?” Virgil asked him.

“I apologized,” he said meekly.

And had he? Had he really?

“Uh, not really,” Virgil told him.

“Oh, well then I’m sorry I guess.”

And again, Virgil wanted to laugh. But Roman wasn’t joking.

“You- you can’t just say ‘sorry,’” Virgil said, voice bordering exasperation, “You’ve have to mean it.”

“I do,” Roman said.

“Then you gotta show that in your apology,” Virgil continued.

Roman didn’t reply, but instead quirked his head slightly. His fingers drummed against his pant leg and Titania settled around his neck.

Virgil scoffed and looked away. Why did he keep doing this? He kept giving Roman chances over and over again, but he kept showing that he hadn’t changed. That he wasn’t going to change. Virgil just needed to cut him off and move on.

He was about to get up and do exactly that when Roman spoke back up.

“Okay,” Roman said, “Okay, I think I’m ready.”

“For?”

“To apologize.”

Virgil just raised an eyebrow and gestured for him to continue, not even trying to hide his suspicion. After all, the sooner Roman fake apologized, the sooner Virgil could leave.

But technically, couldn’t Virgil leave at any time? Roman had asked him if he wanted to go somewhere else, and Virgil had said yes. Why had he said yes? Why did he keep giving Roman chances? What did Virgil possible see that allowed him to do so?

“Okay. Okay. Okay so. I’m sorry.” Roman continued to drum his fingers, picking up the speed. “Virgil I’m sorry. That day at the pond? When I assumed you were Soulless? That was way out of line. I made an assumption off of poor facts and also previous assumptions I had made about you. Assumptions you didn’t deserve. And you didn’t do anything either. That was all totally on me. I was a complete jerk, and I never should have assumed those things about you. It was unkind and unfair. In the future I’m going to work on that. I’m going to challenge the assumptions I make, because really, they only hurt people. So Virgil, I truly am sorry.”

Virgil just blinked at him and stared a few times.

“Was, was that good?” Roman asked. His fingers, which had previously been drumming, had started picking at his pants in an almost anxious pattern.

Virgil could just stare, a bit gobsmacked at Roman. Because yeah, the apology was good, and not only that but Roman had sounded genuinely sincere about it too.

It was a lot to process.

“Uh, Virgil?”

Virgil looked up at him and took a second to clear his throat.

“Uh, yeah, that was good,” he admitted.

“So we’re friends now?”

And Virgil his eyes tightly and pulled up his knees to his chest.

Roman had seemed genuine. Truly, truly genuine. But this was also the kid that had mocked him for years. The kid who had called him names. The kid that singled him out and left him in isolation.

If it wasn’t for Roman, the other kids at school might have still talked to him.

If it wasn’t for Roman, maybe he wouldn’t have been as anxious, as shy.

If it wasn’t for Roman, he might have not been as alone.

If it wasn’t for Roman, and all the things he had caused, maybe his mother would have never assumed Virgil was Soulless. Maybe Virgil would have never been seen as broken or damaged. Maybe his mother would have loved him that much more.

He started to cry, tears slipping down his face even as he stayed quiet.

Roman, who hadn’t been looking at him, and therefore hadn’t seen Virgil crying, continued on talking.

“Oh!” Roman said, perking up a bit, “And I forgot! I wanted to apologize for how I treated you as a kid. I shouldn’t have called you names. And I know this isn't an excuse, but you did Settle early. And there's a lot of daemon prejudice around reptiles. And as a kid I didn’t realize it. I mean I didn’t even start to notice all of that until Titania settled and then everyone was looking at me differently because she was a rodent. But even though I didn’t know, I shouldn’t have been mean about it. And I’m sorry for that. I put you through hell as a kid and that wasn’t okay. And well, there’s not much I can do about it now, but I can admit that I was horrible to you and work to rectify that.”

Virgil could only blink.

And then everything came crashing down. He cried harder, this time not so quietly.

At the noise, Roman’s head turned towards his and he scooted forward a bit, his eyes wide and uncertain. He reached a hand towards Virgil before pulling it back.

“Virgil?” he asked softly.

At his name Virgil just cried harder. And harder and harder and harder until he was almost choking on his breath.

“Hey Virgil, I’m really sorry if it was something I said,” Roman said, “But I really need you to try taking deep breaths and calm down. I don’t want you to not be able to breathe like earlier.”

Virgil just clenched his knees tighter and tried to block out Roman’s voice.

Because here Roman was, apologizing for the things did. He apologized for terrorizing him as a child and calling him names and he meant it. He meant his apology. And for some reason, that was so much harder for Virgil.

Roman meant his apology, but the truth was that didn’t change anything.

And really, looking back on it Virgil didn’t care about the kids calling him names or leaving him out of games. Virgil didn’t want to talk to them anyways. He had moved past that. No the issue was, the real issue was...

Virgil’s mom would always seem him as broken.

And that hurt.

Worst of all, maybe her seeing Virgil that as broken wasn’t even Roman’s fault.

Because Roman was a kid too. Even though Roman was mean, Virgil had always been shy and a bit of an outcast. It wasn’t fair to blame Roman for his mom looking at him with fear and disgust in his eyes.

But if he couldn’t blame Roman for that, and he couldn’t blame himself, (Because Dad told Virgil that it wasn’t his fault Mom said those things. He had promised) then the only person Virgil could possibly blame for his mom’s actions was well, his mom.

But Virgil’s mom had loved him, hadn’t she?

With that thought, Virgil continued to cry and gasp for breath because for the first time in his life Virgil accepted the fact that he didn’t know if his own mother had loved him or not.

“Hey Virgil, Virgil, it’s going to be okay,” Roman promised distantly, “I’m going to let Titania touch Adva again, okay? That seemed to help last time, so.”

And a few seconds, or maybe it was minutes, or maybe it was years, Virgil didn’t know time anymore. But after what felt like a few seconds later, a warmth started glowing through Virgil’s body again. Virgil tried to grasp onto the warmth like a lifeline, using it to tug himself up and out of the pit of disappear he created.

With a gasp, he could think again, and the room rematerialized around him.

“Hey, good to have you back,” Roman greeted with a hesitant smile.

Virgil did his best to return the grin. He also carefully started to push everything he had just realized about his mom to the back of his mind. Later, he promised, he would deal with it later.

The warmth then pulled away and Virgil would never admit it, but he let out a small whine. A little bit after and tiny nails were scrambling back up onto him. He looked up to see Titania returning to her own human as Adva curled up in his pocket.

“Well?” Roman said eventually, “Don’t leave me hanging.”

“What?” Virgil asked weakly.

“Well, do you accept my apologies or not?

And god, it was good. The apology was damn good. But an apology was only one turning moment of billions of hurtful conversations. And even if Virgil had been blaming Roman for more than he probably deserved, he had still hurt him. And the things that Roman had been responsible for couldn’t be ignored.

“It was good,” Virgil admitted, “And it seemed like you meant it.”

Roman frowned, “But?”

“But,” Virgil sighed, “You can say things and you can apologize, but it doesn’t mean anything unless you prove that you’ve changed.”

Roman turned to look straight in his eyes, holding the contact for almost too long and lifted his head a bit.

“Okay,” he said, “Then I’ll prove it to you.”

And maybe Virgil thought, just maybe this could work. Maybe they could be friends.

* * *

Logan was sitting on the bench just outside the schools furthest building. And he wasn’t quite sure why. Or well, he knew why. On days he wasn’t helping with the play he’d sit at this bench and then Virgil would meet him and they would go home or do something.

It was routine. Sit on the bench, wait for Virgil, leave. And Logan logically knew that Virgil would not be coming to the bench. Because Logan and Virgil weren’t talking. But he always sat at this bench, and then left. It felt wrong not to. It felt more wrong not talking to Virgil.

But Virgil had lied. He had then admitted that he would do it again, which was even more wrong than Logan’s uncomfortableness of a change in his routine.

Because that’s all this was, a change in routine, he reminded himself, slowly hyping himself up to leave the stupid bench because he didn’t need to be sitting there because Virgil wasn’t _coming_ and-

“Hey Logan,” Patton said cheerfully as he took a seat next to him.

The voice startled him a little, and even though Logan didn’t jump, Samson leapt off of his shoulder and took to the sky.

“Whatcha doing?” Patton continued. Glinda settled lazily at his feet, head turned to watch Samson dance in the air.

And the answer came out before Logan could even think about it.

“Waiting for Virgil,” he replied. Even though he wasn’t actually waiting for Virgil because Virgil wasn’t coming. He gripped his hands tightly and twisted his fingers repeatedly. Samson dropped back down and landed on his arm before climbing up to his shoulder and gently nipping at his ear.

“Oh. Y’know, I haven’t seen Verge around lately, except briefly at play practice. What’s he been up to?”

Logan froze. Because how could he possibly explain to Patton what was going on? That Virgil had lied to him and you can’t lie to your friends. And now they weren’t talking and yet Logan was still here sitting on this stupid fucking bench waiting for Virgil. Even though he wasn’t waiting for Virgil. He was just used to waiting for Virgil. And if he didn’t wait for Virgil- Virgil who was not coming- everything just felt wrong and it all felt wrong.

“Lo?” Patton asked.

And even in his anxious state, the nickname made him smile and blush a little. Samson nipped his ear again.

“He’s busy,” Logan said. And then he told himself he wasn’t lying. Because he wasn’t right? Virgil was busy; busy ignoring him. Sure, Virgil had tried talking to him but Logan just couldn’t. Because Virgil had lied.

“Oh,” Patton said, “Well I miss him.”

And Logan barely avoided blurting out the, ”god me too” that was on the tip of his tongue. He reminded himself that he shouldn’t miss Virgil because Virgil had lied.

Patton opened his mouth to say something again, but Logan could not risk him asking anymore about Virgil, so he jumped in.

“What are you doing?”

“Waiting for Roman, usually he’s quicker than me but,” Patton trailed off with a shrug and looked around at the retreating kids, as if Roman’s name would be enough to summon him. Honestly, now that Logan thought about it he wouldn’t be surprised if Roman would just magically appear whenever his name was called. Logan looked around too. Samson once again took to the air, presumably looking for Roman as well. Roman did not appear.

“Oh well,” Patton just continued, “Guess I’ll just wait with you.”

Patton grinned brightly at Logan, causing him to go through another round of blushing. Did he have to be this cute? Logan literally couldn’t have gotten a crush on any of the other students here?

“Okay,” Logan stuttered. And Samson didn’t actually laugh at him, but he could practically hear the bird’s teasing.

The four of them sat in silence for a little bit. Glinda at one moment moved her side with a groan, but besides that, no one said or did anything.

“Hey, you want to help me with something?” Patton offered.

Logan frowned, could he have been any more vague?

“Maybe,” he replied, “It depends on what it is, and if it’s legal.”

Patton let out a soft laugh that made something in Logan’s chest tighten, “Oh, don’t worry, it’s just a thing with the play. Definitely legal. There’s this one scene, and the actors are great- it’s just- the scene doesn’t seem right. The tone, the emotions, _something_. I can’t figure it out.”

“And you’re asking me?” Logan questioned. Surprise welled in his chest.

“Well, yeah,” Patton said with a frown, “Who else would I ask?”

“Roman?”

“Roman’s not here.”

“I’m just not great at this sort of thing,” Logan admitted. Samson flew back down and sat on his knee.

Patton frowned.

“Well, I mean you haven’t really done theater before, but it doesn’t have to be perfect. I’m just looking for ideas.”

“No,” Logan said with a shake of his head, “I meant with,” he waved his hand as if it would help express his point, “With tone and emotion and stuff. You should ask someone else.”

“I mean, you don’t have to help,” Patton agreed, “But I think you’re fine with emotions.”

Logan looked in his direction, avoiding eye contact like always, before tilting his head toward the ground.

“Not like most people,” Logan muttered, frown etched on his face.

Patton reached a hand out to him before thinking better of it and pulling it away.

“Do you mean ‘cause your autistic?” Patton asked.

Logan stiffened a bit.

“How did you know that?” he bit sharply. Perhaps a bit more sharply than Patton deserve.

Great. It’s not like Logan was ashamed of being autistic. It was just, well, it never went well when someone new met him and learned that he was. They instantly started treating him like a little kid, with that taunting voice and pity filled eyes. They would push him to act normal and never give him what he needed. And now his _crush_ knew. Great. There went his one shot of maybe having a chance at a relationship.

“I mean, everyone kind of knows,” Patton said quietly, “Uh, kids talk about it a lot. Sorry. I didn’t mean to like- snoop in your life or something.”

Logan nodded and started to wring his hands together again.

“Well,” Patton said, “Do you want to help or not?”

Logan raised his head a bit and his eyes scrunched together.

“I just told you that emotions are different for me.”

“And they might be,” Patton said with a shrug, “But obviously, the way I’m trying to do the scene isn’t working. Might as well get a different perspective. I mean that’s kinda the whole point.”

Logan let a tiny smile slip past his lips.

“Okay.”

* * *

“Wait say that again,” Logan asked Patton, as he looked at the others script and the many notes- and doodles- in the margins.

“Uh, right. So after the first character apologizes, this person is now mad because the first lied.”

“Mad?” Logan asked.

“Well, yeah, I mean they were lied to?”

And Logan thought about it. Being lied to didn’t make a person mad, it made a person hurt. Hurt that came off as anger sometimes. Anger like yelling at your friend and avoiding them for a week. But it wasn’t really anger that Lo- the character- was feeling, it was hurt. Logan- er, the character was hurt.

“The character shouldn’t be angry,” Logan clarified, “Or well, they can act angry, but really, they’re hurt. I mean if someone close to you lies about something, that’s hurtful. Because it breaks your trust. And at first it might come off as anger, but really it just hurts.”

And wasn’t that true?

Because Logan wasn’t really mad at Virgil persay, just hurt. And Virgil had tried to fix things. Virgil had come up to him and tried to apologize, but Logan had brushed him off because he had been mad.

But he wasn’t actually mad or angry. He was hurting, and he was putting up this wall of anger to protect himself so he didn’t get hurt again. But with that wall up it meant that he couldn’t heal. And when Virgil had tried to fix things, Logan had just drilled that wall deeper.

Oh. Logan knew what he needed to do.

“That actually makes a lot of sense,” Patton admitted as he pulled back the script and made a note in it. “Thanks.”

But Logan wasn’t really listening and instead thinking about where Virgil would be right now. He then realized he didn’t know. Virgil usually went home with him, but they weren’t talking so Virgil wouldn’t be going home with him. Virgil didn’t like going home right away, so he probably hadn’t done that either. Which meant that Logan had no clue where his friend was.

Logan would have to wait until later and then just drop by Virgil’s, hoping to catch him. After all, Virgil probably wouldn’t respond to Logan’s texts right now. Logan nodded. It was a solid plan. He would fix this.

“Logan?” Patton asked, “Everything good?”

Logan pulled his attention away from his thoughts and back to the cute boy in front of him.

“Yeah,” he agreed, “All’s good.”

And hopefully, it would be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **In Depth TW: Panic Attack** (Virgil has a panic attack), **Ableism** (mentioned) (Ableism surrounding the dehumanization and exclusion of autistic people is mentioned), **Toxic Relationship** (Virgil recognizes toxic traits in his mother)
> 
> -
> 
> I don't know about this chapter to be honest. I like parts of it but it also just seems a bit off to me. I dunno. But its what I got so far, and debating over the editing of it for weeks wasn't doing anything. I hope you at least enjoy it. Remember to be polite.
> 
> ~childoflightning
> 
> My tumblr is [here](https://thechildoflightning.tumblr.com/). Feel free to check it out, keep updated, or whatever.


	6. Intertwined

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Intertwine (v)- connect or link (two or more things) closely.
> 
> Virgil and Logan work things out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TW: Shutdown, Internalized Ableism, Anxiety, Borderline Abusive Parent (mentioned), Anxiety Attack (past), Meltdown (past), Unintentional Self-Harm**
> 
> This resolution between Virgil and Logan was originally only going to be a half a chapter, but it turned into a whole thing so it ended up gaining it's own chapter. I hope you like it.

Virgil wasn’t expecting loud banging on his door in the early evening. This lack of expectance- combined with the fact that there very much was loud banging on the door- caused him to jump up in surprise and clutch at his heart. It took him a moment to recover, placing his hands on his knees as he caught his wayward breath. 

The banging continued.

With a sigh, he stood up and went to the door.

As he walked over he shoved his hands in his hoodie, and gently stroked Adva with the hand that occupied the same pocket as her body. The soothing motion was familiar and helped him fully calm down.

Now, who could possibly be here?

His father wasn’t due home for another few hours, so it couldn’t be him. Maybe it was Mr. Kallens and his Sun Bear daemon coming over to see if they had flour again. Even though they never did. He had to know that by now, right?

Virgil opened the door with a swing, accepting that he would once again have to turn down his neighbor’s request because no they did not have flour, they never did, he was very sorry, maybe try Ms. Delas down the hall? She likes to bake, does she not?

But it wasn’t Mr. Kallens and his daemon standing in the doorway asking for flour.

It was Logan.

As quick as he could, Virgil slammed the door shut. Logan had made it perfectly clear what he thought of the whole situation and where they stood as friends. Or not friends in this case. 

But he was too late. Samson had already slipped through the now shut door and was hovering near the ceiling.

“Sam, get out,” Virgil warned.

The bird just gave him a look before settling up high on the coat hanger by the door.

“Nope,” he said stubbornly, “You’re not getting rid of me. Don’t even try.”

Virgil groaned and thought about his options.

See, Sammy had first fallen into this exact habit of sneaking into wherever Virgil was before he could close the door years ago. He really started doing it around the time Virgil’s anxiety started to significantly heighten and it became a real issue in his life.

Because Virgil was quick enough to block Logan out of the door and refuse to talk to him. Something he used to do much too often. But he wasn’t fast enough to stop a smaller, faster bird. They all knew it. 

So Sammy would slip in, leaving Logan outside. And you would think this wouldn’t really matter, because Logan was still outside. But, Sammy and Logan obviously couldn’t be separated. Sure, like most pairs they could stretch out some distance, and bird and other flying daemons were known to have more give than others, but simply put, Logan and Sammy were intertwined.

Sam, now having snuck in, and refusing to leave meant that Logan- who had to be in on it- couldn’t leave either. Which meant that Virgil could just wait him out, stranding Logan outside and subjecting himself to what would be Samson painfully pecking him, or he could just Logan in.

He always tried the first. He had never succeeded in actually getting Sammy, and therefore Logan, to leave.

Usually, it was a useful trick. It meant that when Virgil was in his own head and refusing to listen to reason, Logan could get him to at least open up enough to make contact. It had been annoying at first but really had allowed Virgil to finally start talking to his friends about the constant worries that plagued him.

Now it was just plain frustrating. Because Virgil hadn’t gone radio silent, Logan had. And here he was, forcing himself into Virgil’s space.

“You’re a dick,” he called loudly, knowing his voice would carry through the door.

“Open the door Virgil,” was all Logan replied with.

Virgil thought about it for a moment and really tried to come up with some sort of solution that involved him kicking Logan and Sam out. He ended up with nothing. Years later and he still hadn’t found a way around this, which is why it was such an effective trick.

He gave in with a huff and opened the door.

Logan nodded and slipped past him, coming to stand in the entry hall.

“What do you want Logan?” Virgil said firmly. He crosses his arms over his chest, not really sure if he was doing it to seem more confident or to protect himself. Adva slipped out of his pocket and crawled her way up to his shoulder.

Virgil had never had a problem with Logan seeing his daemon- hell Logan was the only one who had touched Adva outside of his parents- but now for some reason he couldn’t help but feel naked in front of him. Exposed. Even though Logan had seen Adva billions of times, had held her, had allowed her to fall asleep in his palms, Virgil still felt uncomfortable.

Adva didn’t seem to have the same concerns, as she didn’t move to hide again.

“Can we talk?” the boy asked.

Virgil scowled but there was something inside him that seemed to thrum at Logan’s words. That wanted to hear what he had to say. Virgil just had to let his guard down.

Was he willing to do that?

He took a deep breath and his shoulders relaxed a tiny bit.

This was Logan. He wasn’t going to hurt Virgil. Not on purpose anyways.

“Okay,” he replied, “Let’s talk,” and he turned to go to his room.

Logan followed.

-

In his room, Virgil took the familiar spot on his bed. 

Instead of joining him, Logan sat at the desk in the corner, putting distance between them. Samson had no such reservations, flying from Logan’s shoulder to land on Virgil’s head.

The contact was a bit shocking. Virgil knew he and Logan had been through a lot together, but they also had never fought like this. The contact was a little bit of reassurance that Sammy- Logan’s soul- still felt connected to his own. Whatever was going on, it meant that Logan and Virgil could probably figure it out.

Probably.

Adva climbed up his own face, scratching it a bit in the process, to join Sammy. Virgil could feel her nudge into Samson gently as the bird started to nest in his hair.

Virgil chose not to disturb them, even though he knew his hair would be an absolute mess later.

It reminded him faintly of Logan and Samson’s old fights over the bird daemon continuously bringing shiny things he found back to Logan. The habit was fine and even endearing until Sammy started hiding said objects in Logan’s hair. Logan had complained that his hair had always hard to deal with because of Sammy nesting in it- which was true, it was always a mess- but now he was finding things like soda tabs and bits of aluminum foil in it.

This continued for a while until Logan hit a breaking point after Samson hid a person’s retainer in his hair. Logan had enough and bought some hair gel. Which in turn absolutely freaked Samson out, because not only was Logan’s hair now stiff enough that he couldn’t hide things in it, he also couldn’t nest in it. He bothered Logan about it all day, trying to get him to change it with no success.

Logan, on the other hand, had been absolutely giddy. He had finally figured out a way to stop Samson from hiding some frankly disgusting things in his hair. It had been quite ingenious problem solving. The gel completely fixed the issue.

But that night, when Logan had gone to wash it out, the boy almost had a meltdown at the texture. Samson admittedly laughed at him for a good while before just holding a smug smile, and insisting, “didn’t I tell you it was bad?” Logan had just scowled at him and called him rude.

They had ended up calling Virgil who came over and helped wash the gel out of Logan’s hair so he didn’t have to touch it himself. The entire time was filled with Samson’s and Logan’s petty bickering as Virgil stroked the gel out of Logan’s hair in the bathroom sink.

After that, Logan had never worn hair gel again. 

Sammy and him had eventually compromised on the objects he could hide in his hair. Logan’s hair continued to look like a literal bird’s nest, but at least he had stopped finding junk in it.

“Please tell me your not thinking about the hair gel,” Logan said.

“I’m definitely thinking about the hair gel,” Virgil replied immediately, not even attempting to hide such a fact.

“You make one mistake,” the boy said with a groan, shoving his face into his hands.

Virgil just chuckled lightly before they both fell into an uneasy silence.

It was Logan who broke it.

“Are you mad at me?”

“Yeah, Lo, I’m mad at you.”

The boy nodded, seemingly in confirmation. He put his hands together, leaning forward a bit as he figured out what to say. Virgil just waited.

“I was mad to,” Logan admitted, “But I realized I wasn’t actually mad. I was hurt. And because I was hurt I got mad.To protect myself. I think. Does that make sense?”

Logan said each sentence slow and careful, as if he had been thinking about them for a while. He didn’t look up at Virgil during his short speech and played with a spinner ring on his finger. When he did finish he did look up, staring at a point near Virgil’s earlobe.

Virgil let his words sink in.

Truthfully, he hadn’t really thought about what Logan was feeling. All he had been thinking about was how hurt he had been by Logan’s actions and how betrayed he had felt when he went radio silent. He hadn’t thought about how it must of been for Logan, knowing that his closest friend had lied to him.

The guilt started to creep in, and Virgil’s walls continued to lower at Logan’s own admissions.

“I, don’t think I was mad either,” Virgil admitted, “I think I was hurt too. And then kinda got wrapped up in my own feelings to think about yours.”

“Me too,” Logan agreed, “With forgetting about your feelings. I- uh I did that too.”

Here was the thing, Virgil and Logan both really struggled with emotions and how overwhelming they could be.

For Logan, he could never identify his emotions. He never knew what he was feeling. As a child it had gotten him labelled nasty names like “Robot.” Adults looked at him like he was an alien or a monster when he said he didn’t feel things. 

For Virgil, he could never identify his emotions. He always knew what he was feeling. He was feeling everything, all of it at once. He could never differentiate between where one ended and the next started. It got him easily marked as emotional and weak.

Logan had always been told he felt too little.

Virgil had always been told he felt too much.

They both had been told to stop.

No one had ever actually told them how to work with what they had.

Over the years that had figured it out themselves. They’d take space and try to calm the overwhelming roar and focus. It made the blur of everything and nothing fade just enough to identify what was going one. It still wasn’t easy and it still didn’t always worked. But they talked about it. Communicated what they could in hopes to figure out the rest. And they did it together. Like they did everything.

In the heat of the argument they had forgotten to take that space and work on that communication.

Virgil had got caught up in his spiraling whirlwind of emotions, blinding him to the fact that Logan had to be feeling just as much.

Logan had got caught up in his vast emptiness of emotions, blinding him to the fact that Virgil had to be feeling just as lost.

They took a breath.

“I’m sorry,” they said at the same time.

And things would be okay.

But they weren’t. They would be, but they weren’t right now. Not yet.

“I really am sorry though,” Logan continued.

“I know Lo.”

“No. No. It’s just. Emotions. And I didn’t understand what I was feeling and so I just got mad at you and I didn’t talk to you at all and maybe if I just could understand what I was feeling and it wasn’t this difficult for me and if I wasn’t so stupid or autistic I wouldn’t of hurt you.”

At this point, Logan had taken to gripping his hair tightly and tears were springing to the corner of his eyes.

“Hey, hey, Logan no,” Virgil instantly tried to soothe, going straight to damage control, “We were both upset. Really upset. And it isn’t all on you, that isn’t fair. This isn’t all your fault at all. As to the emotions part- everyone struggles with emotions-”

Logan made a distressed noise.

“And I know it’s not the same for you. I know that, okay? But emotions are different for everyone and I know how yours work. It would be weirder for me to adjust to you behaving more towards the neurotypical standard, because that’s not you. And that’s okay. I’m used to how you are now. This isn’t a thing you’re solely responsible for and it definitely isn’t an issue because you’re autistic.”

Logan didn’t say anything after that but continued to pull at his hair. In fact, he didn’t really seem to be responding to any of the stimuli around him.

Leading into a shutdown then, was Virgil’s guess. Or at the very least, he was incredibly overwhelmed.

“Hey, you want Sammy back? You can pet him instead of pulling at your hair,” Virgil offered.

Logan shook his head.

“Okay. That’s okay. But can we figure out something to do besides pulling your hair? You can hurt yourself that way.”

Virgil didn’t want to take away Logan’s stims. But he was hoping he could at least find an option that allowed Logan the same comfort that pulling his hair provided, but with less harm to himself.

Logan didn’t say anything in response to Virgil’s comments, but also didn’t seem opposed to new ideas. He pulled his legs up onto the chair with him, tucking them tightly into himself.

Both the hair pulling and tucking his legs inward were stims that had to do with Logan’s body, specifically the pressure against it. Virgil knew what to with that.

“We don’t have your weighted blanket here but I can wrap my comforter around you and I could hug you really tightly? Does that sound okay?”

Logan didn’t respond at all for a second but eventually nodded.

Virgil sighed in relief and hopped off his bed. He set Sammy and Adva on the side table and yanked his comforter off his bed. He brought it over to Logan and wrapped it around him firmly before hugging him tightly. He slowly let go of his hair to wrap his arms around him instead.

“Let me know if you want me to stop,” Virgil whispered before falling silent.

He didn’t know how long they stayed there, but it had to have been a while.

Logan eventually mumbled that he could stop and Virgil slid off. He left the blanket at Logan’s request.

Virgil sat down on his bed once again. Samson transferred back over to Logan, settling atop him once he got permission.

“Virgil,” Adva said softly.

Virgil turned to her. She was gazing over at Logan.

“Want to go to Logan?” he asked.

“Yeah,” she agreed.

“Lo, that good with you?” he questioned.

The boy nodded.

Now that he had consent, Virgil scooped Adva up and carried her over. He gently set her in Logan’s hands. Logan cupped her carefully and stroked a finger down her back. Virgil returned to his bed.

“I-” Logan eventually started, “You’re right Virgil. It isn’t all my fault and I also had a lapse in judgement about my neurodivergent traits being the root of the problem.”

“It’s not really me you need to apologize to, but yourself, Virgil commented, leaning to lay down. “Plus, there’s only room for one of us in this friendship to be self-deprecating, and sorry to tell you, but that spot’s filled.”

Logan huffed a bit, whether in exasperation, humor, or concern, Virgil wasn’t sure. Probably all three.

“And,” Virgil restarted, “I’m sorry as well. I wasn’t thinking about you either. I was really hurt by what Roman said and I didn’t want to- honestly I don’t know what I wanted. But even when you found out that I was lying to you, I could have initiated a better, more productive conversation. But I didn’t and I’m sorry for that.”

After his admittance, Virgil stared up at his ceiling. Glow in the dark stars were strewn across it, in the patterns of actual constellations and measured by an accurate distance ratio. Logan had put them up all alone while Virgil’s parents distracted him. It had been Logan’s present for him on his tenth birthday. 

“Thank you,” Logan said, “I appreciate the apology.”

“And I yours,” Virgil agreed, “But I still want you to know that I’m not always going to tell you the truth.”

“Virgil-” Logan started.

“No,” Virgil said firmly, “Logan, I appreciate that you care about me. I do, a lot. But there are some things I might need to keep to myself. But I agree that I shouldn’t have lied about this. Because it was more than a small situation, Roman did really hurt me, and by not telling you and then continuing to allow you to encourage us to spend time together was unfair to both of us. 

“It hurt me in the present, and I know it hurt you when you found out I was doing that to myself. So I can commit to not lying about serious things like that.

“But I can’t commit to never with holding information from you. It might be because I’m not ready to share it. I know we’ve been in situations like that with both of us, and we both have been good at respecting each other’s boundaries. 

“I’m not going to promise I’m going to share everything with you, especially not right away. But I will always tell you about the important stuff. And the stupid stuff. And a lot of stuff. And hell, I’m saying all this but I’m probably going to share everything with you anyway.

“The point is that if I chose not to share things with you, I need you to be okay with that.”

Logan didn’t respond right away, instead choosing to continue to stroke Adva. Adva seemed to very much enjoy it, curling into his hand tightly. She yawned a bit and the corner of his mouth quirked up.

“Okay,” he replied, a firm nod going with the word, “Okay. I understand that.”

Virgil let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding. He hadn’t really known what he would do if Logan had said no.

“Are we good?” Virgil then asked.

“Yeah Virgil, we are,” Logan replied.

They both smiled.

Things were okay.

“Can- Can I join you on your bed?” Logan asked.

“Course Lo,” Virgil agreed, “Always can.”

Logan ducked his head a bit at the comment and walked over to lay down next to him.

“You okay with touching?” Virgil asked.

“Lay on me?” Logan requested.

Virgil went to do exactly that.

He scooted over to Logan a bit more until they were side by side. Then he rolled over onto Logan, their chests, stomachs, and legs pressing together. 

Virgil buried his head in Logan’s neck.

“What- What do you want to do about Roman? Logan eventually asked.

It was then Virgil realized that Logan knew nothing about his recent conversation with Roman, after all they hadn’t been talking at the time. To be honest, it was sort of weird that Logan didn’t know. Virgil had always shared pretty much everything with him, which is why Virgil forgot about it completely.

“Oh, oh,” Virgil said, “Uh, me and Roman talked actually.”

“You did?”

“Uh yeah,” Virgil agreed, “We uh, well he found me in the bathroom and then kind of helped me through an anxiety attack? And after we went to the theater and we talked it out and he apologized for what happened as well as like the stuff as kids. 

“And I sorta realized that I was also probably judging him a bit harshly for what happened when really it was more stuff between Mom and me. And of course not everything is fixed because he still was a dick and he said some truly awful stuff, but he seemed actually apologetic? So I’m going to give him a chance and we’ll see.”

Logan didn’t say anything.

And then finally, “What?” he asked.

Virgil explained again.

Logan’s immediate response was then, “You had an anxiety attack?”

“Yeah,” Virgil admitted.

“When? What? Virgil!”

“It was after-”

Virgil then cut himself off. Because the truth was that he started to panic after Logan had refused to talk to him. Virgil had gotten into his own mind, thinking that Logan hated him and would never speak to him ever again. 

And yes, looking back on it Virgil could identify the irrational thinking but it had all seemed so real and possible in the moment. And Virgil knew that Logan would blame himself.

“Virgil?”

“It was after I had come up to try and talk to you. I- uh- got in my head and started to spiral. Kept spiralling. Led to an anxiety attack.”

Logan shifted a bit from underneath Virgil.

“It’s not your fault Lo,” Virgil whispered softly, “You know how I get in my head.”

“But I made it worse. And I- I help you with these things. And you help me. We do it together.”

“It’s not your responsibility though. Plus, you’re acting like you probably didn’t immediately have a meltdown after I left your house when we first fought. We do do it together. But we also can’t be perfect at it.”

Loga shifted a bit more underneath him.

“Want me to get off you?” Virgil questioned.

“No. Please stay,” Logan insisted, “And- you’re right. I did have a meltdown. Punched the wall.”

Virgil made an involuntary noise in the back of his throat. He knew Logan couldn't control his meltdowns, and Virgil didn’t expect him to in the slightest, but it also hurt him every time he heard that Logan had hurt himself on accident.

“Your hand okay?”

“Yeah. I didn’t break anything. My mom checked it.”

Virgil hummed a bit before falling silent.

“But, Roman helped you?” Logan eventually spoke up.

“Yeah,” Virgil admitted, “Or well, Titania touched Adva. It helped.”

Logan’s head jerked up a bit at that, which twisted Virgil’s neck weirdly.

“She what!? Roman had her do that?” Logan demanded.

“Bold of you to assume that you let us do anything,” Adva snarked from her position on Virgil’s pillow.

“Adva,” Virgil whined.

“Shut up, you weren’t even aware at the time. Titania touched me, Roman had nothing to do with it, he actually tried to stop her. But I liked it and Virgil liked it. Plus it helped, that’s all there was to it,” Adva said firmly.

Logan hesitated, but nodded.

“We went to the theater after,” Virgil then told him, “Talked about stuff. He apologized. I was mad. Realized some of that was because of my mom and wasn’t fair to put on him-”

“Your mom?” Logan asked, “What does your mom have to do with this?”

“Nothing,” Virgil quickly denied.

Logan let it drop. Virgil knew Logan would let it drop. He was terrible at telling when Virgil was lying, not that he did it often. But Virgil had made a commitment, and it wasn’t fair to Logan anyways.

“Or well, she does, but I- I’m not- It’s-”

Truthfully, Virgil didn’t even know what it was or how to explain this to Logan.

Because how could he explain that he loved his mother? And he thought his mother loved him but maybe she never did? Or maybe she did love him but not enough and not in the right ways? Or maybe she didn’t love him but and ideal of a son that Virgil never matched up with? Who knew. Virgil sure didn’t.

It wasn’t like he could ask her; she was dead.

A tear slipped down Virgil’s cheek.

Logan couldn’t have noticed that from their position, but he could probably notice the hitch in Virgil’s breathing because Virgil didn’t seem to know anything anymore.

“We- We don’t have to talk about that right now?” Logan offered.

Virgil nodded into where Logan’s shoulder met his neck.

“So, Roman and you are okay?”

“Yeah,” Virgil agreed, clearing his throat a bit, “Talked it out. I uh, we're gonna try to do the friends thing.”

“Okay,” Logan said, but doubt tinged his voice.

“I have my doubts too,” Virgil admitted, “but I’m going to give him a chance.”

“Fine,” Logan mumbled after a moment.

“Thank you.”

Logan offered a hum.

After that, they both fell silent and just sort of layed there. It had been a long week without one another and Virgil was very clingy. Logan, at the moment, was also decidedly so. Like he said, it had been a long week.

So they just stayed there, Virgil on top of Logan. And they both might of drifted off only to awake when Virgil’s dad came home and knocked on the door muttering that Logan’s parents were wondering if he was spending the night.

Logan glanced in Virgil’s direction before responding with a no, because he couldn’t just do things like that, he had to prepare for them, that wasn’t his routine. He texted his parents he’d be home soon. 

Virgil and Logan stayed there for another minute, before Logan got up with a promise that he would see Virgil tomorrow.

Virgil nodded, pulled him tight one more time, and then let him go.

They would see each other tomorrow. It was a promise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TW: Shutdown** (Logan experiences a shutdown), **Internalized Ableism** (Logan blames himself and being autistic for causing issues), **Anxiety** (Virgil shows visible signs as anxiety as well as anxious thinking patterns/errors), **Borderline Abusive Parent (mentioned)** (Virgil's mom is briefly brought up), **Anxiety Attack (past)** (Virgil references a past anxiety attack), **Meltdown (past)** (Logan references a past meltdown), **Unintentional Self-Harm** (Logan hurts his hand by punching a wall and pulls at his hair) 
> 
> Thanks so much for reading, and I hope you enjoyed this new chapter! This one was a fun one for me to write because I'm a total sucker for communication and healthy friendships. I'd love to hear what you thought of it. Remember to always be polite!
> 
> ~childoflightning
> 
> My tumblr is [here](https://thechildoflightning.tumblr.com/). Feel free to check it out, keep updated, and see extra stuff involved with this story.


	7. Touch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Touch (v)- come so close to (an object) as to be or come into contact with it.
> 
> The four boys spend a day at the beach, a peace offering intended to prove that Roman really has changed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **TW: past mention of Parent Death**  
>  In Depth TW in End Notes

In a new attempt at friendship, Logan, Virgil, Patton, and Roman had all decided to have a picnic at the beach one evening. It was a chill event with low expectations as well as a lack of anything else that could possibly be overwhelming.

It was a middle ground, a peace offering. It was an attempt by Roman to show Virgil that he wasn’t as bad as he seemed, and that he could change. Virgil took it with a careful wariness and low expectations, so here they were.

Virgil had to admit, Roman was keeping true to his promise, and the even itself happened to maybe be a little fun.

Roman had brought a volleyball and convinced them to at least try and play.

He quickly explained the rules which were almost immediately ignored. It was hard enough getting the ball from one side to another as is. Add in rules and it became way more difficult. They also didn’t keep score, because Volleyball scoring was confusing in the first place, and even harder when you didn’t have a defined set of rules.

Even though there wasn’t a point system, Virgil would argue that he and Patton were winning against Roman. When he had tried to point this out, Logan had interrupted him, saying he had a cool fact about volleyball. The fact that he decided to share was that he and Roman were actually the one’s winning, so shut up Virgil.

Roman had burst into laughter at Virgil’s face of betrayal and shock.

“Logan,” he protested, “We were totally winning.”

Were they? Who knew.

“I said it was a fact, did I not?” Logan pointed out. He adjusted his glasses, “You can’t argue with facts.”

“Yeah, well they can’t be _blatant lies_ either,” Virgil protested, even as a smile threatened to spread across his face.

Logan just huffed at him before sparring another glance at Patton.

That was another thing. Logan and Patton literally could not take their eyes off one another. Like at all. In addition, Patton kept making cute flirty comments, and yes Logan he was flirting, don’t try and deny it. And now, playing volleyball, Patton had taken his shirt off. Logan had practically died.

Patton asked if they were going to start and Logan had literally not been able to say a word.

Virgil found it fucking hilarious.

Roman had also seemed to figure out the subtext. He glanced back and forth at the two of them, his brow furrowing more and more. Eventually he looked towards Virgil in a face that screamed “oh my god they’re totally in love with each other.”

Virgil just nodded sagely.

He had tried to convince Logan to just admit his crush to the other boy, but his friend had been absolutely against it. Samson, who was usually Logan’s voice of reason (which was saying something, because Logan was all reason) had also gone suspiciously quiet.

So now Patton and Logan tiptoed around each other, neither saying anything as they continued to crush on one another harder than freaking Romeo and Juliet.

(Okay maybe Virgil was exaggerating a little bit, but he blamed both the exaggeration and theater references on the increasing amount of time he spent with Roman).

Basically, Logan was crushing hard, Patton was crushing hard, neither would say anything, and Virgil and Roman were amused and occasionally exasperated spectators.

During Virgil’s musing was when Logan spoke up.

“It’s low tide. Does anyone want to go look at the tidepools?” he said.

“Yes!” Patton answered immediately. He started to jump up and down as well.

In response to Patton’s own excitement, Logan flapped his hands and shifted on his feet. The two of them grinned widely at each other. Seriously, they were perfect for one another, how had they not confessed yet?

After Patton’s enthusiastic response, Logan turned to Virgil.

“Virgil?” he questioned.

“Nah, I’m good,” he said before offering a fond smile.

Logan tilted his head a bit to the side.

“But, you love the tidepools,” he remarked.

Which was completely true. Virgil did love the tidepools. But he was trying to get Patton and Logan together so his friend to finally confess his stupid feeling so please just go without him and have a nice cutesy walk with Patton, okay Logan?

The problem was, Virgil couldn’t say that.

“Hey Patton,” he spoke instead, “Did you know that Logan knows a lot about tidepools? He knows all about the animals that live in them and how to find the coolest ones.”

“You do?” Patton asked, awe coloring his words.

Logan instantly brightened, probably both from Patton’s attention as well as opportunity to infodump about tidepools- which was one of his many special interests.

“Yes,” he agreed, “Do,” he hesitated, “Do you want me tell you about it?”

“Please,” Patton breathed, “Let’s go!”

Patton than raced forward and grabbed Logan’s hand to drag him towards the tide pools.

Logan instantly pulled his hand away and Samson fluttered frantically up into the sky. Patton’s eyes widened in horror.

“Sorry!” Patton rushed to say, “I- I didn’t- Sorry!”

He was extremely apologetic, even if he didn’t quite seem like he knew what for.

Logan took a breath and shook out his hand.

“It’s okay,” he said as Samson flew back down to settle in his hair, “Please ask before touching me in the future.”

“Oh- Okay?” Patton offered softly. He still seemed a bit shaken. He didn’t say anything else.

“You, you can hold my hand now if you want,” Logan offered.

Patton looked shyly up at him. Logan didn’t keep eye contact but his smile was sincere.

“Yeah, I’d like that,” Patton admitted.

He then grabbed Logan’s hand and the two of them went racing off in the direction of the tidepools.

“That’s gay,” Roman offered with a snort, even as his gaze was fond. Titania raced from where she was digging in the sand over to him and start climbing up his body.

Virgil chuckled a bit at the comment.

“Y’know, I’m really happy that Patton likes Logan. I think Logan’s good for him.”

“Course he is,” Virgil said, “He’s Logan. Then with a bit of a teasing edge he added, “Why? Did you not think so at first?”

Roman turned to face him, horror written all across it.

“No,” he said frantically, “I didn’t- it’s just I didn’t know him or anything-”

“Chill,” Virgil said with a laugh, “I get it. You’re just looking out for your friend. I understand. I was messing with you.”

“Oh,” Roman said, as his posture relaxed. “Oh, okay good. I mean Patton can make his own choices anyway. Logan just seems like a nice guy.”

“He is,” Virgil agreed.

Adva seemed to also agree. She made a little noise and start to climb up out of his shorts pocket and up his side, eventually settling on a spot on his chest. Her nails cling into the shirt, creating just the tiniest bit of friction against his skin.

Roman watched her the entire time.

“What?” Virgil asked, tone going a bit frosty when he noticed Roman’s attention was focused on the chameleon.

“I- It’s nice to see her,” Roman said.

Virgil bristled. Just because he hadn’t seen his daemon out and about didn’t mean he had every right to-

“I mean, I really thought I fucked up. So I appreciate you offer me enough trust to even see her after all that,” he clarified.

The tension that had been in Virgil completely disappeared.

“Oh,” he said, “Oh, uh yeah. No problem. I mean, you’re trying, so.”

“I am,” Roman agreed, voice earnest.

After Roman’s claim, silence fell over them and they awkwardly looked back and forth at one another as their feet shifted in the sand.

“Uh, wanna go sit back down?” Roman offered.

Virgil nodded, and together they went back towards the blanket they had set up on the side, leaving the volleyball net behind them.

“I don’t come to the beach much. Practically never actually. It’s nice,” Roman remarked eventually, “I guess I’ve always taken it for granted.

Virgil thought it was a bit of a weird way to start a conversation, but honestly, who was he to judge.

“I don’t come as much now,” he admitted, “But Logan’s parents used to take us a lot as kids, and during the summer we’ll always come down more. Logan’s sister loves the beach, it’s just hard to get out here during the school week.”

“You spend a lot of time with Logan’s family,” Roman mentioned. He gazed out towards the water, as if searching for whatever land mass was hundreds and thousands of miles away.

Virgil shrugged.

“Yeah,” he agreed, “My dad works. And my mom died a while ago, so, y’know. Sorta been adopted into them.”

Roman made a low humming noise, and held it longer than if it had just been a response to Virgil’s question. His fingers tapped on the blanket.

“You don’t have any siblings?” Roman asked.

“No.”

“Good. You don’t want them,” Roman said, sounding completely serious, “Siblings are the worst.”

Virgil frowned. Hadn’t Roman mentioned a little sister who he absolutely adored? He had mentioned her at the koi pond, right? Bringing up the fact that she was autistic and her parents- Roman’s parents- were very supportive. But he seemed to really love her.

“Don’t- what about your sister?”

Roman turned his head to face him with a sharp movement.

“My sister?” he asked, confusion creasing and lining his face, “I d-” his eyes widened, “Oh- right. I mean yeah, I uh, love my sister. She’s great. I was talking about my brother.”

“You have a brother?”

Roman grimace and looked back out towards the sea.

“Yeah,” he agreed, “A twin.”

“Are you identical?”

Virgil wasn’t quite sure if it was possible, but Roman’s grimace worsened and he pulled his legs in towards his body.

“No,” was all he said, and left it at that.

Virgil could recognize when it was time to change the subject, even though he could tell that Roman was leaving something out. Both about this brother- who Roman apparently greatly disliked- and his sister- who he claimed to love but couldn’t even remember.

But it wasn’t Virgil’s business. This whole ‘trying to be friends thing’ went both ways. It wasn’t fair for Virgil to expect Roman to trust him right away when he didn’t even trust Roman yet himself. He would drop it and choose not to pry. It was only fair, right?

Even so, he couldn’t help but wonder what Roman was hiding.

“We should try and come to the beach more,” Virgil said instead.

Roman nodded and his body relaxed slightly.

“Yeah,” he agreed as his legs stretched back out, “Yeah we should.”

The implication behind the “we” was heavy. It determined that there would be more of Virgil and Roman hanging out. It was another olive branch. They were getting there, getting closer. Perhaps even eventually friends.

They sat in silence after that, but didn’t last long.

“Hey, do you want to go swimming?” Roman asked out of the blue.

Virgil gave an incredulous stare at Roman, a stare that Roman didn’t seem to acknowledge or notice one bit. Which was fine, Virgil was used to vocalizing his body language for Logan anyways. It was a habit at this point.

“Roman, _why_ would we go swimming? It’s almost dark out and probably freezing.”

“Oh come on, Doctor Gloom, it’ll be fun. The water’ll feel nice.” The boy finished his request with a wide, beaming grin. And well, how could Virgil say no to that?

“Fine,” he sighed as he stood slowly.

“Yes!” Roman cheered, before jumping up, kicking off his shoes, and racing towards the waves, still fully clothed. Titania chased after him, leaping onto his back right before he made first contact with the waves.

Virgil let out a small laugh and joined him, albeit much more slowly. He carefully placed Adva on his shoulder, checking in with her to make sure she was okay. Because while Titania seemed fine on Roman’s back, Adva was a lot smaller and Virgil did not look forward to having her drown and ultimately proving Roman right about being Severed. Not a good plan.

When he had made sure she was okay, he approached the waves cautiously.

Roman was looking expectantly back at him, waving him forward eagerly. Virgil sighed, and resigned to getting his jeans wet. He stepped in and raced forward to join Roman further out.

Virgil caught up to Roman at a little more than mid-chest deep.Titania had taken to swimming on her own, her body surprisingly nimble in the water. Adva stuck to Virgil’s hair, tiny claws gripping a bit too tight. Titania might be able to swim, but Adva certainly couldn’t.

Roman grinned widely at him before ducking under the next wave and swimming even further out. Virgil sighed, but followed.

The swam out far enough until they couldn’t stand anymore, floating softly in the waves.

The ocean had a sort of eerie peacefulness to it at this time in the evening. The water was an inky black but glistened under the light of the stars and the moon. Both Roman and Virgil looked at it in awe.

It was in this slightly otherworldly moment that Virgil attempted to be vulnerable.

“Do you- Do you ever wish you could just get the hell away from here sometimes?” Virgl asked.

Roman looked towards him, and their eyes made contact. Roman’s gaze was piercing and Virgil realized they had never actually held eye contact before. Roman held the gaze for too long and Virgil had to eventually break it.

“All the time,” Roman breathed out.

For some reason, that wasn’t the answer Virgil was expecting, but was exactly what he needed to hear.

“Why do you think I got into acting?” Roman continued, “It’s- being here, being me, it can be exhausting, y’know? At least up on the stage I can just, pretend to be someone else.”

And yeah, Virgil got that. He got that completely.

“That sounds really nice,” Virgil agreed.

“It is,” Roman insisted, “It _really_ is.”

In that moment, they were in tune with that jet-black water, only broken in spots but clusters of glowing starlight.

But all too soon, and the moment was broken.

“Roman!?” a loud voice called out from shore.

The two boys looked back towards the sand to see Logan and Patton standing hand and hand and looking out towards them. Their figures were just barely recognizable in the darkness.

“Guess it’s time to go in,” Roman sighed. Virgil noticed the obvious remorse in the statement.

“Yeah,” he agreed. And then, “We should come back to the beach sometime. This was nice. Uh- spending time with you- well, uh, that was nice too.”

The shy grin that spread across Roman’s face was more than worth it.

“I’ll race you back to shore,” he offered, and before Virgil could even acknowledge the statement, he was off. Virgil spluttered, but followed as quickly as he could with a panicked daemon who couldn’t swim. (Which was very slow. Very very slow. He lost that race by a lot).

They were both laughing as they clamored out of the waves, until suddenly, the cool night breeze hit them hard. Back on dry land, the chill settled it.

So, yeah, turns out swimming in the middle of the night was not a smart idea, and was just something Virgil was remembering now as he practically froze to death. His teeth chattered loudly as goosebumps formed in seconds.

Roman shook his entire body, akin to a dog in many ways, and shivered as well.

“Did you go swimming?” Logan asked. He looked back and forth between their clothes as if he couldn’t quite believe it, even though the answer to his question was more than obvious.

“Maybe?” Virgil admitted.

“Yes!” Roman cheered at the same time, overpowering Virgil, “I was getting bored, and I mean, we are at the beach.”

“Roman, it’s eight at night,” Logan insisted.

The boy shrugged and shook out his hair, flinging water in all directions. Patton jumped back with a shriek and Virgil scowled as he continued to shiver.

Logan sighed, took in both of their appearances, and walked away without another word. Virgil didn’t know exactly why he left, but it was Logan, and Logan always had a plan, so he just decided to wait where he was.

“How were the tidepools?” Roman asked.

Paton’s eyes lit up and he gave a little jump.

“So much fun!” he exclaimed, “We got to see all sorts of cool critters! There was even this weird lobster looking thing but it was like really tiny. Logan said it was called something but I forget what. But it was super cute.”

“As cute as Logan?” Roman asked.

Virgil wasn’t able to see Patton’s blush in the dark, but he was absolutely sure it was present.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he stammered.

“Mhmm, sure” Roman said sarcastically. His body continued to shake in the frigid air.

Patton ducked his head, but before any of them could say anything Logan returned, holding the picnic blanket.

“You’ll have to share it,” he said, passing over the blanket, “But it’s better than the two of you getting frostbite.”

Roman and Virgil quickly glanced at each other before quickly grabbing the blanket and huddling close together to share both the blanket and their minimal body heat.

God, why had they decided to go swimming?

“The two of you are idiots,” Logan complained, “Seriously, I can’t believe you actually did that.”

Roman just shrugged under the fabric.

“C’mon Specs, where’s your sense of adventure?”

Logan adjusted his glasses and stared at a point on Roman’s forehead.

“I have a sense of adventure,” he defended, “But it doesn’t include me risking my health.”

Samson flew over and settled onto Virgil’s head, inspecting Adva to make sure she was okay. She was, of course, completely fine, if Virgil had ever thought she would be at risk in the water he wouldn’t of gone in, but Logan and Sammy just worried that way.

“Sam, get off,” Logan insisted, “Adva is fine and you’re going to smell like ocean water for days if you stay on Virgil any longer.”

Samson ignored him and started to nest in Virgil’s hair. It was a decent possibility he was doing so just to spite Logan.

“I think he likes me better,” Virgil declared with a smug smile.

Logan just scowled at his daemon’s betrayal. Patton and Roman watched interaction carefully. Virgil caught their eyes and bristled, prepared for the conversation he knew was going to happen.

It was a conversation that always set him on edge, and well, he didn’t quite trust Roman yet. Hopefully he would prove Virgil wrong. So far, he was doing so incredibly well. If he could make it a pattern, well Virgil could see them being actual friends.

It was Roman who spoke up.

“I, didn’t know- I thought you and Logan were-” he stumbled.

Virgil and Logan both shot him looks of confusion.

It turned out be Glinda who finally asked the question.

“Are you two dating?” the beaver daemon asked.

“Glinda!” Patton admonished as he shifted uncomfortably at his own soul’s words.

“No!” Logan and Virgil insisted at the same time.

“Er,” Virgil continued, “No. We’re not together. Logan is very much single,” he clarified. Look, he was rooting for Logan and Patton, alright? They seemed to be a good fit.

“But, Samson and Adva?” Glinda insisted.

The question was awkward, but valid. Daemon touching was meaningful. It was intimate. For Samson and Adva to be interacting with people besides their own? That had implications. Logan and Virgil knew that, they understood that, but they didn’t have to like it.

“We’re just close,” Logan insisted, “Sam and Adva. Well… It works for us and for them. It feels…” he trailed off, leaving Virgil to pick up where he ended.

“It feels nice, comforting in a way. It feels _right_. We’ve known each other for ages. It’s pretty much the same as family connections. Families touch each others daemons all the time, not just partners. It doesn’t have to be intimate like that. It can be familial.”

Logan nodded his head in firm agreement.

“Oh,” Patton said, “I hadn’t ever thought about it that way.”

No one offered anything else or attempted to argue. Roman and Patton just accepted the explanation. Virgil breathed a sigh of relief.

“Hey, there’s this really cool place off the road back towards home that does milkshakes? They don’t close until super late. Wanna go?” Roman asked.

There was a generally chorus of agreement, and they headed towards the car. Roman and Virgil still shook slightly under the blanket that was wrapped around them as tightly as possible. Virgil wasn’t quite sure if his continued shivers were due to the chilly air, or his proximity to Roman, and he didn’t think he wanted to find out.

But whatever. Milkshakes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **In Depth TW: past mention of Parent Death** (Virgil mentions his mom is dead)
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter! There's not much action, but there is the beginning of Virgil and Roman becoming friends. Which is a huge improvement for them.
> 
> Apologies for the late chapter, but it happens sometimes. If you were curious about why it was late, check my tumblr.
> 
> Also, if you enjoy my writing or this story, check out my tumblr [here](https://thechildoflightning.tumblr.com/). You can ask me questions, see some of my other stuff, or something else. Thanks for reading! Please be polite!
> 
> ~childoflightning


	8. Collide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Collide (v)- to come together with solid or direct impact.
> 
> Logan and Patton figure some things out, and Virgil learns a few truths.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TW: Shutdown, Lying**

Logan had found his place in crew. Lighting and sound. It was absolutely perfect for him. The booth was quiet and small, and allowed for a clear view of everything on stage. It was secluded from everyone else, while still allowing him to be involved, providing Logan with the perfect balance. Plus, it was interesting. Logan was genuinely enjoying it much more than he ever thought he would.

He had been fiddling with the precision of one of the lights and chewing on a stim necklace when the door to the booth opened, revealing Patton who quickly slipped inside.

“Patton,” he greeted, the chew falling out of his mouth even as he returned to focus on his work.

“Hey Lo,” he replied in turn, as he entered the room and took a seat at one of the unoccupied chairs.

Samson perked up at the other boys entrance, and flew to the floor to greet Patton’s daemon. Glinda and him had been interacting more and more recently. Logan wasn't quite sure what to think about it, considering that if Glinda was anything like Sammy, they were probably gossiping about Patton and him.

The two had yet to actually touch, but that was hardly found unusual. While it wasn’t necessarily uncommon for daemons to touch one another, it certainly was common either. Some daemons were more touchy, and others were less so. Logan didn’t know where Glinda and Patton fell, but he and Samson were definitely on the less touchy side, only really having contact with Virgil and his immediate family. And then, he still sometimes valued a lack of daemon contact.

It was intimate and personal, and sometimes just a bit too much.

Logan blinked, realized he had gotten lost in his thoughts, and returned to work. Patton continued to sit and watch. Which was unusual, wasn’t it? Patton didn’t usually come up here.

“Patton, not that I mind, but why are you here?” he questioned after a moment. After all, the quickest way to figure out a solution to his question was to just ask the question.

“Oh, just thought I would check up on everyone,” he answered.

Logan frowned and thought about that. It was unusual for Patton to do so. Patton had so much to do and was busy enough as is with the actors. Because of that, he usually delegated tasks such as checking in with everyone on crew to other people. Not to mention that someone had checked on where they were just yesterday.

Patton’s answer didn’t make sense.

He pointed out as much.

Patton sighed and his posture completely changed. From where he previously held himself upright in his chair he was suddenly slumping, looking exhausted maybe? Logan wasn’t sure, he had never been good at identifying emotions, much less emotions exhibited through body language.

“What's going on?” Logan asked, “Are you okay?”

“Just stressed,” Patton admitted.

“Oh,” Logan said, and went back to work. But Patton still didn't leave, so he wracked his brain for what he was missing.

Patton was in his booth. He didn’t usually come here. He was stressed. He wasn’t leaving.

Did he come here for support? Did he want Logan’s help?

“Is- Is there anything I can do to help?” Logan asked.

Patton visibly brightened. He smiled a bit and his posture was more open. In result of this, Logan had to assume all of that was a good thing and that he had asked the right question.

“I don’t think so,” he admitted, “I sorta just came up here because I like spending time with you.”

Logan ducked his head and blushed and Samson made a little noise before flying directly into his hair, settling deeply into it and burying his head within his curls.

“Oh,” Logan said, “I, uh, I like spending time with you too.”

He couldn’t meet Patton’s eyes, but he could only assume they shone as brightly as his smile. Why did he have to get a crush on the literal cutest boy in school?

“Well if I can help let me know,” Logan said, and left the offer hanging.

Patton hesitated.

“Well, if it’s really okay, could I just rant to you for a bit? If you’re in a good place for that? I talked a bit with Glinda, but it’s not the same as talking to another person,” Patton admitted.

“Hey!” Glinda squaked from the floor as she wacked it with her tail to show her frustration, “I’m great to talk to and I offer amazing advice!”

“I didn’t say you didn’t,” Patton soothed, reaching down with a hand to stroke her coarse fur, “I’m just saying that it’s different talking to your soul about things than a person. It’s a different sort of thing. A different sort of comfort.”

Glinda grumbled but conceded, moving her head so it rubbed against Patton’s hand to show her apparent apology.

“Rant away,” Logan offered, as human and daemon’s bickering came to an end.

“Right,” Patton said. He sat up straighter in his chair and turned to face Logan, “So pretty much we just had one of main actors drop out. And we don’t have understudies for everyone. So we just have multipurpose understudies. Do you know what that is?”

“No,” Logan admitted.

Patton nodded, and begin to lose himself in his explantation. He told Logan how actors had understudies, but in a small theater group like the one at their school, the understudies had to learn numerous parts and be able to fill in for a variety of an actors’ characters.

Logan nodded along, listening intently even as he continued to work.

“So yeah, it’s just a lot and so now we have to assign and understudy to that specific roll,” Patton sighed and swiped a hand over his face. “It’s stressful,” he admitted.

“That’s understandable,” Logan agreed, “It seems like you are already really busy, and this whole thing makes a lot of other stuff a lot more difficult. It makes sense that you’re stressed.”

“Yeah,” Patton said.

Logan spared him a glance and was shocked to find small trails of tears racing down his cheeks.

Had he said something? Had he done something wrong?

“Patton?” He asked, now worried. He took a few steps closer to the other boy, stopping just short of them, “Are you alright?”

Patton laughed and quickly nodded, leaving Logan even more confused than before.

“I’m fine,” Patton confirmed as he brushed away the tears, “It’s just, I feel like a lot of people are expecting me to have all of this together. And I do for the most part. But then times like these when things do get stressful. I just- I feel like-”

“Like you can’t talk to anyone,” Logan finished for him.

He looked down at the floor, study Glinda who was curled on Paton’s feet. He blinked a bit as he watched the daemon shift to rub her fur against Patton’s skin before making a cooing noise.

“Yeah,” Patton admitted. Patton was close enough to him now that he could feel the heat of his breath against his cheek.

“Well you can talk to me,” Logan encouraged. Samson peeked his head out from where it had been buried in Logan’s hair, and give his body a few shakes. “If you want,” Logan added.

Patton and Logan both breathed a few times, just inches of space separating the two of them. And then Patton stood quickly and leaned in.

His lips touched Logan’s, soft and warm.

As quickly as he could, Logan wrenched away, breaking contact as his heart pounding, even as his body screamed at him to continue kissing Patton. Because this was what he had been wanting, right? He wanted to kiss Patton.

But the touch had been so unexpected and he wasn’t prepared for it and lips were nice but they were also sort of slimy and-

It was just too much. It was all too much. And now Logan could feel his clothes pressing down on his skin and his heart pounded hard enough as if it could burst out of his chest at any moment even though Logan knew that was impossible and couldn’t happen but it was how he felt regardless.

“Sorry,” Patton apologize immediately. He took a step back, putting a tiny bit of distance between them even as he pressed himself into a chair. “I should of asked. I just assumed you felt the same way and didn’t even- I’m so sorry Logan.”

And now Patton was talking and everything was happening and it was just so much and Patton just kissed him. Patton had kissed Logan. And he had pulled away.

Logan slammed his hands over his ears, started to rock back and forth from heel to toe, and then began to scream.

Patton’s eyes went wide and he took another step back, falling into the chair. He also fell quiet, which Logan greatly appreciated. There was only so much stimuli he could handle at once, and right now that level was very low.

After a minute, Logan curled in on himself in one of the other free chairs, hugging himself tightly instead of rocking. He stopped screaming and replaced with a low hum as he wiped away the bits of tears from his meltdowns. He stuck his chew in his mouth, working on just stimming until he could handle everything around him once more.

“Lo?” Patton asked. He spoke softly and his eyes were wide as he looked at Logan.

Logan took in a deep breath before speaking, letting the chew drop from his mouth.

“Please don’t do that again,” he requested.

Patton immediately flushed scarlet.

“I won’t,” he promised, “I don’t know what I was thinking. I guess I just thought… Well we had been talking more. And the other day on the beach… I guess I just thought you maybe felt the same way? But that’s fine. You don’t have to.”

Shit. What? Patton thought Logan didn’t like him? After all of Logan’s blundering? Logan would of thought it would be clear how obviously infatuated he was with Patton.

But, now that he thought about it, Logan was awful at understanding unspoken messages. It was unfair to expect differently from Patton.

“No, no, no,” Logan said waving his hands in a desperate attempt to be understood, “No. I meant you can’t kiss me without asking. Not that you can’t kiss me at all. I do. I do like you. A lot. And I’d like to kiss you! You just have to ask me. You can definitely kiss me, but you can’t kiss me without asking first,” Logan desperately tried to clarify.

Patton’s posture instantly perked up, and he shot Logan a blinding a grin.

“You like me?” he breathed.

“Yes,” Logan confirmed. He then hesitated, “You- You like me too, right?”

“Yeah,” Patton agreed.

The two stood in stunned silence for a minute.

“Sorry for kissing you without asking,” Patton said.

“It’s okay. Just don’t do it again?”

“Yeah,” Patton confirmed, “Of course. Absolutely.”

“Okay. Uh, good. Also. Also, can you tell me when you want things?”

Patton cocked his head to the side, but didn’t say anything.

Logan just blinked at him, waiting for a response.

Patton didn’t say anything.

“What do you mean?” Patton eventually asked.

That was when Logan realized what had happened.

“Like that!” he said. “Exactly like that. I need you to tell me things and ask me things, not just expect me to know them, you can’t just use your body. When you first came up here, I had no idea what you wanted. It took me forever to put that together. And just now, when I asked you to tell me when you want things, you paused and gave me a look. I didn’t realize you were asking me to explain myself until you actually asked me to explain myself. It was only then I was able to put the pieces together,” he paused, “Uh, you were- you were expecting me to explain myself, right?”

Patton nodded.

“Right,” Logan said, “So I need you to vocalize those things. I know you know I’m autistic. But I also suspect you haven’t really been around an autistic person before. Which is okay. And all of us are different anyways. But with me, I need you to verbalize these things. I need you to verbalize almost everything. I won’t understand otherwise.”

Patton blinked a few times.

“Okay,” he said, “I can do that. And Logan? Thank you for telling me. Really. I want this to work. So thank you.”

A grin started to spread across Logan’s cheeks. Patton smiled even wider at the sight of it, and Logan ducked his head as he began to blush.

“Can- Can I kiss you again?” Logan asked.

“Yes,” Patton agreed quickly.

They both leaned in.

In that moment Logan couldn't help but be reminded of stellar collision due to the orbital delay of binary stars. He and Patton were circling stars, their orbits slowly destroying one another, and before long, they collided in a brilliant display, igniting the entire night sky.

And they kissed.

* * *

Virgil was painting his most recent prop when Patton walked over to where he was backstage.

“Hi Patton,” Virgil greeted as he continued to work on the shading to make the vines on the wall look a bit more natural.

“Hi,” Patton said back, before falling silent.

“What brings you backstage?” Virgil asked.

“I was just checking in on everyone,” Patton explained.

Virgil narrowed his eyes and turned to Patton, setting down his brush so he could give him his full attention. Adva also climbed out of his pocket and up his arm, settling into the crook of his elbow to inspect Patton.

“You don’t usually do that,” he offered.

Patton shrugged, a wide grin across his face. Glinda wiggled a bit at his side.

“Are you good?” Virgil asked uneasily. Patton was usually a happy person, or at least seemed happy, but he didn’t generally grin like a madman. It was a bit unsettling.

“Yep,” Patton grinned, “Great!”

What the fuck was going on.

Virgil couldn’t come up with any reason Patton would be this abundantly happy. What had caused such unusual excitement? Unless…

“Holy shit, did you and Logan finally kiss?” Virgil asked.

Patton blushed, giving Virgil all the confirmation he needed.

“Oh my god,” he crowed, “You did! You totally did!”

“Virgil!” Patton hissed in response.

“Sorry,” Virgil said, dropping his volume, “Sorry. Was it nice?”

Patton blushed further and Glinda let out a small meeping noise at his feet. He gave a quick, slight nod in confirmation, before burying his face in his hands.

“Yeah, thought so. Logan’s a really good kisser,” Virgil said.

Patton’s head shot up, his curls bouncing slightly.

“You’ve kissed?” he asked, in utter shock.

“Uh yeah,” Virgil said, shifting a bit awkwardly. Adva crawled up his arm and to his neck to hide under the hood of his sweatshirt. “I mean, we were the first people the other came out to. That went along with a fair bit of experimenting,” he admitted.

“Oh,” Patton said, seemingly understanding his logic. After all, what gay teen hadn’t dated at least half thier friend group? Unless they happened to be aro, and even then sometimes it could still happen. They were teenagers, and they were figuring things out. Weird shit happened.

Virgil decided not to mention that Logan happened to be his first kiss, and he had been Logan’s. That might be a bit too much of an overshare, not to mention more than a little awkward.

He didn’t feel that way for Logan, but Patton did, and Virgil didn’t think it was the right place for that right now.

“How did you and Logan meet?” Patton asked.

“Middle school,” Virgil answered easily, “Though technically, I met Samson a long time before Logan. Didn’t actually talk to him until we were paired up for a group project together. It was the only group project I didn’t absolutely hate.”

Virgil could remember it clearly. The project itself was hell, because a project often met presenting, and presenting always sent anxiety flooding through Virgil’s entire system. Logan- unlike every other student Virgil had ever been put with- rolled with that anxiety, and did his best to accommodate Virgil’s needs. No one else had ever done that. Virgil, of course, did the same when he learned of Logan’s individual struggles, and the two of them had been a pair ever since.

“Me and Roman met in middle school too,” Patton volunteered.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Patton said with a chuckle, “I honestly think we became friends at first because Roman was just happy to finally be older than someone. He’s one of the youngest in the grade, beat only by me and maybe a few others. Not to mention he’s the baby of his family.”

“Wait, what?” Virgil asked as the world froze around him as he tried to process Patton’s words. “I thought Roman had a younger sister?”

Patton shot him a confused glance, “Uh. No. Definitely not. He has a brother, but no sister. And no younger siblings. Just the one older brother.”

Every bit of trust Virgil had started to place in Roman collided in that moment, shattering into a million pieces.

“Oh,” Virgil said with a forced laugh, “My bad. Must have misheard or something.”

Patton shot him a look filled with suspicion, and Virgil did his best to ignore it. He didn’t have time for that right now.

Roman had lied. He had trusted Roman, and he had lied. They needed to talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TW: Shutdown** (Logan experiences a shutdown when he's with Patton), **Lying** (Virgil learns through Patton that Roman has been lying to him)


	9. Mask

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mask (v)- conceal (something) from view.
> 
> Virgil confronts Roman. Lies are revealed, but so are more than a few truths.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TW: lying, ableism, unsupportive family, shutdown**
> 
>  
> 
> Huge shout out to 9Teyya_Winterbound6 who figured out Roman’s Mystery!!

Only one thought ran through Virgil’s head: Roman had lied to him. Virgil had extended his trust to Roman and Roman had broken that trust because Roman had lied.

“Virgil, are you okay?” Patton asked, frowning a bit. His daemon also seemed to notice the change in atmosphere. Glinda’s fur bushed up, making her look larger than she actually was.

“I, uh, forgot something,” Virgil said quickly, “I’ll be right back,” he fibbed, before abandoning both Patton and his daemon.

Patton frowned after him, but Virgil paid him no mind, having only one singular goal at the moment.

Adva, realizing his intentions, crawling down from his neck and back down into his pocket. Good. Virgil didn’t want her exposed for this. It was too personal, too vulnerable. Roman had lost that privilege because he had lied. He had lied.

Roman had _lied_.

Roman also happened to be quite easy to find, working with a set of four other students off to one side of the stage.

Virgil stormed over, causing every member but Roman to look at him with a bit of fear in their eyes.

“Roman,” he seethed, “Can I talk to you for a minute?”

Roman finally seemed to pay attention to him, looking at him, looking at his group, and then back.

“Virgil? I’m busy right now,” the boy answered with a frown.

The other members in the group blinked a bit at Roman’s complete nonchalance before turning back to nervously watch Virgil, awaiting his reaction.

“It won’t be long,” Virgil promised, even though he really had no clue how long this was going to be. Or what he was even going to say. Again, the only thing he could manage thinking about right now was that Roman had lied.

“Sorry, I’m busy right now Virgil. Can I find you in a minute?”

“No,” Virgil hissed, “We’re talking now. Let’s go.”

Roman shot him a look, holding eye contact for a lengthy amount of time. Virgil gestured towards the door in response. Roman frowned, but nodded, said his goodbyes and followed Virgil out of the room.

“This couldn’t of waited?” Roman said impatiently, “We were in the middle of a scene and we still can’t get it down.”

He crossed his arms tightly across his body and Titania scampered up to settle on top of them.

“I know you lied about your sister,” Virgil blurted out immediately.

Should he have maybe approached that differently? Maybe. Who knew? Virgil wasn’t really thinking about it. All he was thinking about was that Roman had lied to him.

Roman just shifted back on his heels and cast his gaze downward.

“You lied to me Roman,” Virgil started, “Roman you lied. I told you I didn’t trust you and told me you would prove to me you could be trusted. We had a whole talk. You had the opportunity to come clean. But you didn’t. You lied. And you want me to trust you?

“Plus, not even that, but you lied about having an autistic sister? _Really_? That’s not fucking okay. I don’t even care that you lied to me.” That was a lie. Virgil absolutely cared, but he wasn’t going to tell Roman that, now was he? “But seriously, that’s so many levels of not okay. You can’t just- lie about having autism,” Virgil continued.

He was shaking at this point, both due to his crippling fear of confrontation as well as the fact that he was so freaking furious right now. But before he got the chance to continue his rant, Roman but in.

“I didn’t,” was all he offered.

Virgil stopped cold and raised his eyes to look at Roman’s own. Roman stared back, unflinching.

“Didn’t what?” Virgil scoffed, because if Roman tried to play this off like he wasn’t lying, Virgil was going to lose it.

“I didn’t lie,” Roman insisted.

Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit.

Roman really was going to try to play this off wasn’t he? Virgil couldn’t believe it. He huffed in response, because didn’t this prove everything Virgil had thought about Roman since the first day? Roman couldn’t be trusted. Virgil had given him a chance, and how stupid had he been to do that? Had he actually thought Roman changed? Roman hadn’t proved _anything_.

Except, there had been that night at the beach.

Roman and him, drifting in the waves and Roman seemed so damn sincere and could anyone really be that good of a liar?

Maybe Roman could lie to Virgil, but when Virgil had asked him if he ever felt trapped here, ever felt like he needed to get away, Roman hadn’t spoken to Virgil. He had spoken to the sea, and the sky, and the stars, and the moon. Maybe, maybe Roman was a good enough liar to fool Virgil. But Roman couldn’t fool the universe. Virgil knew that in that moment, out at sea, Roman had told the truth.

So Virgil extended a line.

A weak one, a thin one.

Virgil knew Roman had lied. He knew that. For certain. But well, might as well hear Roman’s side of things, right?

Then, _after_ Roman failed to defend himself, then Virgil could get mad.

(Virgil just hoped that somehow Roman could pull it off. That somehow Roman could prove that he hadn’t been lying).

“What do you mean you didn’t lie?” Virgil asked carefully. Virgil could feel Adva shifting in his pocket, and looked down as she poked her head out. When he looked back again Roman was giving that long, drawn-out stare he generally did. His arms uncrossed and he dropped them to his sides. With one hand, he started to drum his fingers against his pant leg. Titania shifted her own position slightly to rest on his chest instead.

“Okay, I did lie about having a sister,” Roman admitted quickly, “I don’t have a younger sister.”

Yup, and there went Virgil’s last shred of hope. Roman had lied. Great.

“But,” Roman continued, before pausing. The fingers that drummed against his leg stopped and he clenched the fabric between his fingers instead, rubbing it in circles. He shifted from his heels to his toes. Once, then twice. Virgil recognized the move. Logan had the same-

Virgil froze and took in Roman’s full posture. For the first time since Virgil had met him, Roman looked almost nervous. And that heal to toe movement? Logan had the same stim. The same stim.

“But,” Roman continued again, voice dropping steadily quieter, “I uh- I wasn’t lying about being autistic. My sister- she doesn’t exist, she’s not autistic, obviously. I am. I’m autistic.”

Virgil stared.

“I- I mean at least I think I am?” Roman offered, “I- My parents- well they wouldn’t ever take me to be diagnosed and there’s no way I can tell them but I’m pretty sure I am. I mean I’ve looked into it and like I do all the things and, and at first I thought it was maybe adhd or anxiety or something because like, I fidget and stuff but then I heard those were stims? The uh, the tapping and the rubbing nice textures. And I don’t- I don’t get when people are joking all the time? I struggle with tone and at first I thought I was just oblivious and gullible but I don’t, I don’t think that’s it? It’s not- I literally don’t understand it. I like, I like routine and it’s one of the reasons I fell in love with theater? Four shows a year, practice is always the same. And I mean I guess I do make eye contact and that’s a big, that’s a big thing that autistic people can’t do, right? And, well, I’ve never struggled with eye contact so maybe I _am_ making it up-”

“Uh avoiding eye contact is a common symptom of autism,” Virgil said, “but so is holding eye contact for too long. Which you do.”

Roman blinked at him and did that piercing stare of his again.

“I do?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Virgil agreed, “You’re doing it now.”

“Oh,” Roman said, and then immediately cast his eyes down.

“No,” Virgil said, “You don’t have to- Roman if the eye contact is natural and comfortable for you, you don’t have to- you don’t have to force yourself to look away. You’re fine, you’re okay.”

Roman nodded but didn’t make eye contact again. Which, yeah Virgil should've expected that. He shouldn’t have said anything. Logan liked to be aware of traits like that, but Logan was also comfortable being autistic and was supported by everyone around him. Roman- Roman had been probably masking for _years_ of _course_ he’d stop doing what was seen as an autistic trait as soon as he knew it was one.

Which Virgil knew wasn’t good. He knew from Logan that masking was exhausted and Logan hated to do it. He knew it lead to burning out which lead to shutdowns and meltdowns. He knew from his own experience with anxiety and from pretending that his anxiety didn’t exist that it was practically impossible. He had seen himself and Logan try to mask themselves as normal.

Virgil’s anxiety was considered more socially acceptable than autism, but his panic attacks weren’t, and Virgil knew all too well what happened when you tried to play that neurotypical standard. It never ended well.

(But people still did it. They did it out of fear and to protect themselves. And Virgil, Virgil understood that in a way he wished he didn’t).

God how long had Roman been sitting with this? Was Virgil the first person he had told? He didn’t think Patton knew and Roman and him had been friends for _ages_.

“So you believe me?” Roman asked.

“Of course,” Virgil responded immediately.

“Okay. Okay. Because I know- I know there’s a lot of things that don’t fit and I guess I could totally be lying to myself and and you so I guess maybe I did lie-”

“Roman,” Virgil interrupted, “You don’t have to prove your autistic to me.”

Roman let out a weak chuckle, “Yeah, Yeah I guess you’d know, huh?”

“That’s what I meant,” Virgil said. Roman’s eyes knit together and he frowned. “I meant that if you say your autistic I believe you. It doesn’t really matter what I’ve seen. You know you best, and this obviously wasn’t like, a whim decision. And, yeah, maybe you don’t fit the idea of autism perfectly, but a lot of that idea of what autism is is really inaccurate or super specific to one sort of way people present as autistic. Autism is a spectrum disorder for a reason. It’s, it’s- your brain works different Roman, and that can have all sorts of different symptoms. And that’s unique to _you_. You don’t have to, to _fit_ that perfect autistic stereotype to be autistic.”

Roman met his eyes again. Virgil gave him a small smile.

“Oh,” Roman said, “I uh, thought you’d be more mad about this. You uh, you _aren’t_ mad right?”

“No,” Virgil confirmed, “I’m not mad.” He made a mental note to start voicing his feelings verbally more for Roman, because that comment implied that he definitely struggled with nonverbal cues and body language. It would mean Virgil would need to be more vulnerable- which was terrifying- but Roman had just been incredible vulnerable himself. He could do a small thing in return.

“Oh, uh that’s good,” Roman offered. His hand continued to pinch the edge of his pants, and rub circles on the fabric.

They fell quiet for a second before Roman spoke up again.

“Sorry, But, why aren’t you mad? I mean, I did lie to you.”

“You did,” Virgil agree, “But I guess I see it… The reason you lied was a safety thing, right? It was to protect yourself. It’s- I mean that’s not _always_ okay but you’re obviously not in a great position, so… I get it. I respect that. Plus, honestly? It’s not any of my business. I mean, I’m really really happy you told me Roman. I just want you to know that, you don’t own your diagnosis to _anyone_ , okay? Including me. It’s _your_ choice to share that.”

Roman gave a weak nod. Titania- who had been hanging off the front of Roman’s shirt- moved for the first time in ages and wrapped herself over Roman’s shoulders.

“I just- Roman, I want you to know that I don’t expect you to share any of that with me, okay? But at the same time, you are welcome to. You can be yourself around me. You don’t have to mask.”

“Mask?” Roman asked.

“When you bury neurodivergent traits to appear more to the neurotypical standard. Uh- from what I got from what you said about your parents you probably have to do that a lot. And not only around them, but in most social settings,” Virgil explained.

“Oh,” Roman said, nodding, “Yeah I think I do that.” He frowned for a second, still holding Virgil’s gaze in that lock of his. Suddenly his eyes went wide and Titania scrambled up his neck to settle on his head, “You’re not, you’re not going to tell my parents, right? Virgil- Virgil you _can’t_ tell them! They absolutely _cannot_ know,” Roman pleaded.

The sheer panic in Roman’s voice caused Virgil to take a step back and process for a moment. Immediately after he recovered, he responded quickly.

“I won’t tell them,” Virgil promised, “I would _never_ tell anyone without your permission, okay?”

“Thank you thank you thank you,” Roman rushed to say. He says the words a fourth time under his breath, and then a fifth. When he did it for a sixth time he stopped rubbing his pants with his hands and clenched his fists tightly. He shut his mouth with audible clack of teeth to avoid saying the words a seventh time.

Virgil noted it as an auditory stim. An auditory stim that Roman was now repressing.

Virgil couldn’t help but think about how enthusiastic Roman had always been to participate in even the simplest and most boring vocal exercises and wondered if that was the only outlet for his vocal stims. Roman had always been into theater, it wouldn’t surprise Virgil if one of his main ways of stimming was through auditory means of vocal exercises and repetition of lines and lyrics.

Maybe now that Roman had Virgil he could stim around him too?

“You can repeat stuff all you want,” Virgil made sure to say, “And yeah, don’t worry, I’m not telling anyone. But, uh, you don't know you can tell Patton and Logan, right? They won’t care.”

Roman shrugged and continued to clench his teeth in that same way, refusing himself the opportunity to stim or even say anything at all.

Suddenly, he started to cry.

Okay, Virgil hadn’t been expecting that. What, what was happening right now? Roman had been fine just a second ago?

Or had he been fine? Maybe he had just seemed fine. Maybe he was masking much more than Virgil thought, covering and protecting every inch of possible visual emotion. Or maybe Roman’s emotions didn’t appear as much visually as other people’s in the first place.

Whatever it was, Virgil realized he should have seen this coming. Why was he surprised? Of _course_ Roman was crying, this entire conversation had to be _extremely_ overwhelming and here Roman was baring his soul to Virgil, directly after thinking Virgil was mad at him. Of course Roman was crying. Of _course_.

Roman sobbed louder and started to knock one foot against the other in a small repetitive pattern. Virgil probably would have missed the action if he wasn’t now consciously looking for Roman’s stims.

“Can I touch you?” Virgil asked. Because he needed to help Roman. But he couldn’t help Roman without knowing what he needed.

Roman didn’t say anything. Instead he reached an arm up, swiping away tears even as more continued to fall. He pulled at his hair for a second before dropping it to his side and drumming his fingers against his side. Titania dropped back down to his neck and Roman seemed momentarily relieved at the action.

Virgil recognized all his actions as sensory seeking and spoke again.

“Roman, you can absolutely say no, but can I try something? It would mean I’d have to touch you, but I think it might help. And if it doesn’t you can tell me to stop and I promise I will.”

Roman opened his mouth, made a small, frustrated noise, and shut it again before nodding.

Virgil took that as consent and stepped toward Roman.

“Titania,” Virgil spoke gently, “I don’t want to touch you, would you mind crawling off Roman for just a second?”

The squirrel hissed at him.

“Titania,” he said again, “I’m not gonna hurt Roman, I really am trying to help.”

She judged him with her small, beady eyes for a second before speaking up.

“Okay,” she relented, “But if you hurt him I _will_ kill you.”

Virgil hadn’t expected to ever get a death threat from a squirrel but here they were anyways.

“Got it,” he replied. A surprising amount of fear settled within him at the threat. Titania might be a squirrel but she was genuinely absolutely terrifying. Virgil had no doubts she would do her very best to keep her promise.

Titania gave him a small nod with a suspicious look and raced off Roman, settling a few feet away to keep watch. Roman whined once she crawled off, which almost made Virgil change his decision because Titania had obviously been helping somewhat. Virgil was just hoping this would help more.

“Okay Roman, I’m going to touch you now,” Virgil said.

Then, slowly but firmly, Virgil wrapped an arm around Roman’s stomach and the other over his shoulder before connecting his own hands. Virgil then settled his stomach and chest against Roman’s back, trying to spread and disprese his weight as evenly as possible. When he had a firm grip on Roman, he started to squeeze lightly, doing his best to avoid his jacket pocket where Adva was resting.

Hopefully Roman was into pressure stims. He certainly wasn’t trying to pull away or becoming more distressed. In fact, after a minute or so he started to melt into Virgil. Another minute and his crying ceased.

Then, suddenly, Roman started to hum. He would hold a single note as long as he could before starting again. And again. And again.

Virgil wasn’t sure how many times he did it or how long it lasted, but it was nice. He started to lose himself in Roman’s humming and the tight hug he had embraced him in.

Of course, such things had to come to an end.

“Sorry,” Roman said abruptly, breaking off the humming.

“What for?” Virgil asked, slightly baffled.

“The humming,” Roman replied.

A weak smile made its way to Virgil’s mouth.

“You don’t have to apologize for your stims.”

“That’s a stim?”

Virgil would have laughed if it hadn’t been so heartbreaking.

“Yeah,” he said, “Yeah the humming, repeating words and sounds, rubbing your pants, drumming your fingers, your foot tap, pulling your hair, shifting from heel to toe. Those are all stims Roman.”

“Oh wow, really? I just thought they were annoying.”

And fuck if that didn’t just break Virgil’s heart.

“It's not annoying to me,” he promised, “some people will find stims annoying. But they’re ableist assholes and not worth the time. But I won’t find your stims annoying. And if I say something that hurts your feelings about your stims, tell me to fuck off.”

Roman laughed a bit and shifted under him. One of his hands came up to rub and then scratch at his skin just below where Virgil was holding.

“Do you want me to get off now?” Virgil asked.

Roman hesitated and dropped his hand. He didn’t reply

“Roman,” Virgil said, voice soft, “What do you want?”

“Uh, yeah, can you, can you get off?” Roman asked.

Virgil released him immediately, and Roman twisted to face him. Titania instantly raced back over to Roman, settling on his back and peering over his shoulder. Adva even removed herself from Virgil’s pocked, coming to clutch onto Virgil’s clothes just above his hip bone.

Roman had made a lot of mistakes. He had been a complete asshole to Virgil as a child, and continued to be a dick even more recently, most noticeably at the koi pond. He had made harmful assumptions about Virgil and acted on them.

But, if Virgil was being completely honest, he had done something pretty similar when he immediately made the assumption that Roman lying to him had some sort of ill intention. Roman had promised to stop making assumptions and was doing his best to follow through with it. It was probably only fair for Virgil to do the same.

Roman had promised to prove himself to Virgil. And he was. He really, truly was.

A lump formed in Virgil’s throat.

“Hey, Virgil? Are we friends now?” Roman asked, interrupting Virgil’s thoughts, “I know I asked a while ago and we obviously weren’t-” And oh god that conversation made so much more sense now, “But, are we friends now? I mean, I think, I think maybe we might be?”

“Yeah Roman, we’re friends.”

A blinding grin split across his face and his eyes shone brightly. Virgil thought he was maybe starting to fall in love with that smile.

Okay wait nope- what? Virgil, Virgil was absolutely not falling fro Roman, right? There was no way he could be falling for such, such a…

A determined friend who was doing his best to amend for past mistakes? A kind guy who was a perfect mixture of silly and serious? A vulnerable confider who had just spilled his soul to Virgil?

Really, what wasn’t there that Virgil was falling for?

And he was _not_ about to deal with _that_ today.

Virgil let out a weak cough.

“Uh yeah, okay, good talk. We’ve uh- We’ve been here awhile though haven’t we? And you had that thing, right? You were in the middle of something. So yup, now we’ve cleared this up it’s time to go back. I think I left a paint brush out, probably should deal with that, right?”

“Uh- okay,” Roman agreed, “Yeah I do- I do need to get back…” he trailed off before adding, “Virgil are you okay?”

“Fine!” Virgil squeaked, “Dandy! Never been better!”

“Okay. Uh- well thanks for not freaking out and hating me I guess,” Roman said with a light chuckle, one of his hands coming to rub the back of his head in a way Virgil could only describe as ‘sheepish.’

“Of course,” Virgil said immediately, “And again, you can talk to me, okay? You don’t have to mask anymore.”

Roman nodded, “Yeah, thanks. I got it. See you later.”

Virgil said his own goodbyes, and they went off to rejoin their groups and continue their work. And Virgil absolutely, 100%, did _not_ think about Roman.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TW: lying** (Roman lies to Virgil), **ableism** (Roman experiences internalized ableism. Ableism directed towards autistic people is also discussed), **unsupportive family** (Roman's family is unsupportive of him), **shutdown** (Roman experiences a shutdown)
> 
> I have been waiting since day 1 to get to this point in the plot. I hope y'all enjoy it as much as I did. Thanks.  
> ~childoflightening
> 
> My tumblr is [thechildoflightning](https://thechildoflightning.tumblr.com/). Feel free to send in asks and prompts, keep updated, or whatever.


	10. Share

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Share (v)- tell someone about (something, especially something personal).
> 
> Virgil comes to some realizations, makes some mistakes, and finally talks about some things he probably should of talked about a long time ago. Logan listens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **TW: Gaslighting (past), Poor Self-Worth**  
>  In Depth TW in End Notes
> 
> GUIDE:  
> "words"- English  
> " _words_ " - ASL (American Sign Language)  
> -  
> The ASL in this is also in ASL grammar instead of English grammar. (Or my best attempt anyway). I am not a native speaker, nor am I fluent, but I like to think that I am fairly proficient. That said, feel free to reach if I messed anything up, because grammar be hard.

Virgil was fine. He didn’t like Roman. Obviously. Everything was fine. Absolutely.

He continued painting leaves on a set piece decidedly not thinking about Roman because it’s not like he liked the boy or anything like that at all no siree why would anyone ever think that? The leaves he was painting were looking pretty poor if Virgil was being honest.

This was when Ethan approached him, Oto at his side.

“Those leaves look like shit,” Ethan offered as he crouched down to join them. In an unusual display of affection, Oto settled his head in Ethan’s lap.

“Thanks,” Virgil bit back and continued to paint more shitty leaves.

Ethan sighed, moved to take a seat next to Virgil, and picked up a paintbrush. He worked alongside Virgil, correcting and fixing up Virgil’s leaves as he went.

“I saw you duck out to talk to Roman,” Ethan mentioned, “Everything alright?”

“Yeah. All good.”

Because it was all good. Virgil and Roman had a nice heart to heart and they figured some stuff out. They were officially friends now. Friends. Because that’s all Virgil wanted. Because he was certainly not crushing on the other boy.

Ethan went to say more, but hesitated, and then finally spoke up.

“Okay. Well that’s good.”

“What Ethan means to say,” Otomors spoke up, “Is that if you ever want to talk, you can talk to him.”

“Shut up Oto,” Ethan hissed, as a blush crossed over his face.

Virgil looked from daemon, to human, to back to daemon. Otomors looked decidedly smug even as he was chastised.

Virgil thought it was nice of Oto to offer. He got that Ethan wasn’t a really open person or one to talk about feelings. But the boy really was sweet in his sarcastic, biting way. Virgil had even had a crush on him for a bit.

Wait- when did it turn to _had_ a crush? As in past tense? Virgil definitely still had a crush on Ethan, because who else could Virgil be crushing on? Certainly not Roman.

That’s when Virgil came up with a brilliant idea. He liked Ethan. (He did. He still did. Right?) Ethan seemed to maybe like him. Ethan didn’t really seem to care about anyone, but he (or Otomors, but whatever) had very clearly extended support to Virgil. Plus, they had kinda flirted before, so Virgil had a shot, right? Virgil would just ask him out and then this whole Roman nonsense would be over with. Not that there was Roman nonsense to begin with.

Because Virgil couldn’t like Roman. Roman was, Roman was so good. He was a good person and he was putting in all this effort to be Virgil’s friend. But Virgil was going to ruin it like he always did because Virgil was unlovable and he would just be leading Roman along and that wasn’t fair.

No one could love Virgil, and it wasn’t fair of Virgil to try and make them.

No one loved Virgil, and he knew that for certain. After all, his mom had said so.

“Virgil? You okay?” Ethan asked.

So Virgil had an idea.

“Hey Ethan, would, how would you like to go on a date?”

“With you?” the boy asked, appearing the closest to seeing surprised that Virgil had ever seen him.

“Yeah.”

Ethan’s face fell and he scrubbed at it with one of his hands before letting out a large sigh. Virgil felt his stomach sink.

“Virgil,” he sighed, “You can’t- Don’t do that to me.”

“Do what!” Virgil protested, “I just asked you out. I get if you don’t like me or whatever, but you don’t have to be rude about it.”

Ethan sighed again.

“Virgil,” he said in that same way, “Virgil. You can’t- I do like you Virgil, that’s not the problem.”

“Then what is,” Virgil hissed.

“The problem is that while I like you, you don’t like me. Not anymore at least. You like someone else,” Ethan said patiently.

Virgil blushed red before snapping back defensively, “And how would you know that? You don’t know who I like.”

Ethan went still and gave him a knowing look that made Virgil hiss with displeasure. Adva squirmed awkwardly in his pocket.

“That’s what I thought,” Ethan murmured.

“What you thought? What you thought?” Virgil said, voice rising, because had Ethan really pinned him down this fast, this quickly? He couldn’t, he absolutely could not like Roman. He couldn’t do that to Roman. No one could love Virgil, and it wasn’t fair of Virgil to expect that from others. “How could you possibly know what I feel?” Virgil shouted, “You barely know me!”

Ethan held his ground but Otomors took a step back.

“Virgil,” Ethan insisted.

“No! No, don’t ‘Virgil’ me. And how- you were flirting with me and now you’re mad at me for asking you out! You led me on!”

Was Virgil being unfair and lashing out at this point? Or most definitely. Was he going to stop? Hell no.

“Virgil-”

“No! No! You claim to know what I want when you barely know me and then you flirt with me and tease me and get all friendly with me but get all mad at me when I seem to think maybe something’s going on.” Virgil was pretty much in hysterics at this point. His voice was loud, tears were barely held back, and he was beginning to struggle with his breathing.

“I’m not mad at you,” Ethan stated calmly, “I’m just saying you seem to like someone else. I’m sorry if that was out of line.”

“Yeah! Yeah!” Virgil agreed fervently, “That was way out of line. It’s unfair of you to doubt me or to think that I’m not able to care for you.” (He was unlovable he couldn’t care for anyone he was just tricking people into it).

“Virgil. That’s not what I said.”

“Well- Well it pretty much is,” Virgil claimed, voice wheezing with effort, “You can’t just say I don’t care or that I’m incapable of love because that hurts and it’s mean and you can’t-” Virgil cut himself off as the wheezing and pressure in his chest got worse.

“Virgil. Slow down. Let’s, let’s take a break, we can talk about this later, okay? I think you’re taking this the wrong way. Let’s just take a breather, okay?

Virgil’s gaze shot up to meet his. Ethan’s posture was open, but something in his eyes suggested fear. Fear that Virgil had caused, because that was all Virgil was good at, making people’s lives _miserable_.

He ran.

To the rundown boys bathroom of course because where the hell else would Virgil go?

With heavy breaths he fell to the floor. He squeezed his eyes shut and pulled his legs close and tried not to think about his mom.

“Tom, something is wrong with Virgil. You have to realize that. He- He has to be Severed, Tom and we need to do something about he can’t-” his mom rambled loudly.

“What exactly are you suggesting we do?” came his father’s response. Curiosity with a biting edge.

“I don’t know! All I know is that he has to be Severed and no one’s going to love him like that. People who are Severed, they’re shells Tom, and they’re manipulative. No one could ever love someone like that. And I just want the best for Virgil but we need to figure something out-”

“Rachel, this is our son you are talking about. Virgil is five years old. He’s not manipulative,” Tom attempted to argue back against his wife’s words.

Vigil couldn’t see his mom’s daemon, but if he knew anything about them at all, Kal was sure to be pacing angrily back and forth, truly looking like the predator that he was.

“Yes he is! He’s always demanding things and needing us and he just, those are clear signs of manipulation which is a sign of Severing-”

“Virgil is five years old!” his father’s voice interrupted, completely cutting his mother off, “He is a child! Of course he needs out help. He needs our guidance and support and our love and this crazy theory you have isn’t helping any of us, it’s just pulling us apart.”

“No,” Virgil’s mother insisted, “No, no it’s not. Virgil’s the one who's pulling us apart and we need to do something about it. Because if we don’t do something, nobody is ever going to love somebody like him.”

Virgil hadn’t been trying to listen. But it was hard when your parents were screaming at each other and you lived in a house with thin walls. It was from this day forward Virgil came to terms with the fact that no one could even love him.

That included Roman.

His breathing grew more and more strained until it felt like he wasn’t breathing at all. He was vaguely aware of the fact that he had to be panicking, but it was so distant and detached that Virgil didn’t know what to do with the information.

Suddenly, something small was being shoved into his hands. Virgil blinked through tears and lack of oxygen, studying the small cube in his hand. He started fiddling with the different sides, never staying on one side for long. He directed all of his focus towards the fidget cube instead of at all the thoughts floating around in his head.

The tears slowed and his breathing evened a bit more even while it continued to be shaky. He looked up a bit to see Logan, who was presumably the one that had shoved the fidget cube into his hand.

“4, 7, 8 breathing,” Logan reminded him. Adva crawled out of his pocket to sit on Virgil’s chest.

Virgil nodded and worked on doing exactly that. Logan waited patiently, chewing on a stim necklace around his neck. Whenever Virgil’s breathing hitched, Logan would gently jump in with a reminder to breathe and help him count.

Soon enough, Virgil’s breathing mellowed and it was just the two of them sitting on the floor of the bathroom. Which was pretty gross. Virgil made sure Adva had a grip on his jacket and then stood up. Logan copied the movement.

“Would you like a hug?” Logan offered, “You usually like hugs after panic attacks.”

Virgil nodded.

Logan stepped forward crossing the distance between the two of them and wrapped Virgil firmly in his embrace for a few seconds before letting go and backing away. Virgil missed the contact immediately and let out a small involuntary whimper. Samson left Logan’s side to settle on Virgil’s shoulder and bury his head into Virgil’s neck in comfort. Adva buried deeper into his side.

Virgil swallowed a lump in his throat at new tears pricked to his eyes.

Logan frowned at the action.

“Are you starting to panic again?”

“No,” Virgil said, shaking his head with a laugh, “these are good tears.”

“Oh. That’s good,” Logan said. He then hesitated, “Why are they good tears?”

It was the question that Virgil made a decision he should have made a long time ago. His mom had insisted that no one could ever love Virgil. But that had to be a lie, because here was Logan, and he loved Virgil, right? It might not be in the traditional romantic sense, but it was still love. Logan’s daemon was literally cuddling Virgil at this very moment. Logan loved Virgil. And Virgil needed to tell him.

He had needed to tell him for a long time now.

“Can we go home? Or go to your house? I need to talk to you.”

“Sure,” Logan offered, turning to leave the room, Virgil on his heels. It was Friday, so they started walking towards Logan’s dad’s house instead of his mom’s.

“Did you want to talk now?” Logan asked once the school had started to fade behind them.

Virgil’s heart quickened and his heart clenched. Samson flew off of Virgil’s shoulder, electing to fly overhead both Logan and Virgil. Adva turned her head to watch him make lazy circles above them.

“Nah, uh we can talk when we get to your house.” If he was going to do this, he was going to do this in private.

“Okay.”

“I- Uh- I ran into Patton. Heard you two finally kissed,” Virgil said to shift the conversation.

At the comment, Logan’s hands came up to flap in wild agreement and he bounced to his toes and back. Virgil took a step away to avoid being hit in his friend’s excited stimming and smiled softly at the action. Sam did a few loop-de-loops in the air above. Kissing had definitely been a good thing then.

Logan’s stimming died down slowly, but even after awhile he continued to slowly flap his hands at his sides.

“We did kiss,” he agreed.

If Virgil hadn’t known Logan, he wouldn’t of known how good of a thing that was. Logan’s face was blank and his tone was flat, showing no representation of emotion. But that wasn’t how Logan showed his feelings. In this moment, he was clearly showing his glee through his frantic and excited stimming.

“I’m happy for you,” Virgil remarked.

Logan nodded. Virgil wasn’t sure if it was in a stim or agreement. Both worked. They meant the same thing in this situation.

“I don’t know if I’m happy,” Logan admitted, “I’ve never felt what I'm feeling right now before.”

“That’s okay, you don’t need to know right away.”

“I feel full,” Logan attempted to explain, “I feel a lot. Very overwhelming a lot. Almost too overwhelming a lot. Is this how you feel all the time? With your anxiety disorder?”

“Kinda, but not exactly,” Virgil said. He thought about it, and one of his hands came near his stomach to gentle stroke Adva. “The overwhelming fits pretty well. I usually feel very overwhelmed, especially when my anxiety is worse. But that’s usually a bad feeling. I could be wrong, but I assume what your feeling is probably positive. The overwhelming part might not be fun and hard to filter out, but I would guess the emotion itself is nice.”

“It is,” Logan confirmed, “I like it. The feeling. Not the overwhelming. It’s hard to-” Logan made a frustrated gestured, “Words, just-” He cut himself off with a frustrated huff. His hands went from flapping to wringing. Samson flew down to land on his head.

“Hey, that’s okay. You don’t need all the words. If you want to try to find the words, I’m pretty sure you have an emotion folder at your dad’s.”

“Non-verbal,” Logan said, then fell quiet. He lifted his hands to sign instead, “ _Words want_.”

“Okay, yeah we can do that,” Virgil agreed easily.

“ _But_ ,” Logan signed, “ _First talk. Second words_.”

Great. Logan remembered that. Yes, Virgil had decided to talk to Logan and he knew he needed to, knew it was time.That did not mean that Virgil wanted to talk to Logan about any of this.

“C’mon,” Virgil tried, “You and Patton dating is the most exciting thing this week.”

“ _Date us? Not sure. Kiss yes. Talk later we need. Talk now you need. Then words_.”

“Okay,” Virgil agreed.

They walked in silence back to the house.

Logan’s dad wasn’t home when they arrived, which meant Logan had to dig in the bag for his key. He found it relatively quickly and shoved it into the lock before turning it and opening the door.

Virgil fondly noted that it had the same pegasus keychain on it, a gift from Virgil a few years ago when Logan had a special interest in the myth of the pegasus constellation. Virgil had to have heard the story a hundred times and had fallen in love with the tale himself. He had bought the keychain on a whim, hoping that Logan would like it. It appeared he did.

“You still have the pegasus keychain,” Virgil noted. Adva crawled up his chest and his shoulder to get a better look at it.

“Yes,” Logan said, voice quiet as he shoved the key back into his backpack. He lifted his hands to sign the next bit, “ _Important me. Gift from you_.”

The two slipped inside and headed to Logan’s room.

“Tell me the story again?” Virgil requested as he took a seat on Logan’s bed.

“ _Distract me attempt_?” Logan asked. He joined Virgil on the bed, but moved to sit against the headrest versus over the side.

“No, I just like when you tell the story, it’s a good story.”

“ _M-y-t-h,_ ” Logan fingerspelled, “ _Not story._ ”

“It’s a good myth,” Virgil relented, “And you tell it well. I promise we’ll talk after.”

“ _All words can’t sign_ ,” Logan admitted, “ _Vocabulary don't have_.”

Virgil shrugged in response, “I know it anyways. And you can fingerspell. But you don’t have to tell it if you don't want to.” Virgil doubted that was the case though. Logan loved to tell the myth.

“ _Want tell. You avoid, don’t want_.”

“I promised to tell you after,” Virgil said, but notably didn’t deny the avoidance part.

Logan sighed but nodded. He stuck his chew in his mouth before continuing.

“ _Pegasus born from sea f-o-a-m and g-o-r-g-o-n blood. White f-o-a-m give pegasus beautiful color. Pegasus become daemon without person. First daemon without person. Pegasus and B-e-l-l-e-r-o-p-h-o-n meet. B-e-l-l-e-r-o-p-h-o-n, name will be sign for bell. Bell human warrior with no daemon. Past daemon die in battle. Bell alone. Severed. Bell and pegasus become human and daemon. Bell first person ride pegasus, together attempt ride go O-l-y-m-p-u-s home God-s. Z-e-u-s become mad and shoot Bell down. Bell dies. Pegasus alive but not want live daemon without human. Pegaus choose melt become sky, become stars. Remind humans that daemon continue love, daemon importance._ ”

“I love that story,” Virgil mumbled as Adva cuddled into him in obvious agreement.

“Me too,” Logan spoke, “Good reminder.”

“My mom used to think I was Severed as a kid.”

“What?” Logan instantly asked. Samson flew up from his hair and settled on the top of Logan’s door.

Tears pricked to the corner of Virgil’s eyes and he blinked them away as fast as possible.

“Yeah,” he said, “Yeah. So my mom, she used to think I was Severed. I think it was because of the anxiety? And the fact that I didn’t have any friends until you. She- I dunno why- but yeah, she used to think I was Severed.”

Logan blinked at him as he processed Virgil’s words.

“But you’re obviously not Severed,” Logan said, “There’s ways to prove it. It hurts you and Adva to be Seperated just like everyone else. There’s- a daemon is a soul connection. That mean she thought you were Soulless. But that doesn't make sense because-”

“Logan, I know it doesn’t make sense. I know there’s ways to prove it. But my mom still thought I was Severed.”

“But she couldn’t have,” Logan said, “You’re not Severed. It’s a provable thing. And it can’t be proved in your case because you’re not Severed and you’re not Soulless so there isn’t a possible way your Mom would have believed that you were Severed-”

“But she did!” Virgil yelled, “She did think that!”

Logan slammed his hands over his ears.

“Shit. Shit shit shit,” Virgil said before shutting up. He raised his hands instead, “ _Sorry. Yell won’t repeat. Quiet now_.”

Logan studied him for a moment before dropping his hands from his ears.

“ _You want me sign? Talk don’t_?”

“You can talk,” Logan said, “Just please don’t yell again.”

“I won't,” Virgil promised verbally, “Sorry.”

Logan nodded, and the moment was over with.

“My mom _did_ believe I was Severed, Logan. I heard her talking to my dad numerous times about it. I get that it doesn't make sense. I’m not saying it does. But I know that was what she believed.

“I appreciate you trying to support me by saying that it doesn't make sense that she thought I was Severed. That’s validating to hear. At the same time, it isn’t validating to hear you say that it wasn’t possible for my mom to think I was Served because it seems like you’re calling me a liar.”

“That wasn’t what I meant.”

“I know it wasn’t. Still hurt a bit. And people don’t always make logical sense and that’s what she thought anyway.” Adva crawled down from Virgil’s shoulder to reenter his pocket. Logan tracked her movement.

“Sorry for hurting you. Your mom’s stupid.”

Virgil laughed a bit even as his throat seemed to fill up with tension, making it hard to swallow.

“Roman said he thought you were Severed a little while ago,” Logan added.

“Yeah,” Virgil agreed, “And that really hurt, especially because my mom used to think that.” He explained in an attempt to lay out the clear connection between the two panic attacks he had experienced recently, so that Logan could better understand his reaction.

“I believe you. At the same time it’s hard to believe that your mom said that you were Soulless. She was really nice. But I do believe you.”

“She was really nice,” Virgil agreed, “Uh and thanks for believing me.”

Sammy flew back over and settled on the far corner of Logan’s bed. The two boys were silent for a moment.

“She also- she also said that because I was Severed that I was unlovable,” Virgil whispered, “Because you can’t love without a soul. And I had manipulated her and my dad into loving me. And I’d have to manipulate anyone else that I wanted to fall in love with me. But that no one could really love me because I didn’t have a soul.”

At Virgil’s last comment Logan stood up and started to pace the room. A few seconds later he was walking over to his desk and opening a box and shoving a new stim necklace around his neck. Virgil noted that this one was one of the extra firm ones. Logan began to chew on it and resumed pacing.

“ _Mom lie_ ,” Logan signed. He didn’t say anything more as his hands came up to grab his shoulders, crossing over one another on his chest. Samson flew up to his shoulder. A minute later and Logan let the chew drop from his mouth. “Your mom lied. You’re not unlovable. I love you.”

“I know,” Virgil agreed, “It’s just hard to believe. And I- I know you love me. But what if she’s right? What if I did just trick you into being my friend?”

“If anyone did any tricking it was Sammy with that group project,” Logan protested. Virgil snorted at the thought and Sammy shook himself and chirped in protest.

“Fair enough,” Virgil remarked, ignoring Logan’s daemon.

“Do you believe me?” Logan asked.

“No,” Virgil admitted.

“Okay. Well you didn’t. It’s obvious that you didn’t.”

“How?”

“Because you love me too. You paired up with me with that presentation forever ago even though Sammy was annoying and no one else in the class liked me. You bought me a pegasus keychain because you knew it was my favorite constellation story even though I had to have infodumped about it so many times that you had to have been sick of it-”

“I never get sick of your infodumping, Lo.”

“-You help me through meltdowns and learned ASL for me because you know that I don’t like to type things out when I go non-verbal. You stuck around Roman even after he was mean to you and didn’t even ask for an apology just because it meant that I could spend time with someone I had a crush on. Which to be clear- you shouldn't of done-”

“Yeah I got that,” Virgil said, a bit choked up. A few tears fell from his eyes.

“-You’ve sacrificed things for me and done things for me even though you didn’t have to you. And most importantly- you never expected for me to love you. You never demanded anything in return. But because of what you gave me you got it anyways. That’s why I love you. I _promise_ I love you. Not because you pulled some weird trick and manipulated me into it.”

By the time Logan’s impromptu speech was over, Virgil was outright sobbing. He cried harshly and openly struggling to breathe around the tears. Adva curled into a tight ball in his pocket.

“Virgil, 4, 7, 8,” Logan reminded as Sam flew from Logan over to Virgil.

Virgil nodded, and Logan helped him count the breaths out until they got to a manageable level of crying but still being able to breathe.

“I think I like Roman,” Virgil admitted once he was able to speak again, “But I’m really scared. Because I think I believe you; you love me and that isn’t because I tricked you. But I can't be sure. And I’m scared of tricking Roman too. And I really don’t want to do that because I really, really like Roman and I don’t want to do that to him.”

“You’re a good person,” Logan insisted, “And it would obviously be up to how Roman felt about you as well, but I think it's an honor to be cared about by you.”

That was still incredibly hard to believe, but Virgil thought he may have at least started to trust it.

“Do you wanna look at the emotion folder now?” Virgil asked.

“Yes,” Logan replied, “But are you done with this talk, or are trying to change the subject to avoid talking about it more.”

“Both?”

Virgil was emotionally drained, and he knew that they weren’t going to get anything more out of this conversation. It was better to take the win they had now, and move on, returning to the conversation at a later day. It wouldn’t go away. It hadn’t for years. One conversation wouldn’t be enough to change that, but things had improved. It would be good enough for now.

Logan nodded, “Okay. Yeah, we can look at the emotion folder now.”

It took awhile for Logan to look through the options and figure out what exactly he was feeling in regards to Patton. While he did so, Virgil did it for himself, coming to a much quicker conclusion of what he was feeling.

He felt inadequate. But maybe also hopeful, inspired, and free. For now that was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TW: Gaslighting (past)** (Virgil's mom has convinced him that he his unlovable, manipulative, and soulless), **Poor Self-Worth** (Virgil has bad self-worth and considers himself "inadequate" as well as a failure, someone who ruins people's lives, unlovable, and manipulative).
> 
> Wow, we hit double digits. That's pretty cool. I hope you all enjoy!!  
> ~childoflightning
> 
> My tumblr is [thechildoflightning](https://thechildoflightning.tumblr.com/). Feel free to send in asks and prompts, keep updated, or anything else.


	11. Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Break (n)- an interruption of continuity or uniformity.
> 
> Virgil makes a decision about Logan, refuses to make a decision about Ethan, and interacts with Roman while still ignoring his ever present crush. During all of this, Virgil's mother's memory still hangs over his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TW: Negative Thinking, Bad Parenting**

It was a week later and Virgil was anxiously awaiting Logan’s return. He was actually in Logan’s room, spreadeagled on his bed, even though Logan himself was not there, due to being on his first date with Patton.

Virgil could be waiting at his own house, but why do that when he could get the story quicker this way? It wasn’t like Logan would mind, Virgil was at his house almost as Logan himself was.

Virgil had played with Logan’s sister for a good while until she had to leave for soccer practice. After she had left, Virgil had holed up in Logan’s room.

“Ugh, when’s he gonna be here,” Virgil whined, “I want to know how it went.”

“He said he’d probably be back around six. It just hit six. Calm _down_ ,” Adva responded from her place next to him on the bed.

Virgil just huffed at her logic and stared at Logan’s ceiling.

It was exactly three minutes later when Logan opened the door to his room. Adva had immediately shot Virgil a look as if to say ‘I told you so’ that he promptly ignored. Instead, he sat up and greeted Logan with a wide grin.

Logan had barely taken one step into the room when Virgil asked, “How was it?”

Logan immediately grinned and jumped up and down, flapping his hands wildly in pure joy. At the authentic reaction, a grin spread across Virgil’s face as well and he let out a quiet, happy laugh.

“It was so great!” Logan announced. Samson chirped in agreement and started to flit around the room. Logan stopped flapping and moved his hands in front of him, sliding them quickly together again and again and again as if he was trying to heat them up. The fast motion created a slight noise from the friction as Logan continued to rub his hands together. “So great,” he repeated, “so so great.”

Virgil laughed again. Logan’s eyes sparkle and he continued to stim looking so incredibly happy. Samson flew back to him and quickly nested in his hair.

“Tell me all about it,” Virgil said.

Logan eyes lit up even more than before and he was off, detailing every second of the date to Virgil. He started the story before the date had even happened, beginning with getting ready. Virgil just nodded along, letting Logan ramble about it even though Virgil had been there for that part himself.

Logan did eventually get to the date, explaining whatever stood out to him as important first, and then realizing he left something out, going back to explain more fully. He talked about how Patton looked and what they did and what they talked about and how perfect everything was even when it wasn’t. Logan didn’t leave a single thing out and repeated the things that he felt were important numerous times.

Virgil listened throughout it with rapt attention, only pausing to encourage Logan that he did want to hear about it, all of it, or briefly stopping the other boy for clarification when Virgil found himself getting lost. Logan talked for over an hour and Virgil listened to it all.

“Oh! Oh! And I forgot to tell you!” Logan said, once he had started winding down, “We decided that we’re officially boyfriends now.

Virgil felt his heart get heavy and he didn’t know why.

“You did?” he asked weakly. Adva climbed back onto Virgil and disappeared into his pocket.

“Yeah,” Logan agreed, “He asked me and I said yes and now I have a boyfriend Virgil isn’t that amazing!”

“Yes,” Virgil said automatically, because it was true that was amazing, “You deserve him. You’re a great guy Logan.”

Because that was also the truth wasn’t it? Logan was a great guy and so was Patton and now they were _dating_. They were so perfect for one another and now they had each other. And if they had each other, well why would Logan ever need Virgil? Virgil who always just seemed to complicate things and get in the way. Virgil who constantly dragged Logan into his issues. Virgil who wasn’t anywhere near as good as either of them.

“Thanks,” Logan said, and he was blushing. He flapped his hands some more. “I’m really excited,” he said, “I had a really good time.”

“I can tell,” Virgil said with a laugh, “I’m really glad you did.”

Virgil’s hand fell to his pocket and he gently stroked Adva as he thought.

This was a good thing, wasn’t it? Logan had someone better for him now. He didn’t need Virgil anymore. Virgil could pull away. Virgil _should_ pull away.

The problem was that Virgil didn’t want to. Logan had always been so good to him, so nice to him, had always been his best friend even when Virgil didn’t deserve it. His mom had even said-

Virgil shook his head, which seemed to catch Sammy’s attention. The bird daemon left his nest on Logan’s head to settle on Virgil’s instead.

Logan had said he had loved Virgil, and he’d claimed that it wasn’t because Virgil manipulated him into it like Virgil’s mom said he always would. Logan said he loved Virgil for _Virgil_.

But maybe Logan only thought that because he hadn’t had anyone else to compare to. Logan had Patton now, and Patton was so much better. Logan had to realize that Virgil wasn’t worth the effort- much less the love- anymore.

“Are you staying for dinner?” Logan asked abruptly.

Virgil made up his mind.

“No,” he said, “No I actually- I should be getting home now.”

“Really? This early?” Logan asked. Samson floated back down to Logan’s shoulder to stare at Virgil curiously.

“Uh, yeah,” Virgil said, “I have… things. Y’know?”

Logan’s hands stilled from where they had still been moving and he stared at a point past Virgil with a frown.

“Yeah. So I should go,” Virgil said, “Bye. See you later.”

Virgil knew that Logan wouldn’t ever leave him, even if it was what was best for Logan. He was too good of a person. This meant that Virgil would have to distance himself from Logan instead.

It was what would be best for Logan. It was what Logan deserved. Virgil just needed to let go.

So he did.

A week later after that first date and the four of them- Logan, Virgil, Patton, and Roman- were planning on doing something together as a group once more. Once they had almost finalized the plans, Virgil remarked that he was busy then, even though he was most definitely not. It only took a bit of convincing for them to reschedule at a later time and for Patton and Logan to go on a date instead. They didn’t need Virgil.

The best part was that his planned seemed to be working. Logan was confused by Virgil’s deflection but didn’t seem to challenge it and Patton went along easily enough.

The only issue was that Virgil had been so focused on Logan and Patton’s relationship that he completely missed the last important variable- Roman.

“Are you really busy?” Roman asked, a day after they had canceled plans as a group for the third time.

“Yes,” Virgil said. It wasn’t exactly a lie if he was technically busy detaching himself from Logan, right?

“Oh,” Roman said with a frown. He hopped onto the short side wall next to Virgil and kicked his feet against it absentmindedly. Titania jumped off of him to sniff along the wall. “You’re not- So you’re not canceling plans because you’re mad at me or something. Right?”

“No, no of course not,” Virgil said, Mad? At Roman? He was absolutely not mad at Roman actually he was crushing on him- but he was ignoring that because he did not have time for that right now, “No.”

“Oh okay, I just thought- y’know cause you keep cancelling plans and stuff,” Roman said. Titania came to stop next to Roman’s leg.

“Yeah. I’ve just been busy lately I guess,” Virgil defended once more, taking a seat on the wall himself.

Immediately after he did so, Adva crept out of his pocket and walked over to greet Titania. Titania sniffed at the other daemon curiously, but neither of them touched.

“Okay cool. Cause you know- I like spending time with you,” Roman said, “I enjoy hanging out with you and we haven’t really gotten to do that lately.”

Virgil couldn’t help but feel a bit guilty at that. He hadn’t thought about what his plan for removing himself from Logan would do to Roman as well. Virgil hadn’t meant to ice him out. In fact, Virgil had begun to enjoy spending time with Roman. Roman was really nice and now that they had finally figured all their shit out, Virgil enjoyed their relationship.

Or well, he enjoyed it as much as he could while still hopelessly pining after Roman. But even after Logan and his talk that wasn’t something Virgil was willing to address. Even if Virgil wasn’t manipulative, it still didn’t mean that Roman reciprocated his feelings. Virgil didn’t want to bet the fragile relationship they had finally seemed to form on something as stupid as a crush.

“Well, why don’t we do something together today?” Virgil asked out of the blue before he could have a chance to think it over.

He immediately half-regretted it. The issue was that he liked interacting with Roman but also had a huge fucking crush on him which made it a _bit_ awkward. It would be easier to do a group thing, taking some of the intimacy away, but that was also not an option because Virgil was trying to give Logan space to be with Patton. Logan didn’t need Virgil hanging around.

“Today?” Roman said and he rubbed the back of his hand as he frowned a bit. He stared at Virgil even as Virgil’s own gaze dropped to watch Roman’s hand.

“Yeah,” Virgil said, “But it doesn't have to be today either. I- uh- I know you probably have a routine and that can be upsetting to change with little to no warning.”

“Oh no I don’t really have plans,” Roman said, completely missing Virgil’s point, “I’d have to ask my parents though. They’re kind of over protective.”

“I meant that if you’re uncomfortable changing your routine so suddenly we don’t have to do something today. We can plan for another day if that’d be-”

“No, like I said, it’s fine, I don’t have any plans,” Roman cut him off, even as he continued to rub at his hand.

Virgil realized the disconnect.

“I didn’t- Roman I didn’t mean _plans_. I meant _routine_. Uh, you might not have plans, but you probably have a set thing you do everyday or in certain situations. It might not be a thing for you because autism is a spectrum, but a lot of autistic people have set routines and can anxious or upset when those routines change suddenly. And well, you seem sorta anxious so I just- I just don’t want to put you in a position where you’re uncomfortable,” Virgil explained.

“Oh,” Roman said, “But I- I don’t think I have a routine? Like I said I mean I kind of just have play practice four days a week and then go home. I usually just hang out for a bit and then go over to Patton’s or stay home and do nothing. I then generally have family dinner which sucks. After that I do homework. So I don’t really have plans or a routine or anything.”

Virgil snorted.

“What?” Roman asked.

“Roman, you literally just outlined your entire afternoon routine. Play practice. Go home, then hang out or go to Patton’s. Dinner. Homework. You do that almost every day with little to no variance. Roman, that’s a routine.”

“Oh yeah I guess it is.”

“Yeah,” Virgil said with a laugh, “And I mean a lot of people have routines just because habit. I have routines. But they’re different for me, they’re just a pattern I got used to. But for autistic people routines can be grounding. Straying from them can be anxiety provoking or be upsetting. My point is that if breaking routine by hanging out with me today would overwhelm you, you can say no. We can plan for a different day.”

Roman paused for a moment. Titania skittered down him, eventually settling all the way in his foot. She balanced their, tiny claws gripping into Roman’s shoe. Adva, now uninterested, returned to Virgil’s pocket.

“No, we can do something today. I’d like that. I just need to ask my parents,” Roman decided. He continued to bob his foot, gently knocking it against the wall with Titania now on it.

“Okay,” Virgil said, “Awesome.”

He gave a grin to Roman and Roman returned it with equal enthusiasm.

“Great!” he said. He pulled out his phone, presumably to contact his parents. “So,” Roman drawled as he did so, “How have you been?”

“Fine,” Virgil said with a shrug, “Finishing up the last touches of the set.”

“Oh! Right! Hey was it you who painted the leaves on the forest background?” Roman asked, eyes still on his phone.

Virgil swallowed and looked to his left. Ethan had been working on set blocking today and had in general avoided working with Virgil at all. Or at least, Virgil _thought_ Ethan was avoiding him. Ethan tended to be busy with all the crew, but he also seemed to be quite good at finding excuses to work and talk with Virgil in particular. He had stopped doing that every since Virgil had yelled at him. Not that Virgil blamed him. He had been a dick. He had overreacted and gotten angry at Ethan as well as invalidating Ethan’s feelings in the scenario.

It hadn’t been fair of Virgil. Even if he had been sacred and hurting, and had ended up lashing out because of that, it still wasn’t fair. Ethan hadn’t deserved that.

Virgil swallowed.

“Virgil?” Roman said.

“Uh yeah- I actually was kind of bad at painting the leaves,” Virgil said, Which was code for ‘I was angry and distracted so the leaves turned out looking like shit.’ “Ethan helped me out, fixed them up so they actually looked good.”

“Oh. Well that was nice of him. It looks really good.”

“Yeah. It was nice of him,” Virgil agreed guilt settling in his chest. He should probably talk to Ethan about that.

Before Virgil could think about that any further there was a buzz from Roman’s phone.

“Oh hey my parents say it's fine if we do something,” Roman said.

“Cool.”

Roman’s smile then dropped as his phone buzzed again, “But uh, they want to meet you first.”

“Oh, well that’s fine,” Virgil said, “I don’t mind.”

Roman groaned, “Ugh. Yeah. They’re just over protective. I- okay if you don’t mind I guess we can do that.”

Roman still didn’t seem happy about it, and Virgil wondered if there was more to it. From the conversations Virgil had had with Roman before, his parents hadn’t seemed like the best of people.

“Okay, well I’m supposed to get back,” Roman said. He jumped off the half wall. At the action Titania also jumped off him with a hiss. “Oh. Sorry Titania.”

“Watch what you’re doing,” she grumbled back.

He rolled his eyes, “You’re such a drama queen.”

“You’re a drama queen, bitch,” she grumbled right back. Her annoyance wasn’t very effective due to the fact that she jumped right back on him, scrambling up to his shoulder and nuzzling into his neck.

Roman rolled his eyes and shook his head, before giving his attention back to Virgil.

“I’ll meet you back here after play practice is over?” Roman asked. He drummed his fingers on his pants.

“Sounds good,” Virgil agreed.

Roman offered a smile before disappearing, and butterflies appeared in Virgil’s stomach. Virgil pushed them down with a frown. Roman was a friend. Even if Virgil wasn’t manipulating him into liking him that didn’t mean Roman liked him back. Virgil didn’t need to risk ruining their friendship. It had been hard enough to create as is. He needed to just forget about this whole crush thing.

With that, Virgil got back to work.

Before long, Roman was meeting up with Virgil and they were leaving the school headed to Roman’s house. Roman was infodumping about theater all the while, seeming to not even quite notice what he was doing. He was clearly excited, and Virgil couldn’t help but feel excited for him, smiling crossing his own face as Roman dramatically recounted the story of almost falling off the stage.

Virgil fell harder for Roman every moment he continued to ramble on.

Sadly, Roman’s rambling was cut off from a loud buzz in Virgil’s pocket. He sighed and checked it quickly. Only a few people texted him, each being important, so he wasn’t one to ignore his phone.

It was from Logan.

> Logan: Where are you?

Virgil clenched his phone.

“Hey, you okay?” Roman asked, pausing mid sentence to look at Virgil.

“I uh- yeah,” Virgil said. He quickly typed out a message.

> Virgil: hanging w/ Roman sorry I forgot to tell u

The bubble with dots appeared once, then disappeared, appeared again, disappeared, and then appeared for the third time. Virgil received a reply a moment later.

> Logan: Okay.

Virgil didn’t know why the text made him feel so upset. It should be good, shouldn't it? Logan not protesting probably meant that he was fine with Virgil pulling away with him.

Virgil had made the right decision.

Hadn’t he?

“Virgil?” Roman asked.

“Uh, yeah sorry,” Virgil shook himself, “So uh, meeting your parents. Are there things I should or shouldn’t do?” Virgil joked.

Roman’s face fell.

“Uh yeah, we should, we should actually talk about that,” Roman said, becoming instantly serious. His hand came up to clench his jacket sleeve, and he rubbed at it with his thumb.

“Oh,” was all Virgil had to offer.

It turned out there were a lot of things Virgil needed to know about Roman’s parents.

He couldn’t talk about Roman being autistic. It was also best to avoid talking about autism in general or mental illness or LGBTQ+ matters or really anything that could be considered even slightly controversial. Roman also said that if they asked about Virgil’s grades, he should just say he was a good or okay student and not mention the fact that he was in special ed classes.

Roman also said to ignore what they said. Especially about Adva.

“What? What do you mean about Adva?” Virgil asked. He put his hand on his shoulder where his daemon sat and gently scooped her up, holding her close to his heart, “What will they say about Adva?”

Roman sighed and looked at him, meeting Virgil’s eyes intensely.

“My parents have a lot of strong opinions about daemons,” Roman said carefully, “Particularly about stereotypical daemon meanings. They- They probably won’t like you Virgil. They’re going to assume things about you and Adva. They’ll be incredibly polite, but also undercut their politeness with insulting and hurtful remarks and I just want you to be prepared for that. If you- If you don’t think- Well, you don’t have to meet them. We don’t have to hang out.”

“No. No, it’s okay,” Virgil said, “I’ve probably heard worse.”

“Virgil. I was a jerk to you as a kid about your daemon. Where do you think I got those beliefs?”

Virgil swallowed.

“It wasn’t- Well it wasn’t until Titania Settled that I started to question some of all that,” Roman admitted, “I was- well truth be told I was _upset_ when Titania Settled. I- well she’s a rodent. I wasn’t- I wasn’t supposed to have a _rodent_ daemon.”

“Wasn’t supposed to?” Virgil asked, wondering how anyone was _supposed_ to have any sort of daemon. A daemon was your soul. They weren’t supposed to be anything except for a representation of yourself. No single form was better than another. They just were.

But not everyone believed that.

“Yeah,” Roman said, but didn’t elaborate.

Virgil had to ask.

“Roman, is- are you safe at home?”

Roman held that piercing gaze of his for a moment longer and then looked down at his shoes. Titania crawled from his back, to his arm, settling in the crook where his elbow was.

“Yes,” Roman insisted

“I- Roman are you sure?”

Roman hummed for a second before answering.

“Yes. It is- it’s not great. But I am- I am safe,” he insisted, “And if I ever need to get away for a bit I can just go to Patton’s.”

“Okay,” Virgil said. He hesitated and then continued, “I- if Patton ever doesn't answer or you can’t go to his, you can, you can call me, okay?”

Roman stopped and turned to face him.

“Thank you,” he whispered, eyes slightly misty. Virgil pretended not to notice, and he waited for Roman to start walking again.

But Roman didn’t start walking again.

Instead, he turned, gesturing to a house in front of him.

“Uh, here we are?” Roman offered with an awkward wave of his arms, “Welcome to my house?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TW: Negative Thinking** (Virgil thinks negatively about himself through out the chapter), **Bad Parenting** (Virgil's mom and Roman's parents have all shown traits of bad parenting. Some of it may border on abuse).
> 
> My tumblr is [thechildoflightning](https://thechildoflightning.tumblr.com/). Feel free to send in asks and prompts, keep updated, and more.


	12. Uncover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Uncover (v)- discover (something previously secret or unknown).
> 
> Virgil meets Roman's parents and learns about a family secret. In return, Roman learns a family secret from Virgil, as well as learning about a mistake Virgil has recently made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TW: Unsupportive Parents, Shaming, Murder (mentioned), Unsympathetic Remus (mentioned), Meltdown**

The first thing Virgil noticed about Roman’s house was how nice it was. Much like Patton’s house, you turned left on Fullsworth to get to it, and- like the rest of the places on the left of Fullsworth- it was very large, very big, and very expensive. That in itself was enough to make Virgil anxious.

“You’re house is really nice,” Virgil managed.

“Thanks,” Roman mumbled, seemingly more out of politeness than really meaning it. He opened the gate to the entrance area and held it open for Virgil. Virgil shuffled forward and entered the front yard, Roman right after him. The gate swung with a resounding clatter behind them.

“Hopefully this won’t take too long,” Roman acknowledged, “We’ll be in and out. We can go to the park nearby or something after.”

Virgil nodded, anxiety slowly pooling in his stomach. Roman was making this very clear that this was not about to be a pleasant experience. Adva slipped into his pocket, keeping out of sight.

Roman watched him out of the corner of his eye and opened his mouth to say something before slamming it shut.

“What?” Virgil asked as he walked alongside Roman towards the front door.

“They uh- they’re going to want to see your daemon. Just a warning. It’s uh, well it’s up to you. But it’s probably better if she’s out to start with. Especially- well just-” Roman seemed to fumble for words getting more and more tongue tied and frustrated. His fingers drummed on his pant leg.

“Okay,” Virgil said easily, even as his insides did not agree. He scoped Adva gently from his pocket. Adva didn’t seem to happy about that fact, but she let him place her on his shoulder anyways. Virgil wasn’t a big fan of having her on display either, but if this made things run smoother and go quicker, he was willing to sacrifice a bit of his comfort.

“Okay, uh, here we go?” Roman offered, and then he was pushing open the door.

Virgil immediately noticed the giant bison further in the room. The thing had to be at least 500 pounds and the moment Virgil entered the room they trained their eyes on him. Virgil heart thudded louder as he was filled with the knowledge that this creature could easily kill him.

“Hi Perdita,” Roman said casually, moving past Virgil and walking towards the daemon. Roman certainly seemed tense, but not scared by the large creature. Virgil exhaled and shook his head as he realized he’d been a bit quick to jump the gun.

No matter how bad Roman’s parents were, one of their daemons wasn’t going to kill Virgil. It had been an absurd thought, and honestly kind of rude. Virgil knew better than to make assumptions based on daemons and while the bison was quite large, it didn’t seem anything less than friendly so far.

“Roman,” the daemon- Perdita greeted.

Titania stood up on Roman’s shoulder and also offered a greeting to Perdita.

Perdita frowned at Titania.

“You’re dirty,” she noted.

Titania quickly inspected her fur, wiping it down and grooming it in a few places, not even attempting to defend herself. Virgil still hadn’t known Roman and Titania for long, but in all of his interactions with the two, Titania had always been quick-witted and sharp. She seemed none of those traits at the current moment. Virgil’s anxiety increased.

Adva shifted on his shoulder. Virgil turned to look at her and realizing she was also checking to see if she was dirty, attempting to look as presentable as possible. While Virgil had been anxious since arriving at Roman’s house, the first feelings of dread filled his stomach, oozing throughout his body.

“Titania I thought we talked about presentation. I get that this must be your form but you could at least-”

“Hey so this is Virgil!” Roman cut in, “He came home with me today. Where’s Dad?” Roman asked quickly, “We were going to say hi real quick and then get going.”

Perdita made a grunting noise and then moved, going further into the room and leaving the entryway open for Roman and Virgil. Roman walked forwards and Virgil trailed behind, almost like a shadow.

They soon entered a huge room- one side a kitchen and the other an extraordinarily nice living room. Roman’s dad- or who Virgil _assumed_ was Roman’s dad- was seated in the kitchen, on a computer.

“Hey Dad,” Roman greeted. His fingers continued to tap on his leg.

His dad hummed and looked up, gaze falling to Roman’s hand. Roman stopped tapping immediately. He then turned his gaze back up to Roman and Titania.

“I- You said you wanted to meet Virgil,” Roman said, waving at Virgil with his free hand.

“Hi,” Virgil said, “Uh, thank you for letting me come over. It’s very kind of you.”

“The two of you are staying?” he immediately asked, frowning a bit. He pulled off a pair of reading glasses.

“Oh no,” Roman said immediately with a forced chuckle, “We were going to go out after you met Virgil.”

Roman’s father frowned again. Virgil was starting to think it was a common look on him.

“Well it’s fine if you do want to stay. Just please inform us next time Roman, okay?” Roman’s father turned to Virgil, smiling widely, “Roman can be so forgetful, it makes things very difficult at times, as we juggled to change and fix plans,” he said. Virgil thought it was supposed to be a joke, but he didn’t get how putting down his own son was that humorous. “Isn’t that true Roman?”

“Huh, yeah,” Roman said, voice quiet, obviously hurt. He scuffed his foot on the floor. “Guess I can be forgetful. Is Mom around?”

“Oh, Roman, I didn’t mean it in a bad way,” he chuckled, “You can be so sensitive. I’m just saying that you’re a bit scatter-brained at times, yes?”

Roman didn’t say anything. His dad seemed to find this acceptable, because he moved on.

“And yes, your mom is in her office, I’ll go get her. Oh, and Roman, _please_ stop letting Titania get so dirty. You wouldn’t want people to think you don’t care about her. I mean I know her form is… well… but that doesn’t mean she shouldn’t be properly cared for.”

“Right, yeah, sorry,” Roman managed.

He disappeared a moment later, sliding past the two of them to a set of stairs.

“He was polite?” Virgil offered quietly, because he had seemed to be. He also seemed rude and uncaring but Virgil wasn’t really sure if that was his place to say. In anyways, it was almost impressive how Roman’s father outlined his politeness with harshness in just a way were you felt he was being polite but also couldn’t help but feel small and diminished in his presence. Virgil couldn't imagine what it would be like living with him if he was always that way.

“You haven’t met my mom yet,” Roman hissed back.

Virgil got the opportunity almost immediately after. Roman’s dad walked back down the stairs, with his wife right behind.

“Roman,” she said cheerfully. She moved forward and quickly gave her son a hug. Roman returned it much less enthusiastically, greeting both his mom and her lynx daemon. The lynx daemon- which Roman had called Lorelai- moved to circle their feet. A moment later and Roman’s mom pulled away, the lynx going with her.

“Oh and this must be Virgil!” she said as she turned to inspect him.

“Uh, yes,” he said, “It’s very nice to meet you…”

Virgil realized at that moment that Roman hadn’t told him what to call his parents. He also realized he didn’t know Roman’s last name so he couldn’t even use that. Why hadn’t they gone over this? A spark of anxiety lit in his chest as he tried to figure out what to do. Luckily, he was saved by Roman’s mom speaking up, apparently not noticing Virgil’s stumble.

“Yes it’s good to meet you too Virgil. Are you both staying for long?”

“Uh, no,” Virgil said sharing a glance with Roman.

Roman nodded in agreement, clenching his hands at his sides. Titania shifted a bit, but still sat on his shoulder instead of wrapping around his shoulders or clinging to him vertically like she usually did. Adva shifted on his own shoulder and Virgil was startled to remember that she wasn’t in his jacket pocket like she usually preferred in strangers presence. It felt unnatural and uncomfortable.

“Okay. Well Roman, make sure you still study some. I was checking your grades today your history grade dropped a bit. It’s important you keep it up y’know,” Roman’s mom commented.

“It was one test Mom. I usually do really well in that class. The whole class struggled with it,” Roman complained, seemingly frustrated.

“Hmm. Well you aren’t the whole class, are you? Don’t compare yourself, just do better next time.” She spoke that last sentence with a light laugh, and once more, Virgil didn’t recognize what had been funny about it. “Virgil dear, how do you do in school?”

Virgil remembered the conversation he had had with Roman earlier.

“Oh I do alright,” he said. Roman shot him a desperate look. “I mean uh, pretty good I guess.”

“He has Ms. Janther too and she’s always putting his essays up on the wall.”

She had actually only done that once until Virgil requested she took it down. Virgil also noted that Roman selected one of the few classes he was mainstreamed in, instead of any of his Special Ed classes. It didn’t bother Virgil by any means, he understood why Roman was doing it, but the fact that the ‘why’ existed at all certainly bothered Virgil.

“Oh,” Roman’s mom said, perking up a bit as she scrutinized Virgil, “You must be very smart then. Roman still struggles with his thesis statements. He can never get them concise enough, tries to cover too much at once.”

“Mom…”

“What,” she said with a laugh, “You do! It’s alright though. You’re conclusions are much better. If you could just figure out the time limit.”

The mention of a time limit made Virgil feel like his insides were squeezing. He had never thought about that. Roman probably didn’t have access to accommodations at all. Virgil couldn’t meet the time limit either, but with his IEP he was granted time-and-a-half to help support him and his struggles with anxiety. He also got to test in small groups or in alternative testing rooms and had breaks as needed. Logan got double time and a separate testing room. Roman didn’t have access to any of that.

“Yeah. I’m working on it,” Roman muttered.

Lorelai, the lynx daemon, then padded up to Virgil.

“Virgil,” he said, staring up at him, “Is that your daemon on your shoulder?”

Virgil blinked a bit at the boldness of an unfamiliar daemon speaking so blandly to him. Daemons didn’t often speak to strangers or unfamiliar people, generally choosing to stick to talking with those they were familiar and comfortable with.

“Uh yeah. This is Adva,” he said, ignoring the urge to hide her in his pocket.

Roman’s parents stared. It wasn’t hard to tell that it wasn’t good staring.

“She’s…” Roman’s mom offered, seeming to struggle to explain exactly what she thought of the chameleon daemon.

“Quaint?” Roman’s dad finished for her.

They both looked as uncomfortable as Virgil felt.

Roman’s father chuckled nervously.

“Uh, by the way Roman,” he said quickly, seemingly attempting to change the conversation, “You got a letter from your brother today.”

“Oh right, you have a twin right?” Virgil offered, latching onto the lead away from Adva.

“Yes! He does,” Roman’s mom agreed, “Remus. He’s older. He’s… _away_ right now but he writes to us. You should write back Roman, you never do.”

“Maybe another time,” Roman ground out.

Virgil looked at him, a bit shocked, and then remembered Roman’s mutterings about how awful siblings were. He wondered what Remus had done to deserve that title.

“Roman, you didn’t write him last time. He misses you,” his mom wheedled.

“And who’s fault is that?” Roman grumbled stiffly, shifting on his feet.

“Roman!” his mom scolded.

Roman’s eyes squeezed shut for the briefest of moments.

“Roman maybe you should write to Remus,” his dad soothed, stepping in, “I know it’s been a while but maybe it's been long enough now. I mean, Roman, it’s been what? At least two years? We tried to give you time but-”

“No. I’m not writing to Remus.”

“Roman! He is your brother!”

“He literally fucking murdered someone but go off I guess,” Roman muttered, seeming to have hit a breaking point.

“Roman!” “There was no proof that it was premeditated!” two voices screamed at once.

Virgil didn’t think he’d ever felt whiplash this hard before. Did they just say that Roman’s brother had killed someone? The premeditated comment certainly meant that this couldn’t be some messed up joke.

“Doesn’t have to be premeditated to be murder. Learned that in seventh grade English class.”

“Roman you-”

“I’m going. Bye.”

With that, Roman turned, leaving the room, dragging Virgil behind him. Roman’s parents shouted behind them, only quieting when Roman slammed the door behind him. But Roman didn’t stop there. Instead, he kept marching forward, hand still in a vice like grip around Virgil’s wrist. It hurt a bit.

“Hey Roman,” Virgil said softly, “Can you let go of my wrist?”

Roman’s breath came out in harsh strangled breaths and he looked down at his hand. Noting how hard he was squeezing Virgil, he let go instantly. He continued to stare downward, not moving, even as he continued to wheeze for air. He wasn’t quite hyperventilating yet, breaths seeming to come with more anger than fear. He seemed closer to screaming than panicking. Titania finally moved from her position on his shoulder to wrapping around his neck.

“I can’t-” he started before cutting himself with an angry half growl. His hands came up to pull at his hair. A second late her let go and started marching forward. Virgil just followed, not sure of what else to do, and certainly not about to leave Roman alone during what seemed like a meltdown.

They walked for a while. Roman making angry half growl shouts of frustration without the true release of screaming. Virgil realized he probably wasn’t allowed to scream when he need to either.

Virgil just let him be for the moment. It seemed like he was dealing with enough. Plus- not that Virgil wanted to admit it- but the fact that Roman’s brother had apparently potentially murdered someone was still sort of a shock.

Eventually Roman seemed to come back to himself a little, arms wrapped firmly around him. Virgil was about to say something when he took a sharp left, veering towards a park. Virgil sighed and followed, waiting.

Roman brought them up a small grassy hill, looking down over a playground and basketball court. He slumped forward, elbows on his knees. Titania scrambled off him and up a tree. Roman didn’t seem to notice.

Virgil finally said something.

“Do you… wanna talk about it?” Virgil offered, doing his best to be supportive.

“No. No I do _not_ want to talk about it.”

“Okay.”

“So Remus is a fucking goddamn idiot who straight up killed someone and landed his ass in jail for second degree murder. I dunno if it was or wasn’t premeditated but it was ruled as not but that doesn’t even matter because he killed someone and it was intentional. I don’t really care about the rest. So yeah, he kinda sucks. Awful dude. Worst brother ever. Do not recommend.”

“Oh,” Virgil said. Adva shivered on his shoulder.

“Yeah. Like I said. Siblings suck.”

“I- yeah. Roman I-”

“Okay I’m done. You’re turn to spill family secrets.”

“My mom died three years ago,” Virgil said suddenly. He wasn’t even sure what that had come from.

“Oh. Shit.”

For some reason something loosened in Virgil. He didn’t know why exactly. Maybe it was the setting, maybe it was because Roman had been vulnerable, maybe it was just time, maybe it was because these thoughts just seemed to be accumulating more and more. Virgil didn’t know exactly. But he shared.

“Yeah. She was, she was really amazing you know? She was an incredible mom. She was sweet and she was caring and she was kind. And she was just really good, y’know?” Virgil insisted.

“Yeah.”

“Except,” Virgil voiced. He swallowed. Adva disappeared under the fold of his hood, “Except when she wasn’t.”

“Oh.”

“She used to compare me to people who were Severed. And that was, that was really fucked up, y’know? Like she… You can’t _do_ that. Especially because people who actually are Severed I mean, they’re not _bad people_. They’re just… gone. Lost. That’s being Severed _is_ , it’s not even having a _bad_ soul it’s just having _no_ soul. I don’t think there's such thing as a bad soul it’s just… So yeah. My mom used to think I was Severed. And she’d claim that that made me evil and manipulative and a bad person and unlovable even though that’s not what being Severed _is_. But she- she said a lot of stuff. About me. About Adva. About our Bond. And I think it like… permanently fucked me up. Big time.”

Roman went quiet for a moment, and Virgil fell quiet to. His breath caught in his throat, worried he’d shared too much.

Roman offered out a hand to him, and Virgil took, still tense. Adva crawled down is body to make her way back into his jacket pocket.

“Y’know I was joking when I said it was your turn to share family secrets.”

Virgil _had_ known that. He didn’t know where that came from. He tensed up in apprehension.

“But thanks for trusting me with that. Thanks for sharing.”

Roman turned to look at him with that familiar wide-eyed stare. Virgil smile back as they made eye contact. Roman also give a grin and at the sight Virgil felt his stomach get fuzzy. He blushed softly and pulled his gaze away, hoping Roman hadn’t noticed.

Was this how Ethan felt about Virgil? And then Virgil had gone around and played with his feelings? Just to hide his crush on Roman? Wow Virgil was a jerk, wasn’t he?

Without further warning, Virgil burst into tears.

“Woah, woah, woah, Charlie Frown what’s wrong?” Roman asked desperately.

“I think I screwed things up. Very badly. Really really badly,” Virgil admitted.

“I am sure you didn’t,” Roman insisted, “Let’s just- just tell me what happened and we’ll work through it together?”

Virgil took a shaky breath and nodded.

“I asked out Ethan.”

Roman’s face dropped, though Virgil wasn’t sure why. He hadn’t told him the bad part yet.

“Oh,” Roman said, “Well okay, I don’t get why that’s bad?”

“He turned me down,” Virgil explained.

Roman frowned and shifted to face Virgil better.

“I’m really sorry,” Roman said sincerely. Titania came skittering down a tree and back into his lap.

“No, no, see I don’t like Ethan! Or I did. I think I did. I did have a crush on him. But I don’t anymore. And I didn’t when I asked him out.”

“Oh. Okay,” Roman said. He frowned deeply. “I’m… still not sure I understand what the issue is? Wouldn’t him turning you down be good then? Because you didn’t like him?”

“Ethan likes _me_ ,” Virgil said, “Ethan likes me and I don’t like him and then I asked him out but he knew I didn’t like him so he said no. Which was the right choice obviously because I don’t like him, but I shouldn’t have done that to him. I shouldn’t have put him in that position. God I’m such an asshole I can’t believe I’d-”

“Virgil,” Roman cut in, “Deep breath. It’s okay, we’re going to figure this out.”

Virgil nodded fiercely and breathed in deeply. He held it for a few seconds and then exhaled, tiny pinpricks of tears still at the corners of his eyes.

“Okay,” Roman said, “Okay good. Now- why’d you do it? Why ask him out?”

“I- Well I-” Virgil realized he couldn’t say exactly why he did that because that would mean admitting he had a crush on Roman. Even so, Virgil didn’t think that the crush fully explained anything. The truth of the matter was that, “I panicked. It was- I was feeling negative about myself in regards to a relationship and I didn’t know what to do so I went looking for a way to keep myself safe, not get hurt, and I made a stupid gut decision with no thought put into it and I ended up really hurting someone I care about and I don’t know what to do about it and now it’s an entire fucking mess.”

“Oh. That’s a lot,” Roman said, before falling silent.

“Yeah,” Virgil said miserably. He studied the grass they were sitting on and pulled out one of the wide leaves on a weed. He started breaking it into tiny pieces.

“Well, have you talked to Ethan about it? I mean you’re obviously really sorry. Not that makes it okay, but well you can talk to him about it, apologize, make it up to him. I- I don’t think there’s anything else you can do.”

“I haven’t,” Virgil admitted.

“What?” Roman asked with a frown, “You haven’t… Oh! Oh you mean you haven’t talked to Ethan yet?”

“Yeah. Yeah I haven’t.”

“Well… maybe start there?”

Virgil smiled and took another deep breathe, the weight on him finally starting to lift a bit, relief coming from finally getting his worries off his chest. Roman made things seem so _simple_. Even so, he was _right_ to a degree. Ethan was a good guy and while Virgil had been mean there wasn’t much he could do but start by talking to him about it and trying to mend things.

Virgil looked over at Roman. Roman was smiling softly, and he was playing with the grass, running it through his fingers. He looked up at the sky, eyes trained on the soft rolling clouds. He was beautiful.

“Yeah. Yeah I think I’ll do that,” Virgil managed, fighting back a blush, “Thanks Roman. You’re a really great friend.”

Virgil forced himself to remember that. They were friends. He didn’t want to ruin what he had going with Roman. They were _friends_.

“Of course,” Roman said brightly turning to look at Virgil, “Anything for you Robert Downer Junior.”

Virgil smiled, and- with a clear head- started to get his plans in order. He had things he needed to do. He had people he needed to talk to. Starting with his dad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TW: Unsupportive Parents** (Roman's parents are unsupportive of him and generally rude), **Shaming** (Roman's parents use shaming tactics on him and Virgil), **Murder (mentioned)** (Remus murdered someone and this is briefly discussed), **Unsympathetic Remus (mentioned)** (Remus murdered someone), **Meltdown** (Roman has a meltdown due to overwhelming emotions)
> 
> My tumblr is [thechildoflightning](https://thechildoflightning.tumblr.com/). Feel free to send in asks and prompts, keep updated, and see extra stuff involved with this story.
> 
> ALSO!! I made a post about the main four's daemons, so for anyone wondering about them and their histories and species, you can check out [this](https://thechildoflightning.tumblr.com/post/189818487637/corporeal-essence-daemons) post!


	13. Communicate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Communicate (v)- to give or interchange thoughts, feelings, information, or the like, by writing, speaking, etc.
> 
> Virgil finally talks more with his dad about his mom. He also apologizes to Ethan, and has a surprise conversation with Patton.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **TW: High Anxiety Levels, Bad Parenting, Arguing**  
>  In Depth TW In End Notes

Virgil had been thinking about this for hours now. All the way home from Roman’s. The two hours in his room where he kept saying to himself that he’d start on homework but really sat on his bed thinking about how to start this conversation with his dad. He continued to think about it when his dad came home and his daemon greeted Virgil with a question about his day. Virgil thought through it as he made dinner, and all through eating dinner as well. Now, as his dad was cleaning up, Virgil finally spoke up.

“I don’t think Mom was a good person.”

Virgil’s dad dropped the plate he was holding. It hit the ground hard. The plate stayed mostly intact, but a large shard broke off and shattered into numerous smaller pieces. Virgil felt his heart rate increase. His hands shook and his body was tense. He took a deep breath to steady himself. It didn’t seem to help much.

Virgil’s dad looked down to see Virgil’s bare feet.

“Go put shoes on and then help me clean up this mess,” he instructed, voice barely staying even.

Virgil nodded fiercely and raced out of the room as quickly as possible. He shuffled up to his room, heartbeat echoing in his ears as he closed the door swiftly behind him. He leaned against the door and exhaled loudly.

In. 1, 2, 3, 4.

Hold. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7.

Out. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8.

He brought Adva out of his pocket, looking for some sort of reassurance.

“It’s okay,” she told him, “Virgil, it’s going to be fine.”

“Is it?” Virgil offered weakly back.

Adva hesitated and Virgil’s heart sunk.

“I don’t know,” Adva admitted, “I hope it’s going to be okay. But Virgil, you need to have this conversation.”

“I know.”

She gave him a look and then started to crawl up his arm. She eventually made her home in his hood, scaly spine pressed up against his neck.

Virgil blinked, grabbed his shoes and raced back to the kitchen. His hands continued to shake and a lump had formed in his throat. His body practically vibrated with anxious energy.

“Dad?” Viril asked as he reentered the room, watching his father start to clean up the pieces, “I- I’m-”

“Virgil,” his father cut him off, “Not now.”

“Okay,” he said weakly, and fell silent.

“Why don’t you throw the main plate in the trash, Virgil,” Cozbi offered.

Virgil turned to his father’s daemon. He also seemed upset but his smile was encouraging. Virgil blinked back tears and quickly nodded. It was still a bit of a struggle to breathe. He tried to take another deep breath and hoped his father didn’t notice.

“Breathe,” Adva whispered from behind him “And be careful with the plate. The edge is sharp.”

Virgil got down on the floor next to his father and carefully grabbed the main portion of the plate and carried it to the trash can. He tried to set it down as low as possible, but it still made a thunking noise as it hit the bottom. Virgil winced and his nails dug into his palms.

He hung back to the side after that, as his father finished cleaning up his plate. Neither Cozbi or his dad spoke to him again. Adva slowly climbed out onto his shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” Virgil said immediately when the last shards were thrown away. Adva nodded vigorously on his shoulder in obvious agreement.

His dad gave him a heavy look and then slumped his shoulders with a sigh.

“Virgil, let’s sit down,” he directed.

Virgil’s heart hammered in his chest and he ducked his head in a meek nod. He found his seat quickly at the table, his father just after him. Cozbi left Virgil’s father’s side to set his head on Virgil’s lap. Virgil appreciated the comfort, but didn’t risk petting the daemon, afraid he’d ruin whatever this was.

“Virgil,” his dad hesitated, “Virgil, your mom loved you.”

“I know,” he responded hollowly. Adva slipped back into his hood.

“Then why would you-”

“She- Dad she did awful, inexcusable things. She consistently told me I was unlovable and manipulative and Soulless. Repeatedly. Behind my back _and_ to my face. She loved me and I don’t doubt that but she treated me horribly at times. She treated me like I wasn’t her son, like I wasn’t even a person. She was… She was _mean_. And it hurt me a lot.” The tears started. “She- She said some really awful stuff Dad. And she’s my mom she’s supposed to- mom’s don’t do that. But she did. And I think… I think that really messed me up. Like a lot. And I think we’ve both been ignoring her behavior, even, even justifying it. But that’s- we can’t keep doing that. She was mean. She wasn’t nice to me. She was a bad mom. I’m not going to pretend that the things she did were okay. Not anymore.”

“Virgil-”

But Virgil wasn’t finished.

“She- She never liked that Adva chose a reptilian form and liked it even less that she was a chameleon. And the anxiety gave her an excuse to pick out flaws in our bond when really I was just a shy, anxious, scared kid. A lot of my fear and issues with my bond with Adva probably arose from some of Mom’s harassment in the first place. And she’d call me Soulless and treat it like I was diseased or sick or something. And that’s not… that’s not what Soulless _is_. And it taught me that Soulless people are bad when really they're just… people without souls. A little lost. But they’re not _evil_. And that’s the other thing. Mom genuinely thought I was a bad person. She thought I was manipulative and- Dad I was a _kid_. I was a kid, Dad, and Mom made a lot of mistakes and those things really hurt me and it wasn’t okay. It wasn’t okay.”

It hadn’t been okay. Now of it had. And Virgil was finally admitting it to maybe the one person who could begin to relate. Because Virgil’s dad hadn’t ever agreed with his wife. He had never supported the things she had said about Virgil, and he had gotten berated for that. His father could potentially understand.

“Virgil, I-” his father began.

Virgil’s breathing stuttered. He took a huge gulp and hoped things would be okay. His chest heaved with exertion and tears were streaming down his face. His hands were tightly clenched at his sides.

“VIrgil, can I hug you?” his dad asked.

Virgil fell into his arms.

Virgil’s dad pulled him tight, and Cozbi and Adva both quickly joined in as well. They stayed like that for a while, hugging tightly. Virgil continued to cry, loud, hurt wails. He had never really let himself truly cry over this before.

The cries lead to hyperventilation and his dad rocked him gently and reminded him to breathe. Virgil would heave in a breath and the process would start again. It took a long time for Virgil’s breathing to steady and for the tears to stop, and it took even longer for his dad to let him go.

“It’s- I think about what she used to say about me a lot,” Virgil admitted, voice quiet, still taking a chance at vulnerability because it seemed to be working so far. Adva clung desperately to Cozbi. “I still- I still struggle to see myself as holding value. I second guess my relationships a lot. I doubt my decisions. I- I constantly think I’m being manipulative even though logically I know I’m not I know that I’m- Logan’s had to explain it to me more than a few times-”

“Love that kid.”

“Yeah. Me too. But I’ve even messed things up with him. I mean I made him care about me. I forced him to be my friend. But he has Patton now so I chose to give him some space and stuff so hopefully that will help. But it’s just- I mean this isn’t all Mom’s fault or anything. I’m responsible for my own actions. But at the same time, some of the things she said did have serious lasting effects on me. And I know, I _know_ , she loved me. And I think I love her. I think I want to love her? But I also think maybe I shouldn’t love her? But her love doesn’t make up for what she did.”

Virgil took a deep breath. He still felt a bit unsteady, a ship lost in a vast ocean, but perhaps he wasn’t drifting aimlessly anymore. Maybe he was stranded at sea, but he finally found his north star.

“I think I’d like to do therapy with you Dad. And I think I’d like to talk about Mom.”

“Virgil,” his dad said carefully. And his dad was saying his name a lot. What was with that? “Virgil I get- I- You’re feelings about your mom are understandable. She wasn’t- She- Well she made some… _hurtful_ decision to say the least. I won’t defend that. But therapy? I mean I understand if you still want to go individually, I know it’s helped a lot with your anxiety, but maybe this is something you should talk about with your therapist. I don’t know why I need to get involved.”

That had been Virgil’s exact fear. Virgil’s father had always supported Virgil’s struggles with his mental health. He didn’t always understood, and it took him awhile to respect Virgil’s boundaries, but they got there. Virgil had been afraid that when he proposed his therapy idea, his dad would refuse, still seeing Virgil as the only one having issues, when in reality, Virgil was starting to realize their whole family had issues.

Virgil’s anxiety and poor self worth. His dad’s drinking. Their communication struggles. The memory of Virgil’s mother, hanging over them both.

“Yeah. Therapy has always been for me. About my anxiety. And yeah, I can, I will, and I have started to talk to my therapist about Mom. But I think- I think there’s more. And I think there’s issues we need to address together. There’s more there and it involves us both. I could be wrong. But I would really really appreciate us giving it a try. _Please_ Dad. I think- I think we need this.

Virgil’s father turned to look at him, expression still hesitant. Virgil held steady, and Adva left Cozbi to rejoin Virgil. Cozbi looked at all of them with interest. After a moment, Cozbi shifted his gaze to his human, giving Virgil’s dad a sharp look. The older man’s eyes softened, and he nodded.

“Okay,” he said, “Okay. We can try family therapy. If you think it’ll help you.”

Virgil thought it would help both of them, but his dad has said yes, so Virgil didn’t bother pointing that out. He’d take the win for now.

“Thank you,” Virgil said.

“Of course,” his father agreed. He seemed to hesitate, but then shook his head and continued. “I love you Virgil.”

“I love you too, Dad.”

* * *

Virgil was on a mission to find Ethan. It was something that hadn’t used to be hard, but now that it was getting close to opening in addition to the fact that Ethan was avoiding Virgil, well it made him hard to find.

But Virgil eventually did, and walked rapidly over to join him.

Ethan’s eyes widened when he saw him coming and he desperately looked around. Just as Virgil came into earshot, Ethan pointed at something out of sight and started to rattle off some poorly constructed excuse of somewhere else he needed to be.

“Two minutes,” Virgil said, “Two minutes that’s all I ask.”

Ethan paused. Oto nudged his leg, causing him to look down. He had a stare off with his daemon for a moment before he finally lifted his head. He gave a slight nod. Virgil smiled and gestured to a secluded area before leading the way.

Ethan took a breath and followed.

“First things first,” Virgil said, once they had gained privacy, “I’m really really sorry. I fucked up. I- I shouldn’t of- I did like you for a bit. But you were right about the fact that I didn’t anymore. And I had figured out that you had probably liked me back. Or that there was at least a chance there. I- Well I- It’s not an excuse but I was going through some stuff. And I got scared and tried to look for security. Because of that I asked you out. Which was a huge mistake, because the truth is I think you’re really nice Ethan. You’re funny and you’re a great guy and I think we were becoming friends. And I hurt you. I hurt your feelings and I messed with you.

"And you- you responded so nice and sweet and seemed to care for me, gently redirecting. And I blew up at you. Which was not your fault and totally uncalled for on my part. And I’m genuinely sorry about that. I shouldn’t have asked you out when I knew I didn’t like you and I knew you liked me. And I shouldn’t have gotten mad at you for saying no and your gentle explanation as to why. Truthfully- I didn’t need an explanation. Even if I did like you and you said no, that’s your business. I pressed for an explanation and that wasn’t fair. I’m just- I’m really sorry Ethan. Let me know if there’s anything more I cam do.”

“Okay,” Ethan said after a minute, “Okay. Thanks for apologizing. I think I forgive you.”

Virgil blinked, a bit stunned. It couldn’t be that easy could it? Adva twisted a bit from within his jacket pocket.

“You do?” he asked.

Ethan shrugged and nodded.

“You made a mistake. You apologized. I had a bit of a crush but it’s no big deal. You’re a decent guy Virgil, I forgive you for making a few mistakes.”

“Oh.”

Adva peeked her head out, looking over at Ethan, seemingly just as surprised at how easily that had gone.

“Yeah. I- uh, I should get back soon. With tech next week and then actual opening I’m pretty busy,” Ethan said after a moment, hooking a thumb over his shoulder for emphasis.

“Yeah, okay,” Virgil agreed.

Ethan nodded and turned to leave, but Oto stopped his path, looking back at Virgil. Ethan sighed and quickly turned back around.

“Oh and Virgil?” he said.

“Hmm?”

“You’re not a bad guy. I mean yeah, you made some mistakes this time. But I think- I think sometimes you believe you’re genuinely not a good person and I- Well you are Virgil. You are a good person. Really.”

Virgil was stunned for a moment. Ethan had never been a very forthcoming person and to hear such high praise from him… well it was surprising.

“Oh. Thanks.”

Ethan nodded, and was gone.

Virgil took a breath and followed him back into the scramble of preparing for opening night. He turned the corner and immediately ran into someone else.

“Virgil!” Patton said. Glinda trailed behind him. “Just the person I was looking for.” He smiled. “Can we talk for a minute?”

“Uh sure?”

“Cool!” Patton said, and then led Virgil back to the spot he had been to just moments before while talking to Ethan.

“Are you okay?” Patton asked.

“Uh yeah?” Virgil said with a soft frown. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“You haven’t been talking to Logan recently,” Patton responded. He shrugged softly. “And I know it isn’t super my business so you don’t need to tell me everything or anything like that. I just know he obviously misses you and is a bit hurt. And so I assumed that you probably felt the same thing. And I mean- Logan’s my boyfriend but you’re my friend so I thought I’d just checking in and see how you’re doing. I don’t want you to be upset.”

Logan was hurt? Why was Logan hurt? Virgil had done this whole thing so Logan didn’t have to continue holding on to Virgil for forever. Maybe he was feeling guilty? But it had been Virgil who had pulled away.

Virgil had done all of this so he could be happy. Why on earth would he be upset?

“Soooo…” Patton drawled. Virgil snapped back to the present. “How are you?”

“I’m fine,” Virgil responded immediately, “what do you mean Logan’s hurt? And he misses me?”

Virgil may have stopped hanging out with Logan, but he still cared about him.

“Well yeah,” Patton said with a frown, “Of course he’s hurt? Of course he misses you? You haven’t been talking much for over two weeks and you keep canceling more and more plans? I mean I don’t know what you fought about- and again none of my business- but-”

“Patton we didn’t fight,” Virgil said. Maybe if he clarified they could clear up some of the confusion. Why was Logan hurt?

“You didn’t?” Patton asked, “Then why aren’t the two of you talking?”

Virgil didn’t know quite how to explain how he was just dragging Logan down and that Logan was better off without him.

“I- Well- Logan has you now Patton.”

Patton was so much better than Virgil. Logan didn’t need Virgil if he had Patton now. It is for the better. Logan probably only became friends with Virgil out of necessity in the first place.

“Well yeah.” Patton then frowned. “Wait have you been ignoring Logan because of me? Do you not like that we’re dating?”

“No, no, no,” Virgil said frantically, because that wasn’t it at all, couldn’t Patton see that? It wasn’t Patton or Logan, it was _Virgil_. “No. You guys are great together.”

“Okay. Well then why aren’t you talking to Logan?”

“Well he doesn’t need me anymore. So I pulled away, stop talking to him as much. I mean he was only friends with me in the first place because Samson made him be my friend,” Virgil explained. He spoke flatly, because hopefully it would hurt less that way.

“What?”

“We met in middle school,” Virgil clarified, “Logan sat in front of me in one of our classes. Samson would always turn around to talk with me and Adva. Samson made Logan start talking to us. It’s- look Logan had to. Samson made him.”

Samson got them taking, made them friends. Then Virgil continued to be his friend, making Logan stuck with him.

“I don’t- Virgil- Samson is a daemon. He represents Logan’s soul. I really doubt he could of forced Logan to care about you. It’s- that’s not how it works.”

“Oh I don’t think Samson forced Logan to care about me. I don’t think Logan’s ever cared about me.”

Or at least, not really. Logan might have thought he cared about Virgil, but that was only because Virgil was his only friend. Now that Logan had Patton, things would be better.Virgil only weighed him down.

“What?” Patton asked. He took a step back, face morphing as he became visibly upset, “Virgil how could you say that, of course Logan cares about you.”

“Prove it.”

“Prove it?” Patton repeated, “Prove it?” Are you serious right now?” Patton’s voice started to take a bit of an edge to it.

Virgil followed his lead, words biting back with a harsher tone.

“Yeah. Yeah prove it. Logan doesn’t care about me. If he really cared he’d be right here fixing things. Instead he’s sending you and not even talking to me-”

“You’re ignoring him!” Patton said, “And you’re being totally unfair Virgil. Of course Logan cares, he shows it all the time. He learned about fish and the ocean and tide pools for you Virgil. He told me all about it. You go over to his house every day, you’re a part of his routine. He’s not here right now because he doesn’t know what to do but he’s trying to respect your space. You cut him off with no explanation and he’s really confused right now because you won’t talk to him but he’s not pushing because he respects you. And he’s fighting himself every day because he doesn’t know what to do because you won’t give him anything to go off of. Of course he cares about you Virgil. He- spend literally one minute with him and you’ll know how much he cares about you. He lets you touch his daemon Virgil. You can’t-” Patton cut off abruptly. He breathed in and Glinda nudged against him. He leaned down to pick her up, which couldn’t be an easy feat. He held onto her tightly.

“It’s not my place,” Patton repeated, “But I know Logan’s hurt. I think you might be too? I don’t know. I don’t know why you’re doing this. I’m- maybe you’re hurting too. I don’t know. It’s not my place. But maybe just- consider talking to him? He misses you.”

Virgil didn’t say anything.

“Oh- and Virgil? He uh- He told me about when you guys met. I just- I think it’s pretty unfair to say that Samson made him do anything.”

Virgil didn’t say anything as he watched Patton leave.

 _“I’m glad we’re friends,” Logan said abruptly, cutting into the middle of Virgil’s sentence._ There interruptions were something Virgil was getting used to, and had stopped taking offense to. Logan seemed to realize what he did immediately.

“Oh sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt you. I was listening. I just thought about that.”

“It’s okay,” Virgil said with a shrug, and he continued talking.

But later, he revisited Logan’s topic.

“Earlier,” Virgil started, leaning against Logan’s bed, “Earlier you said you were glad we were friends.”

“Yeah,” Logan agreed, “I’m not very good at making friends.”

“Well I’m glad you’re my friend too.”

“Really?” Logan perked up. He shook one of his hands a few times and then gently started to whack his hand against his chest. Virgil tried not to stare too obviously, still getting used to Logan’s movements and repetitions. Stims, he had called them, and they weren’t always motions but Virgil was really only good at recognizing the ones that were motions. And the humming. That was a stim too.

“I’m glad,” Logan repeated, “I- Well- I wanted to talk to you because you seemed nice but I’m not very good at talking to people sometimes. But I really wanted to talk to you. But I didn’t. So I think that’s maybe why Samson chose to talk to you. I’m not that great at communicating sometimes. I think he was just trying to do it for me.”

Virgil looked over to the large bird. He was currently sleeping on Logan’s desk, a stark contrast to his usual energy.

“Oh. I thought-” Virgil shook his head.

“What?” Logan asked.. The hand that thumped at his chest stilled.

“I mean I know you like me.” Or so Logan had said. But did he really? Virgil didn’t know. He thought it unlikely though, most people didn’t like Virgil, and- according to his mom- no one could love him either. “But I thought maybe Samson had sort of convinced you to like me.”

“Oh, no,” Logan said, “We peer edited papers towards the beginning of the school year. We were in a group together. You were nice. I mean you stared at my aid in the class with me a bit at first, but everyone does that. But you talked to me like I was a person and were actually nice I think. Though sometimes I’m bad at telling that. I wanted to talk to you again, but I didn’t know how to. My theory is that bled over onto Samson and then he got frustrated with me and started pestering you,” Logan said it all so casually as if this wasn’t something completely new to Virgil.

“Oh!” Logan said abruptly, “And speaking of, I started to read this new book about daemon theory and about the disconnections between people and their daemons. Because everything's always about how we’re the same, right? How we share a soul with our daemon? But we’ve seen daemons make their own choices and have their own thoughts and feelings. So this book is all about where those disconnects happen, where daemons actually separate from their humans. Fascinating, right?”

_Virgil could only nod, a soft smile on his face as Logan rambled, and he felt more secure and safer than he ever had before._

Virgil realized he had one more person he needed to talk to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **In Depth TW: High Anxiety Levels** (Virgil experiences heightened anxiety which appears in his thoughts and actions), **Bad Parenting** (Virgil's mom has very clearly hurt her son through past actions and words), **Arguing** (Virgil and Patton get into a slight verbal argument)
> 
> My tumblr is [thechildoflightning](https://thechildoflightning.tumblr.com/). Feel free to send in asks and prompts, keep updated, and see extra stuff involved with this story.


	14. Stop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stop (n)- a cessation of movement or operation.
> 
> Virgil takes a test. Logan has a meltdown. They don't get to talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> English: "words"  
> ASL: _"words"_
> 
> ASL sentences are in a mix of ASL grammar (Logan), English grammar (Virgil), and lacking grammar completely (Logan). Character's vary grammar structure based on how they learned the language and how they're able to communicate in the moment.
> 
>  
> 
> **TW: Anxiety, Ableism, Meltdown, Self-Injurious Stimming, Consent Issues**

Virgil entered his English class, heart pounding. Which was stupid. His heart shouldn’t be pounding. He shouldn’t be this anxious about a stupid test. Sure, he hadn’t studied (he never studied until finals and then he was scraping stuff together hoping to pass physics), but he knew the material. English was by far his best class. Art would probably be his first, but he always ended up doing things that were too personal and didn’t want to show his teacher and so he would neglect to turn them in at all. As a result, English was his best class.

He understood English. He got English. He liked his teacher.

Virgil was still freaking out. He always did during tests.

He sat in his usual seat, leg bouncing. Adva was curled up in his jacket pocket, not talking to him. He had snapped at her that morning and he still felt a bit bad about that, but was too anxious to apologize right now.

Instead he worried his lip, picked at the skin surrounding his fingers, and continued to bounce his leg. Just as the bell was ringing, his teacher came up to his desk. She leaned down slightly, enough to make the conversation unheard by the rest of the chattering students, but not enough to single Virgil out.

“You can go,” she murmured, “Your test is already set up in the normal spot.”

Virgil nodded swiftly, stood up with his things quickly, and made a beeline for the door. He muttered a quick ‘thanks’ behind him.

He took a breath when the English classroom door shut behind him. When that seemed to help a little bit, he took another. He took one more, and then took a lap around the center of campus.

Feeling a little bit better, he set off for the class he usually did alternative testing in. Logan’s English class, his mind supplied.

There was a tiny bit of guilt that came with that, because he still hadn’t talked to Logan, but mostly relief because Logan was familiar.

He took another breath outside the classroom door than carefully opened it, trying not to disrupt the class.

He entered quietly, looking around for the teacher. She was at the board, talking about something, her daemon- a small western harvest mouse- settled on her shoulder. She caught Virgil’s eyes and gestured to the aid in the back. He nodded, but before turning to the aid, he searched for Logan in the classroom.

It wasn’t hard. There wasn’t assigned seating in this class, but Logan always sat in the same spot. Always. He hadn’t turned to look, nor did he seem to notice Virgil, but Virgil certainly noticed him. Logan was very clearly not paying attention to the teacher, chewing on a stim necklace and reading his own book instead. Samson was settled on Logan’s head, head down as he nested in Logan’s hair.

Virgil smiled at the sight, and turned to the aid. When he talked to Logan later and got everything sorted out, he’d have to ask what his new book was about.

But for now, Virgil had a test to take. The aid frowned at him, and Virgil sighed, instantly recognizing her as the aid Logan had for about three months in eighth grade before getting a new one. She seemed like a nice person, sure, just not equipped to be handling special education students at all.

“I’m here to take an English test?” Virgil said, “Virgil Torres?”

“Right,” she nodded, “back room.”

Virgil nodded, none of this unusual. This was his normal set-up for tests. Didn’t mean he wasn’t incredibly anxious anyways.

Following the aid to the back office, he took a few steps off course to rap twice against Logan’s desk. It was an instinct now, something Virgil’s always did when he came in for testing, and something that always made Logan smile.

But this time, Logan just looked up from his book, gave Virgil an unreadable expression, and turned away. No smile. Sammy didn’t even pick his head up from where it was buried in Logan’s head.

Something in Virgil pounded harder, and he gulped. His heart pounded again. He really fucked up didn’t he?

The aid let him in the room, and he sat down to take his test.

His anxious energy had now returned ten-fold and he bounced his leg and tapped his pencil as he read through the questions. He answered the first ten until he started to read the same lines over and over again.

He took a breath.

He hadn’t noticed how much he needed that.

He stood up. A quick break would help. Lap around campus, 4-7-8 the whole time. Maybe two laps. Then return when he was ready.

He slipped out of the office, making a beeline for the door.

He was stopped by the aid.

“Did you finish your test?”

“No,” Virgil said, “I’m just taking a break.”

She frowned at him. “You need to finish your test, you can’t just leave.”

“I- my IEP. I’m allowed to take breaks as needed.”

Otherwise Virgil would just sit there, slowly breaking down and not finish the test at all. The breaks allowed Virgil an opportunity to get out of his head and calm down before returning.

“You could cheat, you need to stay here.”

“I- I’m supposed to get breaks. You can check my IEP. If you’re worried about cheating you can watch me and take my phone. But I get breaks.”

“I don’t think that’s a thing.”

Virgil was about to argue again, when a new voice jumped in.

“Virgil gets breaks as needed. He can leave the classroom as many times as he needs. If the test is timed, time is paused during breaks. Breaks are as long as he needs them to be. You don’t get to restrict that beyond reasonable things as in holding his phone. It’s in his IEP, he has the legal right to that accommodation, as well as others,” Logan told her.

“Logan?” the teacher at the front asked, finally noticing what was going on in the back of her class, “Virgil? Everything alright?”

“Yeah,” Virgil said, “Yeah. I’m just- I was just going to go outside. Take a break.”

“Okay, go ahead.”

Virgil nodded, ignored the aid, and left the room.

He took three laps.

When he returned he wiped his sweaty palms on his pants and looked back down at the test. This time he only had to read the question one time before he was able to answer it.

He took another break close to the end when once more his mind started racing too much to focus on the words beneath him. The aid didn’t bother him on his way out, nor did Logan acknowledge him, but Virgil noticed the watchful gaze of Samson on his back. But it didn’t seem like a bad thing, more like… protection.

Virgil took one lap that time.

He finished his test, handed it to the teacher (who had finished lecturing and was sitting at her desk). She smiled and thanked him. He nodded and bounced his leg, making no move to leave.

“Are you supposed to go back to class?” she asked.

Virgil shrugged, “Dunno. She didn’t say.” His leg continued to bounce and he picked at his nails.

She nodded, then looked up at the clock. A bit less than fifteen minutes left until class was over.

“There’s not much time left on class, would you like to stay here?” she asked.

“Can I?” Virgil asked, breathing out a gust of withheld air.

“Yeah. It’s no problem.”

Virgil nodded, and took a seat in the corner, at the far side away from the aid. He went on the phone for the rest of the class period, attention only being pulled away for a second when she moved over to talk to Logan for a minute.

“Logan,” she said, “Can you please do your worksheet? You told me you’d start on it.”

Logan didn’t respond at all.

“Logan?”

No response.

“Logan, is something going on right now?”

Logan didn’t respond once more, but Samson seemed to sink further down in his hair. Virgil pretended to not listen even as he bit at his lip. Adva even clamored out of his pocket and halfway up his chest to figure out what was going on.

“Okay. I’m going to leave you alone for now Logan, but when you’re ready I’d appreciate it if you came and talked to me. I’m not quite sure what’s going on right now, and I’d like for us to communicate more fully when you can. Does that sound okay?”

“Yes, thank you,” Logan finally said, never turning away from his book.

She nodded, and let him be. Before she turned around, Virgil went back to his phone, pretending he hadn’t been paying attention. It turned out to be a good thing too, because instead of returning to her desk, the teacher approached Virgil.

“Virgil?” she asked, “Can we talk for a moment outside?”

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

“Uh, yeah, sure,” Virgil stumbled, hastily getting to his feet and making his way just outside the classroom. Adva climbed back into his pocket.

“Virgil,” she said as they got inside, “You’re not in trouble, this isn’t a bad thing, it’s okay.”

Virgil nodded, and didn’t relax in the slightest. On contrast, Adva climbed out of his pocket once more and back up Virgil’s chest. She worked her way up to his shoulder and rubbed against his neck. Virgil took this as her forgiving him for earlier.

“I… It’s just… are you and Logan doing okay?” the teacher asked.

How did she know about that? Had Logan said something? But then why had she asked him? How did she know that something was wrong? Was she mad at Virgil? She should be mad at Virgil. She was md at Virgil, wasn’t she?

“I-” Virgil said, but stopped. His answer had to be clear enough. Adva let out a tiny sigh.

“Okay, that’s what I thought, what happened? I’m sorry- I didn’t notice very quickly because I was lecturing, but the two of you couldn’t have been talking that long?” the teacher remarked.

“What?”

She frowned at him, and her mouse daemon scurried down her arm.

“Just now,” she said, “When you were talking?”

“Oh, oh, we weren't talking,” Virgil explained, “The aid didn’t want me to take a break, Logan backed up my IEP.”

“Oh,” she said, “My apologies, I misunderstood,” she hesitated, “But wait- something did happen?”

“Yeah,” Virgil admitted. He looked down, and let his foot scuff against the floor, “Yeah I was kind of a jerk.”

“Virgil,” she said softly.

“No, no I was. You can’t say I wasn’t. You don’t know what happened.”

She didn’t. She didn’t know about how Virgil had been slowly drawing away from Logan because he thought Logan was better off without him. She didn’t know that Logan had always been a great friend, that Virgil was the issue. She had no idea how awful of a person Virgil could be, and he wasn’t about to tell her for her.

But- wait. No. Virgil wasn’t awful.

He wasn’t. His therapist- his therapist said he should work on that, the guilt, the shame. Virgil- he wasn’t bad. He wasn’t. He made a mistake. He’d fix it.

(He wasn’t quite sure if he believed himself yet, but he was trying. He was finally, finally trying).

“Okay,” she relented, “You’re right. Virgil, I care about you. You and Logan seem like really good friends. I’m sure it can work itself out, alright?”

Virgil nodded weakly, wondering why his eyes suddenly felt wet. She moved to turn back to the classroom.

“Um,” Virgil said first. She paused. “Uh- how did you know something was wrong? I mean- how did- it’s-”

“Logan not doing his work isn’t unusual. Logan getting overwhelmed isn’t unusual. Logan struggling to communicate at times isn’t unusual. But Logan _promising_ me to do his work and then _breaking_ his promise? That’s unusual. Logan doesn’t make promises he can’t keep. Logan doesn’t break promises. I’m sure you know that.”

Virgil nodded, because he did. And Logan had promised he loved Virgil. Maybe Virgil just needed to believe him.

Logan did love him, didn’t he? It was just Virgil’s constant self-deprecation getting in the way. God he was such a mistake. Adva hissed lightly, almost seeming to sense his spiraling thoughts.

No. He’d _made_ a mistake. He was trying. It was okay.

“Yeah,” he said, “Yeah no, he doesn’t break his promises.”

They went back inside. The bell rang just a few seconds later.

It was lunch now, and leaving the class towards the tables in the center of campus was made awkward by the fact that Virgil and Logan were going to the exact same location, but weren’t walking together. Virgil just couldn’t work up the courage to do it. Logan probably wouldn’t mind, right? Sure things were awkward between them right now and Virgil did really need to talk to him, but it wasn’t like he’d been ignoring Logan completely.

He just… hadn’t really been alone with Logan for at least a week.

It would be weird to suddenly be interacting with him again, right?

Plus, Logan already seemed very overwhelmed, and Virgil was likely to just make it worse. Right?

Virgil didn’t know if he was right, but before he could debate it further, Logan had already been swept into the flow of traffic, headphones firm over his ears, Samson riding on top. Virgil sighed, and let him go. He’d see him at lunch.

Virgil arrived at their usual spot last. Roman was already rambling about something loudly to Patton. He gestured widely, and bounced in place a bit. Titania seemed to agree with the movement, as she herself raced across Logan, never staying in one place for long. Patton was smiling at him- Glinda in his lap- as they both nodded encouragingly at him every once in a while, even as he shot concerned glances to his side every second or so.

The receiver of the concerned glances was Logan. He was sitting next to Patton, but not touching. His headphones were still over his ears. His legs were pulled firmly up to his chest and his arms wrapped around them to hold the book he had been reading in front of him. He continued to chew on his stim necklace, his face scrunching up whenever Roman raised his voice.

Samson was also noticeably missing, and when Virgil looked around he found him far above on the roof of the closest building.

Virgil sat down with them, shucking his backpack off and to the side. Keeping a careful gaze on Samson. Adva did as well, actually scrambling up Virgil’s head to get a better view.

“Hi,” Patton greeted.

“Virgil!” Roman said, with that same blinding grin that made Virgil’s heart do flip flops, “Virgil we’re doing monologues in drama!”

Virgil couldn’t help but return the smile. He pushed his worry for Logan aside, giving him space, for now. Sometimes that was all Logan needed, and until he indicated otherwise, Virgil would let him be.

Virgil turned back to Roman, his smile still present. Probably the first time he had smiled that day. It was odd how Roman could so easily make Virgil happy, even when he was worried. Roman didn’t erase Virgil’s worries, but he did add happiness and joy, which was something Virgil loved.

“Yeah?” Virgil said, “Monologues?”

Roman nodded fiercely, and started to tell Virgil everything about his class’s newest project. In return, Virgil listened intently, making sure to give Roman reassurances he was interested whenever Roman looked like he thought he was maybe boring Virgil. It was 100% worth it, because each time a spark of energy and life returned to Roman. It set butterflies alight in Virgil’s stomach- for once not the bad kind.

But Roman was also loud, and eventually a repeated gesture from Logan caught Virgil’s attention.

Logan now held his book with only his left hand. His right was tapping his knee, in a chopping motion. It could be a stim, but it looked like…

“One second Roman. I want to hear- I promise- just give me a minute,” Virgil cut in, and then turned to Logan, “Logan. Are you signing ‘stop?’”

Logan didn’t respond and instead just kept making the motion.

“ _Logan_?” Virgil asked, “ _You sign stop?_ ”

Logan’s hand faltered.

“ _Stop. Yes. Stop. Need._ ”

“ _Stop what_?” Virgil asked.

Logan made a noise of frustration and began to just tap his right hand on his knee. Most certainly a stim this time, not a sign. After a second, he returned to signing ‘stop’ on repeat.

“ _Logan, you need what_?”

“ _Stop. Need stop_.”

“ _What you need stop?_ ”

“ _Stop. Stop. Please.”_

“ _O-k. O-k. We o-k. Stop I don't know what. I guess?_ ”

Logan clenched the one hand he was holding his book with even harder, scrunching the pages beneath it. With the other he continued to sign.

“ _Yes. Stop. Please._ ”

“ _Okay. Need stop people? Lights? Touch? Noise? Which?_ ”

“ _Yes?_ ”

“ _Yes, which?_ ”

“ _All. Yes, yes. Stop. Need stop._ ”

All. Well Virgil couldn’t stop everything. He’d do his absolute best to help Logan, but at this moment he wasn’t quite sure how to meet that. To help him, Virgil had to know what he needed, and this time Virgil didn’t understand what that was besides Logan needing it to ‘stop.’

“ _I try. I try. I need understand first. How can help you?_ ”

“ _Need stop. Stop. Stop. Stop_ ,” Logan signed, increasingly frantic as his chest heaved in desperate breaths.

“ _Breathe. You need breathe. In, in, in. Hold, hold, hold. Release, release, release._ ”

Logan struggled to do the same, doing his best to copy Virgil’s own breaths. Which, honestly, probably wasn’t a great example to be going off of. Virgil was trying to stay calm himself and help Logan but he already wasn't having the best day himself, and his own shaky breaths were testament to that.

Logan’s breath faltered and he let out a screech. He chucked his book away from him and tears began to stream down his face. He started rocking, slowly and then faster. As his rocking increased, he leaned back hard enough to hit the wall behind him. Once he did it the first time, he continued to do it, slamming harder and harder into the wall behind him. Virgil winced at the action.

Patton himself was looking quite alarmed and seemingly frozen, not sure what to do. Logan slammed himself against the wall again and Patton let out a small gasp, looking at Virgil for direction.

“Okay. Okay, Pat, can you just move away for a second and just, can you and Roman keep people away yeah? Logan’s probably going to-”

Just then Logan started screaming loudly, drawing attention from nearby students.

“-start screaming soon,” he finished, “Can you just- keep people away?”

Patton stayed frozen, but Roman nodded, pulling Patton with him.

“ _Logan. Logan, You hurt yourself. Not good for you. I know s-t-i-m important right now. But hurt isn't good, create pain, injury. Can we do different s-t-i-m?_ ”

Logan gave no response and slammed his back harshly into the wall again, his head dangerously close to banging into the wall as well. Virgil sighed, squeezed his eyes shut for a millisecond, and made his decision. It was not a decision he wanted to make, but Logan’s safety came first.

He tried one more time.

“ _Logan, you hurt yourself. Can we change s-t-i-m become no hurt?_ ”

Logan didn’t respond once more. He continued to slam his back harshly into the wall.

Fuck. Logan was not going to like this. Virgil did not like this.

“ _Logan, touch I do. I need touch you. I have stop you hurt yourself. Okay. I sorry. I touch you. Okay? Understand?_ ”

Logan just continued to sign ‘stop.’ Virgil didn’t know if he was in response to his own words or not. Virgil moved, breath settling harshly in his throat as he sat next to Logan.

“ _I touch you now,_ ” he informed before settling one hand behind Logan’s back and one at his head.

The next time Logan rocked back, Virgil caught him, just at the point so Logan could stim with the motion as much as possible without yet hitting the wall. At the touch Logan let out an absolutely miserable screech that had Virgil feeling terrible. But he shoved that down for now. Logan, how he was feeling, and his safety were the most important things right now.

“It’s going to be okay,” Virgil said, “Logan. It’s alright, it’s going to be okay. You’re okay, you’re okay. Let it out. It’s okay.” Virgil started to cry, soft tears slipping down his cheeks. He hated seeing Logan this upset and needing to rely on stims that could be dangerous to him. Virgil hated himself for stopping Logan from performing the stim when Virgil hadn’t gotten permission to touch him first. But they could figure that out later. For now, Logan’s safety came first.

Logan screeched and rocked for a while, and every time he collided with Virgil’s hands he’d yell louder. Each time it happened, Virgil felt a wave of guilt flood through him. At one point he tried to use his hoodie, to see if that could be a better alternative, but it was hard to hold it in place where it would give enough cushion while also watching Logan’s head, so Virgil quickly gave that idea up.

Patton and Roman seemed worried, but they did their best to keep people away.

That was the good and bad thing about people knowing Logan was autistic. On one hand, numerous kids stared openly and a few laughed, on the other hand most of them just seemed to think it was a sped kid freaking out and weren’t actually alarmed about the screaming. The kids and their reactions sucked and they were all ableist assholes, but at least it meant they didn’t have mass hysteria on their hands. Virgil would have to take that small victory even as he hated the group that was currently laughing at his best friend.

(Were they still best friends)?

Virgil shook himself, it wasn’t the time for that. Logan was what was important right now.

Virgil’s thoughts continued to ramble- only breaking when Logan stopped screaming. He fell quiet, and soon after stopped rocking. Virgil pulled his hands away immediately.

Logan then began to cry, harsh and heavy. He curled into a ball, face buried into his knees.

Seconds later a figure approached them. Virgil was about to snap at them to back off when he realized it was Logan’s English teacher. He vaguely realized that the rest of the crowd had disappeared.

“Hey,” she said, “The two of you alright?”

Face still buried, Logan lifted a hand to sign.

“ _No. Quiet room want go. Then home want go. Yes question mark_.”

“Yeah, yeah Logan, we can do that. If you get up we can go to the quiet room right now. Can you get up?”

Logan stood up shakily, eyes trained at the ground. Samson- who Virgil had genuinely forgotten about, swooped down closer to Logan. He didn’t actually land on him, instead circling close overhead. The teacher led him away, and Virgil watched them go. Guess the talk would have to wait.

Patton and Roman rejoined him an instant later.

“Is Logan okay?” Patton demanded. Virgil noted he was carrying Logan’s book. Virgil brushed the last of his own tears away and then took a breath before responding.

“Not really, but he will be.”

“I’m so sorry,” Patton said, “I didn’t- I didn’t know how to help I-”

“Pat it’s okay. You’ve only known Logan for a little bit, you’re doing great. I- It’s been a while since he’s had a meltdown that bad. Sometimes there isn’t a lot you can do in the first place.”

“That was a meltdown?” Roman asked, “Wait- I’ve never done that.”

The minute Roman made the comment, he seemed to regret it, quickly looking towards Patton with fear in his eyes. Titania seemed to have a similar reaction, racing up Roman’s leg to hide behind his back and peer over his shoulder. Luckily enough, Patton seemed otherwise preoccupied and neither him nor Glinda acknowledged the unusual phrasing.

“Well, yeah, I mean- meltdowns an autistic thing right? When Logan gets overwhelmed?”

The comment caused Roman to shift on his feet slightly and tap his leg.

“Yeah,” Virgil answered, “But there’s all sorts of ways meltdowns can appear. It’s- sometimes there are little to no visible signs of one. I think- if you asked Logan to talk about his experiences with meltdowns at another time, I bet he’d be willing to share. I- where did everyone go?” Virgil asked suddenly, looking around at the empty school.

“The bell rang like ten minutes ago,” Roman informed him.

“Oh. Okay. Well I- uh I’m going to go to class then.”

The other two said nothing.

“RIght, yeah,” Patton said after a moment, “Sounds like a plan,” he paused, then his eyes widened, “Oh! Darn, I have a test, are you two good?”

Roman and Virgil nodded.

“Okay, okay I’m going to go. I- do you think it’s okay if I text Logan later?” He looked to Virgil with his last sentence.

“Yeah,” Virgil said, “Yeah I think he’d like that- but, uh he might not respond.”

“Oh that’s okay,” Patton replied, “I just want him to know I’m here if he wants or needs me.”

Virgil smiled at the comment. Patton was pretty great. And with that, Patton said quick goodbye’s and was rushing away to his class, Glinda hurrying to keep up behind him.

“Are you alright?” Roman asked, once they were both standing alone.

“Me?” Virgil asked, “Yeah I’m good. Bit worried about Lo, but he’ll be fine.”

“Oh, I meant before. You seemed anxious earlier? At the beginning of lunch. I- I didn’t notice at first and- but I think you were?”

Virgil shifted on his feet.

 

“Yeah, he was,” Adva answered for him, apparently deciding to answer for him. Roman’s gaze instantly shot to his daemon. Virgil sighed, and caved.

“Yeah, I had a test today, I dunno I know I’m going to do fine, they just… I just worry about them.”

“Why? I mean if you know you’re going to do fine on them why worry?”

Virgil hesitated and thought about how to reply for a second.

“I don’t mean to worry,” Virgil explained, “I just do. I have an anxiety disorder. Sometimes my worries make sense but are just increased. Sometimes I worry about nothing. Sometimes other things are going on and it makes me more likely to worry about things. I- I worry a lot. I don’t mean to and I have coping skills and stuff. But I’m still anxious. Like all the time. Tests are just one of those things that make me worry a lot.”

“Oh,” Roman said.

“Yeah.”

Roman drummed his fingers against his leg.

“I- That’s not great.”

Virgil let out a short laugh.

“Yeah it sorta sucks.”

“Well, if you ever wanna talk about it- I, you can talk to me?” Roman offered “I mean if you want, you don’t have to,” he hurried to tack on.

Virgil’s entire flooded with warmth and he remembered again why he had this stupid crush on Roman in the first place.

“Yeah. I- thanks Roman. That means a lot.”

“You’re welcome.”

They stood in silence for a minute

“You’re a great friend Virgil,” Roman said abruptly. And then, “I need to get to class. I’ll text you later. Bye.”

Roman disappeared, leaving Virgil with a blush stretched across his cheeks.

Virgil spent the rest of the day worrying about Logan and daydreaming about Roman. It was the longest school day of his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TW: Anxiety** (Virgil experiences heightened levels of anxiety), **Ableism** (A staff questions/challenges Virgil's school accommodations. Numerous students openly gawk at Logan when he has a meltdown, some laugh, some stare, and their are references to the belief that it is a 'sped kid freaking out.' Patton makes an offhand comment about meltdowns being an autistic thing and so Roman wouldn't experience them do the fact that he isn't aware Roman is autistic), **Meltdown** (Logan has a meltdown that includes screaming, self-injurious behavior, and struggling to communicate), **Self-Injurious Stimming** (Logan slams his back against a wall numerous times during a meltdown), **Consent Issues** (Virgil stops Logan's self-injurious stim without getting consent from Logan to touch him. He catches Logan's back and head when he is in danger of hitting them again a wall and does not otherwise touch him. He immediately lets go of Logan when he is no longer in danger of hurting himself)
> 
> My tumblr is [thechildoflightning](https://thechildoflightning.tumblr.com/). Feel free to send in asks, keep updated, and see extra stuff involved with this story.


	15. Fort

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fort (n)- a strong or fortified place occupied by troops and usually surrounded by walls, ditches, and other defensive works; a fortress; fortification.
> 
> Roman infodumps. Virgil and Logan have a talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> English: "words"  
> ASL: _"words"_
> 
> ASL sentences are in a mix of mixed English and ASL grammar (Virgil and Logan). Virgil tends to use more PSE (mixed) grammar, and Logan usually code switches to whoever's signing with him, though his default is usually more ASL grammar.
> 
>  
> 
>  **TW: Unhealthy Relationship (past), Threats**  
>  In Depth TW In End Notes

The minute the final bell rang, Virgil pulled out his phone, hoping that Logan had responded. Virgil had texted him earlier, asking if he could come over after school. Virgil usually went over to Logan’s house, but he hadn’t been doing that as of late. In addition, Logan had gone home early due to his meltdown. Virgil didn’t want to mess with Logan’s routine anymore than he’d already had, so he’d asked instead.

Logan hadn’t responded.

Virgil breathed out a shaky breath.

That was fine. That was okay.

Virgil’s mind was already spiraling, trying to tell him that this was all his fault, that of course Logan didn’t want to talk to him. After all he was just a continual fuck up and-

And Virgil needed to stop.

He wasn’t- he wasn’t those things.

Logan wasn’t texting him back. That was okay. He could be overwhelmed still. He might not have the energy to text back. He might even have it silenced completely, he’d never been fond of his ringer and even the vibrate could be too much sometimes.

He also could be mad at Virgil. Virgil hadn’t been a very good friend. He’d stopped talking to Logan, stopped interacting with him. Virgil had pulled away and Logan had a right to be upset about that. Virgil had done a bad thing, but that didn’t mean he was a bad person. He made a mistake and he was doing his best to rectify it.

For now that’s all he could do. He just had to wait for Logan to text back.

“Virgil? You okay?” a voice asked.

Virgil jumped in surprise, whipping around to face Roman. Adva hid under his hood, peering cautiously out.

“Sorry,” he said sheepishly, “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“You didn’t,” Adva defended, from where she was still hiding.

“I- uh it’s fine,” Virgil added on.

“You’re at play practice?”

“Well yeah,” Virgil said, “I mean we have a show to put on right?” Virgil fumbled for words. “Show must go on? I think that’s a saying.”

Now he was making an idiot of himself in front of Roman. Great.

“Well yeah,” Roman said, “But- Well I just thought you’d probably skip to go home to Logan’s.”

“I was,” Virgil said, “But he hasn’t texted me back saying it’s okay first. So I’m waiting.”

“Oh,” Roman said, he then brightened suddenly, “Did you know the phrase ‘the show must go on’ originated in the 19th century?”

“I did not,” Virgil admitted.

“Uh, yeah,” Roman said. He then hesitated. His fingers rubbed his pant leg. “Yeah.”

Virgil smiled.

“So 19th century huh? Tell me more?” he asked.

The rubbing stopped. Titania sat stock still on Roman’s shoulder, a stark contrast to how she usually scuttled around.

“Are you sure? I tend to talk a lot. And then I get really excited and passionate and it tends to- well I know that I can be annoying.”

“I don’t find your infodumping annoying,” Virgil promised.

“I- _that’s_ infodumping?” Roman asked.

“Yeah.”

“Oh. I uh- I had read about it, but I didn’t realize I did that. I don’t- Like I never connect my own traits to autistic things. In the moment at least. Is that weird?”

Titania unfroze and scuttled down Roman’s back to settle on his foot.

“Nah,” Virgil said, “I think that makes sense. You’re not used to considering things you've always done as things linked with autism. Plus struggling to connect your own actions or experiences to a concept can also be an autistic thing. But I mean, I also couldn’t tell you for sure. These are your experiences after all.”

“Okay.”

“So, ‘the show must go on?’” Virgil asked. Adva wiggled out of hiding to sit on his shoulder.

Roman started rubbing his leg again.

“Yeah,” he agreed, “So the term originated in the 19th century, right? And really- no one knows exactly who said it. But it definitely started in circuses. Usually it referred to when animals got free or people got injured. The concept was that the idea of either of those things could be potentially scary to an audience. And if your audience left, you weren’t pulling in revenue. So it referred to moving past and continuing to perform even when that happened. And that happened surprisingly a lot. Which is sorta concerning but not the point. Later it started to be applied to show business in general and then it stayed as a phrase people used to insist that things had to keep going even when things go wrong or not as planned,” he concluded.

He paused, looked up at Virgil and held his gaze intensely. He dropped it after a moment, “I mean the origin makes sense so it's probably not very interesting because it’s very predictable but-”

“Roman.”

“Uh, yeah?”

“That’s really neat. Thanks for sharing. I didn’t know that.”

Roman visibly brightened, smile widening to stretch across his face. Titania raced back up him to peer over his shoulder before racing back down him once more.

“Oh. thanks. I mean I’m glad to tell you- theater is just so cool.”

Virgil thought he perhaps had an idea of one of Roman’s Special Interests.

Roman looked like he was maybe going to say something else, but at that moment someone called his name.

His head shot up, looking for noise. Titania gestured to a group waiting for him.

“Okay yeah, I gotta go practice,” Roman said, “Thanks for letting me talk.”

“Anytime,” Virgil said.

“Okay. Yeah. And you really are okay? Because I can’t always tell,” Roman said.

“Yeah. I’m good. Anxious but good,” Virgil promised.

“Okay,” Remus said with a nod, he then shook his head, letting his hair fly a bit. He smiled for a brief second before desperately fixing his hair and rushing off.

Virgil watched him go, a fond smile still settled across his face. He was only pulled away when his phone buzzed in his pocket.

 

> Logan: You can come over.

Something like relief settled in him. He texted back.

 

> Virgil: k on my way  
>  Virgil: will text when i get there

The read receipt appeared, and Virgil was comforted by the knowledge that Logan had seen it. He hadn’t asked a question, so he doubted Logan would reply, but the timestamp at least let Virgil know that he had seen it.

Virgil grabbed his things, texted both Patton and Roman, and left school.

He made his way quickly to Logan’s house, texting him just as he arrived at the front door. He put his phone away and knocked three times.

A little while later and a small form opened the door.

“Virgil! You’re back!” Suzie shouted, “I missed you!”

“Hey Suzie, I missed you too,” he admitted. Her daemon was in the form of a small finch at the moment.

“Hugs?” she asked.

“Course,” Virgil permitted. He crouched down a little so he was at perfect tackling height. She slammed into him, and even though Virgil was expecting it he couldn’t help let out a small, “Oof.”

Suzie just laughed and hugged him tight.

“You gotta visit more!” she insisted, “You stopped coming over.”

“Yeah I’m sorry about that,” he said sheepishly. She continued to cling to him.

“It’s okay!” she said, “I forgive you! Logan said that you probably needed space for a little bit and even though you weren’t coming over that didn’t mean that you didn’t like me or him or- or- anyone. It just meant you needed some alone time. And alone time is okay! But I’m glad you're back.”

Virgil felt like his chest was being squeezed tight. But it had to be imaginary because Suzei wasn’t clinging to him nearly that hard.

“I- uh, I’m glad I’m back too Suzie,” he croaked, “It’s good to see you.”

“Uh huh,” she said, nuzzling her face into his shoulder. He carefully raised a hand to brush at her hair.

“Suzie hon, do you wanna go help your Mama with those cookies for Logan?”

“Okay! C’mon Catalina,” Suzie encouraged, calling her daemon back towards her as she detached from Virgil. A second later and she had disappeared.

“Virgil,” Logan’s mom said once Suzie was out of earshot.

He stood waved a bit awkwardly. Adva hid further under his hood.

Logan’s mom must hate him. I mean he’d been kind of a shitty friend lately, it’d make sense for her to hate him. He kept hurting Logan, and it was a mother’s job to protect her kids.

He braced himself for the rejection that was sure to come.

“It is good to see you,” she said.

That had not been what Virgil had been expecting. It threw him off balance as he scrambled to figure out how to respond.

“Oh- uh…”

“The two of you going to work things out?” she asked.

“I mean that’s- that’s the plan?” Virgil admitted, wondering exactly where this was going. Why wasn’t she mad at him? He had hurt Logan.

“Good. I don’t know what’s going on exactly but I hate to see the two of you not getting along. You’re too good of friends to not work things out.”

“How do you know that?” Virgil blurted.

She raised her eyebrows and hummed.

“I mean- how do you know I’m a good friend?” A good person. “You don’t even know what I did. I hurt Logan.”

She didn’t even seem mad at Virgil. She wasn’t- she wasn’t angry or scolding him and Virgil didn’t understand. He had hurt Logan, why wasn’t she upset?

“Did you do it on purpose? Hurt him?” she asked.

“No- but that doesn’t-”

“Would you do it again?”

“No! But-”

“Do you regret doing it? Are you going to work on not doing it ever again?”

“Yes, yes, to both. Of course. But-”

“But what?”

This didn’t make sense. What was she _doing_?

“You’re his mom!” Virgil shouted, “I- shouldn’t you- aren’t you supposed to protect him?”

He regretted his outburst immediately. He shriveled up under her gaze and felt Adva do the same on his back.

“Protect him from you?” she asked.

Virgil didn’t respond, and just scuffed his foot on the floor. Adva shriveled further into his neck. Logan’s mom sighed, and when Virgil looked back up, she was staring directly at him.

“Virgil, here’s the truth. Logan’s going to get hurt. A lot probably. That’s how life works sometimes. I can’t protect him from everything. Do I want to? Of course I do, I’m his mom, I don’t _want_ him hurt. But he _will_ get hurt, so sometimes all I can do is be here for the fallout to support him when that happens. But Virgil, I have _never_ , not _once_ , thought you posed any serious harm to him. _Ever_. Okay?”

“Okay,” Virgil said meekly, even if he didn’t quite understand.

“Good,” she nodded, firm and decisive. “Logan’s in his room.”

Virgil nodded, and turned to the stairs. He took a breath and began to climb.

Logan’s room was dark. All the lights were off and the heavy curtains were drawn tight over the windows in his room.

When Virgil’s eyes adjusted, the first thing he noticed was the fort built off of Logan’s desk.

“Hey Lo,” he called softly.

He got no reply.

Adva slowly made her way out from under his hood. She glanced up at Virgil and then slowly worked down his front and onto Logan’s floor. From there she made her way to the fort and crawled her way inside. Virgil let her and took his own spot on the floor near Logan’s bed. He pulled up a game on his phone and waited.

Eventually there was a small huffing noise from inside the fort.

“Hey Logan. Is that an ‘okay, you can come into the fort now?’”

Logan’s fingers snapped.

“Okay. I’m gonna come in. Make another noise if you don’t want me too.”

Virgil waited for a moment, but there was only silence. He shrugged, moved towards Logan’s desk fort, and got on his hands and knees. He crawled slowly into the fort, carefully to not hit anything with too much force in case he knocked it all down.

The instant he had made it in, Adva was scrambling back up him.

Logan was under the desk portion. He was crammed up small against the wall, tucked into a ball. He wasn’t wearing a shirt, but he was wearing an unzipped jacket.

Virgil’s old hoodie.

Virgil had loved that hoodie, had it since he was a little kid. But then he found the one he almost always wore now and he fell in love. The old hoodie was nice, but the greys and black weren’t him- not quite. But it had been safe. When he found the one with the purple patches it had been a big moment. It was brighter and bolder than he was used to, but still dark colors. It was a good stepping stone for Virgil, a lot more him.

Logan had been devastated.

Logan had insisted that he loved the new jacket and that it looked great on Virgil and Virgil knew that was the truth. But he also noticed the urgent humming and the twisting fingers and how Logan clenched his jaw but refused to chew on his stim necklace. Virgil had asked about, checked in, and Logan had insisted it was fine, he liked the new jacket.

Then Virgil wore it to school.

Logan had been frantic and so upset. He’d gone straight up to Virgil and asked where his jacket was- where his old jacket was. Virgil had mentioned that it was at home and Logan had just shoved him and then stormed down the hall. Virgil had been frozen for a solid ten seconds, before racing after him.

He had asked what was wrong and Logan had just broken down crying because the jacket was Virgil. He explained that he was trying to be okay with the fact that the jacket wasn’t Virgil. But for so long in Logan’s head the jacket and Virgil went hand in hand.

Now they didn’t.

They talked it out, Logan explaining he didn’t expect Virgil to change what he wore for him, but that it was something he was struggling with. Virgil had agreed, saying that he really liked the new jacket but that he was hearing Logan and understood that this was important to him.

A day later, Virgil had brought over his old jacket, and presented it to Logan.

At first Logan had been confused, but then when he understood that Virgil was giving it to him he immediately handed it back. It had been Virgil’s turn to be confused but then Logan started flapping his hands and Virgil realized he wasn’t refusing to take it, he just hadn’t wanted to drop it. It was Special. It was Important.

Logan had flapped his hands for ages.

“ _My jacket_ ,” Virgil observed.

“ _Your? You give me. My jacket now, thank you very m-u-c-h_.”

Virgil laughed.

Logan made a face at the noise, ducking his head and curling his arms up over it, eyes peering just above his knees to still see Virgil sign. Samson- who Virgil had just noticed- flapped his wings harshly in his own corner of the fort before tucking up as small as he could manage.

“ _Sorry. Sorry. I quiet._ ”

“ _Thank you_ ,” then, “ _You laugh_.”

“ _Yes_.”

“ _No. You laugh why question mark_.”

“ _I laugh because you funny. You make me happy_.”

“ _Sorry say quiet. Don’t mean can’t be happy, can’t laugh_.”

“ _I know. I know. We o-k_.”

Logan nodded, decisive, and lowered his hands from his head.

“ _I have few things I want to discuss with you. We can table discussion and talk later. Which_?” Virgil started.

“ _Not right table_ ,” was Logan’s immediate response.

Virgil smiled at the sight. It was such a Logan thing to be overwhelmed and still correcting his grammar.

“ _Know better sign?_ ”

“ _...No._ ”

“ _Then table_.”

Logan scowled, but the edges of his mouth were curved in a smile.

“ _Which_?” Virgil asked again.

“ _Talk_.”

“ _You o-k with say talk when we sign but not allow me use table_?” he teased. He added on a, “ _j, j, j,_ ” so Logan knew it was a joke.

Logan scowls further, but his smile also grew. Virgil takes it as a win.

“ _First_ ,” Virgil signed, because this was absolutely most important. “F _irst I very sorry I touch you during m-e-l-t-d-o-w-n. I stop s-t-i-m. And I stop s-t-i-m because you hurt yourself. But we have rules for when I touch you and I broke. Sorry_.”

Logan brought his hand to his face, the sleeve of the jacket hanging over his hand. He rubbed the material against his face a few times.

“ _I didn’t like that,_ ” he admitted, “ _But I don't really remember. And I know you will only touch me if you have to. I trust you. I forgive you._ ”

“ _Not now, but I want talk b-o-u-n-d-a-r-i-e-s again. I know not touch you during m-e-l-t-d-o-w-n, but this one I feel I had to. Want talk about what you want me do if happen again. Yeah_?”

“ _O-k. Later_.”

“ _Later_ ,” Virgil agreed. There were other things that needed to be addressed first. He hesitated. Here came the more difficult part.

“ _Second. I ignore you r-e-c-e-n-t-l-y. Sorry, don't know how sign that? But I want ex-_ ”

“ _You need communicate with me_ ,” Logan interrupted.

“ _I know._ ”

“ _No. Virgil you_ have to.”

A subtle shift of the same sign. ‘Need’ taps twice, needling away, a reminder. ‘Have to’ strikes down once, it was firm, decisive. It wasn’t something you could argue. Same handshape, same motion. Completely different.

“Have to _Virgil. I understand brain, anxiety, become hard for you. I know you get in head. You think- you think I leave. I don't need you. You bad person. You leave because you think you right, you think hurt less, you scared. I understand, okay? We talk about this before. I understand. But I need you to talk to me. You don’t need say anything. But I need know. You want space? I give space. But you need communicate. Understand_?”

Virgil did.

“ _I understand_.”

“ _Okay. Good_ ,” Logan signed. Then suddenly his eyes watered, and tears started to spill over in less than a second.

“ _Sorry, sorry_ ,” Logan quickly signed as tears fell down his face.

“ _Sorry what? Cry sorry? No need sorry,_ ” Virgil insisted. Adva climbed off him to go towards Logan, even as she didn’t quite touch him.

“ _No. No_ ,” Logan insisted, still crying, “ _I emotional. But not upset, not happy, not need to talk about crying. Body just needs cry. I think? Ignore._ ”

“ _Really_?”

Logan nodded and Virgil let it drop.

“ _I just_ ,” Logan hesitated, “ _I didn’t know what I need do_.”

Virgil frowned and tilted his head, not quite understanding. What Logan needed to do? What did he need to do?

“ _What you mean_?” Virgil asked.

“ _I mean you stop talking and I don’t- what do I do? You leave and I think know why, right? I think I know Virgil in hard time, in head, pull away. But I don’t know what do. You don’t talk with me. You don’t text. You stop come home with me. You break routine. And I never know what I do? I can't do everything. That why you need communicate_.”

“ _I know. I know_ ,” Virgil sighed. He shifted, thought about it. “ _I do know Logan, really. I know. I work on this. For real. I mentally ill. I struggle. But I hurt you during. You right, not fair you. I can struggle. But I struggle and don't communicate and intentionally hurt you. And that not fair. You right. I will change. I change now_.”

Logan watched him, and then nodded.

“ _I love you. I promise_ ,” Logan signed.

Virgil’s throat closed up and he buried his own head in his knees for a moment before lifting his head again. Logan said he loved him. Virgil finally believed that. Logan loved him, unconditionally, without fault, of his own doing. Virgil trusted that.

“ _ILY, same_ ,” Virgil signed. “ _ILY_.”

The both sat together for a minute. They didn’t touch, and Logan didn’t look at him, but Virgil had never felt more connected.

“ _Me and my dad start family therapy_ ,” Virgil signed eventually. Logan said nothing, but his eyes tracked Virgil’s movements. Virgil hesitated. “ _In individual therapy I bring up I scared lose you_.”

Logan frowned, and Sam shifted for the first time in ages.

“ _You made mistake, Virgil. You not lose me. I go nowhere. I stay_.”

Adva left Logan’s side and raced back to Virgil. She buried herself back in his jacket pocket.

“ _No. No. I know_ ,” Virgil said, but did he? “ _I don’t know? Which? I don’t know_.” He sighed, hands stilling for a second as he tried to figure out what to sign next. “ _My mom_ ,” Virgil eventually started, “ _My mom. She past try and make my dad choose. I-_ ” Virgil shook his head, suddenly frustrated as he tried to figure out what to say next. “ _You o-k with me talking? I don’t know all signs. I can try fingerspell if you need me quiet_.”

Logan considered for a moment.

“ _You can talk_ ,” he eventually allowed, “ _Just quiet please_.”

“ _Yes_ ,” Virgil agreed, “Okay. So my mom- she used to- well she used to make my dad choose? Or try to choose. My mom used to threaten me and my dad, saying that she’d leave us. And she would say that my dad had to choose between going with her and staying with me. It was a fairly common fight they had when I was younger, pretty much right after Adva Settled. By the time I met you they didn’t really do that anymore.”

Virgil swallowed and tried to figure out how to continue. Logan didn’t look at him, but Samson had turned his head to stare right at Virgil. He continued.

“But my mom- and my dad- I mean he never actually answered her? She was usually- well I mean she was already past upset at that point? So my dad never answered, they’d both just continue to fight. But uh- well I mean it made me really scared that he would leave me? That they both would. Because I mean- he never answered, right? And I know- like I guess I know internally that he’d never leave me. I think? But it’s hard to rationalize against that fear when I have those memories.”

Virgil sighed and took a deep breath to steady his breathing. Adva curled tighter in his pocket. She was doing that a lot today. It was terrifying being vulnerable like this. So much could go wrong.

“And I guess I’m just scared that everyone else I care about will leave me too? And you’re dating Patton now- which is amazing. I’m really happy for you. And I know- I know Patton isn’t like that. He’s not like my mom. He wouldn’t make you choose. I know that. But it’s- i still have this irrational fear that something like that will happen. And then you’ll choose him and you’ll leave me. Even though I know that’s obviously not going to happen.”

Logan sat still for a minute, unmoving as he processed Virgil’s words. Samson hopped over to Virgil and clamored up to his shoulder to affectionately bump into Virgil’s head.

“ _Your mom really start make me mad_ ,” Logan signed eventually.

Virgil let out a short, anxious laugh.

“ _Virgil that not happen_ ,” Logan added after a moment. “ _I can love you and Patton. And if Patton try make me choose, that bad. If either you, him, anyone, tell me ‘you have choose. Choose one,’ that bad. That mean bad relationship. If they ask me choose, demand me choose with no reason, no discussion, that one I need not choose. You understand_?”

“ _Yeah_ ,” Virgil agreed, switching back to ASL, “ _Yeah I know. Hard think l-o-g-i-c-a-l-l-y sometimes. Hard to remember_.”

“ _That o-k_ ,” Logan said, “ _That o-k. You communicate. That all I ask. I will help remind many times you need. Again and again if you need. I here for you. Just communicate_.”

“ _I will_ ,” Virgil promised.

Just then, Logan’s door creaked open.

Virgil carefully peeked out of the fort. Suzie stood at the door, shifting from one foot to the other.

“ _Logan_?” she asked.

“ _Wait_ ,” Virgil signed. He ducked back into the fort.

“ _Suzie_ ,” Virgil told him, “ _She ask for you_.”

Logan hesitated and looked around the fort, seeming to debate something.

“ _Don’t want move_ ,” he said.

“ _O-k_ ,” Virgil agreed, “ _I can ask leave. I can sign for you. She can come in f-o-r-t. Which?_ ”

“ _She can come in,_ ” Logan eventually answered, “ _Small space. Careful not touch. Tell her please_?”

“ _Yes_.”

Virgil peeked back out and signed what Logan had agreed to. Suzie perked up and raced forward. She slowed when she reached the fort and carefully peeked, keeping her limbs close to her body, carefully following Logan’s request.

“ _Hi Lo_!” she signed, “ _Mom and Mom and I make cookie. S-a-m-e-f-o-o-d cookie. You don’t have to come. But we down s-t-a-i-r-s. Mom and Mom t-u-r-n lights off. Now not bright now for your eyes_.”

Logan sighed and tapped his leg. Suzie just waited. A minute later and he nodded. Suzie brightened immediately and she jumped a bit in place.

“ _O-k, see you soon. I go_ ,” she signed, “ _yes_?”

“ _Yes_ ,” Logan agreed.

“ _O-k, bye_.”

She disappeared from the fort, leaving Virgil and Logan alone.

“ _Cookie_?” Virgil signed.

Logan nodded, and they left the fort.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TW: Unhealthy Relationship (past)** (Virgil's mom used to treat both her son and husband in unhealthy ways and threatened to leave them and make her husband choose between her and her son), **Threats** (Virgil's mom used to threaten to leave him and leave her husband as well if he chose Virgil over her)
> 
> My tumblr is [thechildoflightning](https://thechildoflightning.tumblr.com/). Feel free to send in asks, keep updated, and see extra stuff involved with this story.


	16. Practice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Practice (v)- perform (an activity) or exercise (a skill) repeatedly or regularly in order to improve or maintain one's proficiency.
> 
> A brief intermission before jumping right back into the chaos. Virgil's crush grows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **TW: Spiraling Thoughts, Injury (mention), Death (mention), Unsympathetic Remus (mention)**  
>  In Depth TW In End Notes
> 
> Important: There is only one chapter left. I'm still debating if I'm going to break it up into a final chapter plus epilogue, or one chapter all together. That being said, this story is coming to a close. Thank you all for your continued support. I hope you enjoy.

Roman moved, shaking his head loosely. Virgil, not expecting it, smeared a bit of eyeshadow across his face.

Virgil scowled.

“Sorry,” Roman said immediately.

“Tell me if you’re going to move, okay?” Virgil insisted.

“I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to tell me to not move at all,” Roman remarked.

“You can move if you want, I don’t care you just need to tell me so I don’t get eyeshadow all across your face,” Virgil insisted. He picked up a makeup wipe and carefully began to clean the unwanted streak on Roman’s face.

“Okay,” Roman said. He stilled his head and began to stim by bouncing his leg instead of shaking his head.

Virgil passed, pulling away from Roman and going to dig through his hoodie pocket. In the left one, just below Adva, he found what he was looking for. He pulled the item out and passed it over to Roman.

Roman looked down at its twisting the cube in his hands.

“And this is…”

“A fidget cube. You can stim with it. If you want.”

Roman looked down at the small object with a slight frown and raised eyebrows. He twisted a bit more, inspecting it from all angles.

“What am I supposed to do with it?” he asked.

“Figure it out,” was Virgil’s only answer, and he picked the eyeshadow pallet and brush back up.

Roman shrugged, and began to slowly explore the object with his hands. He pressed a few buttons, rubbed at gears, and moved the small controller.

“Close your eyes,” Virgil instructed.

Roman did so, lids softly blinking close. Virgil couldn’t help but notice that his eyelashes were very full. He got back to work.

“So,” Roman drawled, “does talking count as moving.”

“I mean, yes, but you can talk. Just don’t move your head a ton and don’t move your eyes.”

“Okay,” Roman agreed, unconsciously tightened his already closed eyes.

“Keep your eyes closed, but relax.”

Roman complied, the wrinkles in his eyelids smoothing out so Virgil could continue.

“What’s up with you?” Roman eventually asked.

Virgil shrugged, which wasn’t really much use to Roman considering his eyes were still closed.

“Uh not a whole ton,” Virgil said, “I’ve been working on some self worth stuff I guess.”

“That’s awesome, you should definitely care about yourself, you’re an awesome guy.”

Virgil blushed.

“Thanks.”

“I’m serious,” Roman insisted, “I- Virgil you’re kind of incredible? I was talking to Logan and he mentioned that you joined theater in the first place just to support him? Which is incredibly kind of you. You’re a really good friend. And you’ve given me so many chances after I've continually hurt you. You’ve forgiven me, and corrected me, and let me be your friend. You help me figure out some of the uh, the, the autism stuff. I really appreciate that. Not to mention you’re funny, and kind, and witty. You’re so genuine and I really appreciate that. You’re really- You’re really good Virgil, you know that?”

Roman opens his eyes, staring deeply into Virgil’s eyes. He had an open posture and it combined with his words, pouring truth. Virgil looked at Roman and he was- he was beautiful. One eye done in make-up, the other unfinished, staring at Virgil with such honesty that it was almost blinding.

‘Oh,” Virgil heard himself say faintly.

Roman smiled and Virgil was gone. He gulped once more.

“You’re uh, you’re not supposed to open your eyes,” Virgil tried, “You uh, you- I’m not done yet.”

Roman raised an eyebrow.

“Close your eyes,” Virgil instructed, “I need to finish.”

Roman rolled his eyes, but nodded and did so. It was such a simple motion, but it sent heat through Virgil and he could feel himself blushing. Good thing Roman’s eyes were closed now.

He got back to work.

“So how’s life for you?” Virgil asked, voice still slightly weak.

“Fine,” Roman said with a shrug, “My parents are still on my case to write back to Remus, but they’re always like that, so…”

“Oh,” Virgil offered.

Roman shrugged once more, and went back to fiddling with the fidget cube that Virgil had previously given him. Titania leapt off the desk, and into his lap, before quickly scrambling down to his foot. Once she settled on Roman’s foot, he started bouncing it slightly with her still on.

“Do you- and Logan and Pat- want to do something after school today?” Roman asked abruptly. “We can go to the grocery store near school after this is over- chill, whatever.”

That sounded nice. More time with Roman sounded nice. Virgil thought Roman could propose they go almost anywhere and Virgil would still find the idea nice, because it meant more time with Roman.

“Sure,” Virgil said, mouth twitching up into a smile, “You’ll have to check with Logan though, he’s generally opposed to sudden routine changes.”

“Okay. Well we can go another day if he isn’t comfortable going today. Can I open my eyes yet? I’ll text him and Pat.”

“Give me one more minute,” Virgil insisted, as he pulled back, inspecting his work, before making a few more alterations. “Okay you’re good, go ahead and open your eyes. Tell me what you think.”

Roman did so, and swiveled to look away from Virgil and into the mirror. When he saw himself his eyes widened and he immediately looked back at Virgil.

“Holy shit.”

Virgil immediately cringed. He had tried his best but it was his first time doing this sort of design and he probably should have warned Roman, shouldn’t he have? It wasn’t that great and it was just a first attempt but- Virgil should just give up, it was so bad, Roman hated it and it wouldn’t be long until Roman hated him-

“Virgil this is amazing,” Roman breathed out.”

What.

“What?” he asked.

“Virgil, this is so good, I look so cool, how did you learn to do this?”

Roman liked it?

“I just, I uh,” Virgil stumbled for words. Roman liked it. “I just got into make up and practiced a lot? I mean I know I normally do the same thing on myself but I mean, I practice sometimes in my free time. I’m really- I haven’t- I’m not amazing at it, I’m just okay.”

“Uh this is actually kind of incredible? This is… just wow Virgil. And you’re working on self worth, right? Take the compliment. You did a phenomenal job.”

Virgil blushed and ducked his head.

“Thank you,” he acknowledged, voice barely above a whisper.

“Where’d you learn how to do this anyway?” Roman asked.

“Just… videos I guess?” Virgil admitted, “And just trying things out. A lot of practice again and again and again. I uh- started a few years ago.”

“Wow,” Roman said, and continued to stare into the mirror. Virgil gave a shy smile in return.

* * *

Roman was doing cartwheels. Which was more entertaining than it probably should be. Roman had done one at the beginning of their short walk to the grocery outlet near them, and Patton had quickly bet he couldn’t make it the entire way doing only cartwheels. So far Roman was succeeding.

“Hey Pat, wanna try?” Roman asked as he did another cartwheel.

Patton let out a giggle.

“Roman, how many times have you tried to teach me to cartwheel?”

Roman paused for a moment, seeming to actually consider the rhetorical question.

“Uh, a lot. I dunno the exact number.”

“Sounds about right,” Patton agreed, “And exactly how successful have those attempts been?”

“Not very?”

“Yup,” Patton agreed.

“You’re still going to try it, aren’t you,” Glinda spoke up from his side.

“Yup!” Patton repeated, and bounded over to Roman.

Roman jumped a bit as Pat came over and clapped his hands. Logan seemed to track Roman’s motions, as Virgil looked on in interest.

Roman walked Patton through the motions step by step. It seemed that Patton already knew them to some degree, because he moved quite quickly with Roman’s motions. Roman gently corrected him in a few places, hands reaching out to adjust Patton's posture. Eventually Roman stepped back and gave a little nod. Patton looked him in the eye, took a deep breathe, and attempted a cartwheel.

He didn’t get very far, quickly falling down when he couldn’t get his legs at the right angle.

He pouted, but his eyes lit up in a way that suggested he wasn’t really upset. Glinda rejoined him, shaking her head in exasperation.

“Yeah. I don’t think I’m going to be getting that down anytime soon.

Roman laughed and gave a slight nod. He then turned back to the rest of the group.

“Logan, you want to try?”

Logan hesitated.

“C’mon,” Roman begged, “I’ll make sure you don’t get hurt or anything.”

Logan shifted, and then nodded, causing Roman’s face to split in a bright grin.

“Nope,” Samson said immediately after, “Not doing that.” He quickly left Logan, flying over to settle on Virgil instead, safely away from the cartwheel shenanigans.

Logan scoffed at Sam, but let him be, and moved onto the grass with Roman.

“Can I touch you?” Roman asked.

“No. Can we do it without?”

“Yeah, no problem,” Roman agreed easily. He began to show Logan the base movements like he did with Patton prior. The two of them took a bit longer, mostly considering Logan hadn’t tried to do a cartwheel before.

“Go ahead and try,” Roman said after a moment, stepping back from Logan.

Logan frowned, but nodded firmly and stared at the grass. He waited for just a second before launching into the movements that Roman showed him.

He was surprisingly successful. Seeing Patton’s attempt and watching the motions, Virgil had honestly thought Logan would do much more poorly.

But he did the whole thing, landing with a stumble. His legs were a bit bent, much further than acceptable, but it was without a doubt a cartwheel.

“Nice job!” Roman said, “That was really good!”

Virgil nodded in agreement as Patton gave a few claps of acknowledgement.

And then Roman turned his gaze toward Virgil.

“Your turn,” he said.

Virgil should have expected this. Patton went. Then Logan. Of course Virgil was next, he should've guessed.

He didn’t know what to say. It looked challenging and a bit difficult and Virgil really didn’t want to get hurt. Plus, even if he didn’t get hurt he would without doubt mess up. His friends would all see him and they’d all laugh because Virgil couldn’t even do a cartwheel-

Logan wouldn’t laugh. Virgil knew he wouldn't. And he trusted Patton and Roman as well.

He could take this risk.

“Okay,” he agreed, his voice much more confident than he felt. He traded out place with Logan on the grass, letting Samson fly over to him and dropping Adva in his open hands.

Roman’s smile grew impossibly wider.

“Yes!” he exclaimed, giving a few jumps in his excessive excitement, stimming to manage the strong emotions.

Virgil returned the smile.

“Can I touch you?” Roman asked, coming to his side.

Virgil thought about it, and nodded.

A second later, and Roman’s gentle hands were on him, showing him the first step. Together, they walked through each part, Roman describing what each part would feel like and what Virgil needed to do. His hands were impossibly light on Virgil’s skin and each time he let go, Virgil found himself craving the contact.

Just like before, Roman eventually stepped back and gestured at the open grass, expecting Virgil to try the cartwheel.

Shit.

Virgil had definitely not listened to any of that due to focusing on Roman’s warm smile, bright eyes, and drifting hands instead of the steps.

Shit. He was going to fuck this up for sure.

But he had to try it now, he said he would. Roman had shown him all the steps, he couldn’t back out now.

Virgil took a few short breaths- noticing but ignoring how shallow they were- and dove into the cartwheel. It started alright, but the moment his hands were on the grass and his feet above his head he started to panic.

He was upside down and he could fall. He could get hurt, he could crack his head open, he could die, why was he doing this it was dangerous.

Virgil bent his arms.

Which wasn’t a good idea, as it carried his head closer to the ground. He fell out of the cartwheel, waiting for impact.

His legs and back hit the floor, before his head. Which was strange considering his head was closer to the ground. In fact- his head didn’t hit at all, and there was a slight pain in his neck.

Now lying on the grass, Virgil looked up.

Roman had cupped his head, stopping it from hitting the ground.

“I told you not to bend your elbows,” he reminded, “But that was a good first try! You got your legs straight up!”

“Thanks,” Virgil said breathlessly.

Roman continued to smile down at him and offer a hand up. In a daze, Virgil took it, heart still beating rapidly with fading panic as well as appreciation for Roman. He felt heat pool in his cheeks.

“Are you okay?” Roman asked.

“Fine,” Virgil squeaked, “Uh- let’s keep going. We were headed to the grocery store, right?”

“Yup,” Roman agreed and the group moved onward. Virgil stayed a half step behind with his head ducked, hoping that the blush would fade sooner rather than later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **In Depth TW: Spiraling Thoughts** (Virgil's thoughts spiral numerous times to the worst case scenario), **Injury (mention)** (Virgil fears getting injured), **Death (mention)** (Virgil fears death), **Unsympathetic Remus (mention)** (Remus- an unsympathetic character in this au- is mentioned once)
> 
> My tumblr is [thechildoflightning](https://thechildoflightning.tumblr.com/). Feel free to send in asks, keep updated, and see extra stuff involved with this story.


	17. Breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Breathe (v)- take air into the lungs and then expel it, especially as a regular physiological process.  
> A good story starts and ends with a lack of communication.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **TW: Panic Attack, Spiraling Thoughts**  
>  In Depth TW in End Notes

“I feel like we’ve been here before,” Roman commented with a small smirk as Virgil applied the brush to his face.

Virgil rolled his eyes, even though Roman wouldn’t be able to see him right now with his eyes closed.

“You’re hilarious,” Virgil snarked back.

“I know.”

Roman started bouncing his leg, a bit more frantic then normal. It was a slight difference to Roman’s rhythm, but it was enough that Virgil noticed.

“Are you nervous?” Virgil asked, “Y’know, for opening night?”

“No,” Roman said immediately, more reflective than actually thought through.

“Really?” Virgil asked.

“We’re fine,” Titania said off to the side.

“Yeah, no, I’m nervous,” Roman admitted.

“Hmm,” Virgil said, getting back to work on Roman’s face as he considered what to say.

“I don’t know, it’s weird,” Roman admitted, “I’m not usually nervous. I mean I am a little bit sometimes. I mean- okay I get normal pre-show jitters all the time. That’s normal. It’s kinda- I mean I’m used to it, it’s familiar, I don’t mind it. This isn’t that.”

Virgil nodded, pulling back to see if the makeup was even.

“Why’s it different?” Virgil asked.

Roman shrugged.

“I dunno,” he admitted, “Just- it’s different.”

“Different how?” Virgil asked. Roman stopped bouncing his leg for a second before bouncing it even fiercer than before.

“I don’t know,” Roman admitted, this time voice smaller than before.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Virgil soothed, “It can be hard to know. Do you want to try and figure it out or do you just want to ignore it?”

“Well now I want to know,” Roman huffed. Titania scrambled up Roman, up to the top of his head, getting dangerously close to Virgil.

“Okay. Well what’s different about this time then? Think about it,” Virgil encouraged as he continued to work.

“I mean… I’m an upperclassman this year,” Roman admitted. “But that isn’t that much different. My role has largely been the same. I uh- I’m I don’t think anything else is really different. Or- well I guess- oh. _Oh_.”

Roman’s face brightened in realization and he opened his eyes to look at Virgil. Virgil rolled his eyes but pulled the brush he had been applying the make up with away from Roman’s face as he waited for his next words.

“Virgil, you’re a genius,” he said seriously.

That wasn’t what Virgil was expecting.

“Oh?” Virgil asked, heart beating rapidly at the praise and sincerity. “I mean I don’t-”

“Genius,” Roman repeated, and he bounced in his seat. “Genius. I figured it out.”

“You did?”

Roman nodded rapidly and just took to shaking his head, Titania racing down his back so as not to fall off. He seemed to catch himself after a moment, realizing what he was doing and desperately fixing his hair in the mirror so it wasn’t a mess when he went on stage.

“I know what’s different,” Roman said after he was satisfied with his hair.

“What?” Virgil asked.

“You,” Roman said, and Virgil’s heart dropped. Suddenly he felt like he couldn’t breathe. The walls were closing in and there wasn’t enough space. There was no way Roman felt the same way about him. There was- It wasn’t possible. Was it?

But no, no Roman said he was nervous Virgil was making him nervous. Roman didn’t like him at all, here Virgil was making Roman nervous on opening night Roman probably didn’t even want to be his friend, much less date him.

Adva withered into a tight ball deep in his pocket.

“Oh. Uh- sorry?”

“What for?” Roman asked with a frown.

“For making you nervous.”

Roman’s eyes widened as he realized what Virgil was saying and he desperately waved his hands.

“No, no, no it’s not your fault Virgil. I’m saying- it’s- you- you're nice to be around. And you’re- I mean you’re going to be backstage so you aren’t really going to be watching but you are going to be here and- you’ll be watching me. I want to do well. For you.”

“You- you do?” Virgil asked

“Yeah,” Roman said with a small smile.

Virgil took a deep breath and gathered every bit of courage he had.

“Roman,” he said heart pounding in his ears, “Can I kiss you?”

“What?” Roman asked.

Virgil’s heart beat louder. Oh gosh what did he just do? What did Virgil think was going to happen?

But Roman continued to look utterly confused so Virgil cleared his throat and worked up the last bit of courage he had.

“Roman,” he repeated, “Can-”

The door opened and someone came stumbling through.

“Roman,” the stranger hissed, “You need your mic, come on you’re running behind.”

Roman gave a last glance at Virgil, “oh uh, sure. Are you finished Virgil?”

“I um yup,” he agreed quickly, even though he actually wasn’t. But it looked fine enough and Virgil’s thoughts were spiraling.

Roman gave a nod to Virgil and left the room.

Shit.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

What did Virgil just do?

Did he really just ask Roman to kiss him? What the fuck was he thinking- was he insane? Roman and him were friends now and Virgil was ruining it, he was destroying Roman’s life and there was no way he’d like Virgil and-

God what was he _thinking_.

Virgil felt the heavy sinking fear of panic settle on his chest as it got harder to breathe. Tears pricked at the corner of his eyes and he struggled to blink them back, not wanting to panic in a public place.

He couldn’t fall apart here. People would see him.

He got up, fight, flight, or freeze kicking in to choose flight. He quickly fled the room, dipping down a mostly unused hall until he got to the end.

He crumpled into a ball and shoved his face into his knees, trying to breathe.

Adva crawled out of his pocket to settle on his knees, her small familiar claws scratching into him as she stared up at him with wide eyes.

God what was Virgil doing with his life? He was fucking it up so much.

“Virgil?” a voice asked, and Virgil froze.

“Hey Virgil?”

Virgil said nothing, breath coming out in desperate pants as he tied to get himself together.

Patton settled slowly in front of Virgil, close while still giving him space.

“Hey,” Patton said softly.

Virgil said nothing, and just worked on continuing to breathe.

“It’s going to be okay Virgil,” Patton soothed, “Everything’s alright.”

Glinda stepped a bit closer to peer at Adva. Adva skittered off Virgil to join Glinda on the floor, staring up at the larger creature. Glinda dipped down to do her best to get on Adva’s level.

“Deep breaths,” Patton encouraged, “You’re going to be alright. Whatever it is, we’ll get through it. You are safe and you are loved.”

Virgil choked on a sob and nodded fiercely in acknowledgement. He took a deep breath and felt his panic start to ebb. He took another, and finally began to calm down.

He kept breathing for a while more, room silent except for Virgil’s gasps and Patton’s quiet soothing.

Eventually Virgil felt calm, and he uncurled himself from the tight ball he had wound himself up in. Adva raced back over to him and climbed up his chest to his shoulder, settling between his neck and shoulder.

“Feeling a bit better?” Patton asked.

Virgil nodded, and Patton smiled at him.

“Patton. I think I fucked up,” Virgil admitted.

“Okay,” Patton said, “Then you fucked up. What now?”

That- wasn’t the answer Virgil was expecting. Virgil was being thrown too many curve balls today. It was too much.

“What?” he asked.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Patton explained, “I doubt you fucked up whatever it is, but I don’t know for sure, because I don’t know what it is. So let’s say, okay, you did fuck up. What now?”

“I don’t know,” Virgil admitted.

He’d ruined his friendship with Roman.

“Okay,” Patton said, “That’s alright. Now, if you didn’t fuck up, what now?”

“I don’t know,” Virgil said again.

“Alright,” Patton said, “What can I do to support you?”

“I- I don’t know.”

“Okay. Then I’ll sit here with you until you ask me to leave or do something else,” Patton decided, and he settled in to wait.

Virgil just stared at him.

“The uh- it’s opening night. It’s like five minutes before curtains. Is that the phrase? I still have no idea how any of this works.”

“Opening night can wait,” Patton said, “You’re more important.”

Oh. Well okay then.

Virgil sat there, staring at Patton some more, even as his mind wandered. Adva gently shoved him and Virgil took her in his hands. She gave him a knowing look, and Virgil sighed.

“I think I know what I need to do,” Virgil admitted.

Patton gave a nod of acknowledgement.

“Whether I fucked up, or, or not. I need to talk to Roman.”

“Okay. That’s really brave of you to figure out and accept.”

Virgil turned his gaze back to Patton and raised an eyebrow.

“I’m not brave,” he insisted.

“Then what do you call coming to terms with difficult thoughts after panicking?”

Virgil blinked at him and then ducked his head, not really knowing what else to stay. After a minute, he stood up.

“Thanks Patton,” he said quietly as Patton stood next to him.

“No problem,” he encouraged.

“I think I’m okay now. You can go back to doing whatever.”

Patton gave a slight nod, a warm hug, and then headed off back in the direction of the stage. Virgil took a deep breath and followed. He’d talk to Roman when he got the chance.

 _If_ he got a chance. Maybe he could just avoid Roman and this would all go away?

Virgil knew he should talk to him. But it was so easy to avoid him during opening night because of how busy and frantic everyone was, trying to run the show smoothly. And it ended up being just as easy to casually avoid Roman for the next three days of the show under the guise of not having the time to talk. It was so easy to do, Virgil even convinced himself that he really was busy, not that he was avoiding Roman.

He was definitely avoiding Roman.

He was going to keep avoiding Roman.

“Nope, I’m not going,” he told Logan, who was following him through the hall. Samson landed on Virgil’s head as Logan raced after him.

“You can’t avoid the cast and crew party after all the work you put into this show,” Logan said.

“Not doing it.”

“Yes. We are. We’re going. And if you or I get overwhelmed once we’re there, then we can leave. But we’re trying. I’m not sure why you’re so anxious about this.”

“I don’t want to go.”

“You were fine going a few days ago. What happened?”

“I fucked things up.”

“I doubt that.”

“I need to talk to Roman,” Virgil tried, switching tactics.

“Okay. So talk to him at the party.”

“I don’t want to talk to Roman.”

“Oh. Why not?”

Virgil sighed, turning to face Logan. Logan quickly avoided his gaze, eyes floating up even as Virgil knew he was giving him his attention.

“I- I just- I think- I don’t know.”

Virgil shook his head and sighed loudly.

“I know why,” he said, “But I don’t really want to talk about it right now. But I need to talk to Roman. I know I need to. I- it’s just hard working up the courage to do so.”

“We don't have to talk about it,” Logan said, “As long as you know that I am here to support you to the best of my ability. I understand your- okay no. I don’t understand your anxiety. At all. But your feelings and emotions are valid, even if I don’t understand them, and I feel like it is important that I reaffirm their validity in this moment.”

“Thanks,” Virgil mumbled, “Can I have a hug?”

Logan considered the question for a moment before nodding. Virgil moved in, grasping his friend firmly and tightly as he tried to balance the pressure, Logan returning the gesture in the same manner, and Virgil melted into the embrace. After a minute Logan’s grip loosened and he started to stiffen instead of relax into it, so Virgil let go.

“Thank you,” he said.

Logan nodded.

“The party?” Virgil said.

“What about it?” Logan said with a frown.

“Do you want to go?”

“Yes. I just told you that I think we should- oh you mean right now? Are you asking me if we want to leave together for the party right this second? And that you will be going?”

“Yes,” Virgil clarified.

“Oh okay. Yes. Lets go.”

When they got there, Logan seemed to immediately regret his decision. The music wasn’t terribly loud, especially with the addition of Logan’s noise cancelling headphones, but the lights flashed brightly, making Logan blink rapidly and look away. Virgil gently steered him away and they sat down together outside.

Logan flapped his hands a bit to calm down.

Patton then saw them, just arriving himself, and raced over. He looked like he was about to cheerfully greet them, when he noticed Logan’s anxious stimming and felt quiet. He sat on Logan’s other side, still giving him a bit of space while still staying close.

“Hi,” Logan eventually greeted Patton.

“Hi,” Patton said back, “What’s going on?”

“I can’t go inside.” Logan flapped his hands a few times in fierce frustration. Samson flew down from him to land next to Glinda before lightly hopping onto her back.

“Okay. Do you want to go inside?” Patton asked.

“Yes.”

“Why can’t you go inside?”

Logan huffed, tapping his foot, and shook his head, not seeming to know how to vocalize the overstimulation of the flashing lights. Virgil understood that’s what it had most likely been, but he also wasn’t one to talk over Logan, even if it took Logan longer to communicate. Virgil would only jump in to assist if somehow called on by Logan.

“Okay. you want to go inside, but you can’t,” Patton said, “Is it… uh is it due to sensory input?”

Logan nodded.

“Okay gotcha. Is it the noise?”

Logan shook his head.

“The lights?”

Logan nodded.

“Okay,” Patton said, “Well if you want to go inside, I could go inside first and get the flashing lights turned off. Would that help?”

“I think so,” Logan muttered.

“Okay,” Patton agreed, “I’ll be right back.”

Samson returned to Logan’s side, allowing Patton to leave with Glinda. A few minutes later the flashing lights were blinking off, and the light in the room settled to one brightness and color. Not long after that and Patton was rejoining them.

“The lights are off,” he told them.

Logan nodded an acknowledgement.

“Do you want to go inside or wait out here for a bit?” Virgil asked.

Logan thought about it, tapping his foot.

“Patton, is Roman here yet?” he asked after a moment.

Patton frowned and pulled out his phone, “Uh yeah, he is.”

Logan nodded.

“You should go inside, Virgil,” Logan said, “I’ll stay with Patton for a minute.”

“I should go inside because you’re trying to get me to talk to Roman, or some other reason?”

“Talk to Roman.”

Virgil huffed, unable to put it off any longer, “Fine,” he agreed, “Text me if you end up coming in or staying out.”

Logan nodded and Virgil stood to go in search of Roman.

Roman was in fact, not easy to find. Virgil couldn’t seem to find him anywhere, and eventually the amount of people started to get to Virgil, so he pushed his way outside. And what did he find, but Roman sitting on the lawn, picking at the grass.

Virgil took a deep breath, squared his shoulders, and marched forward.

He took a seat next to Roman, and inspected the grass. Roman seemed to be making a flower crown.

“Hi,” Virgil greeted.

“Hi,” Roman acknowledged. He tied off the last flower. “Flower crown?” he offered.

Virgil ducked his head and let Roman place it on him. As he did so, Virgil noticed the small matching crown on Titania.

“I uh- wanted to talk to you,” Virgil admitted.

“You’ve been avoiding me,” Roman noted.

Virgil sighed and stretched out his legs, staring across the lawn.

“Yeah,” he admitted, “I have.”

“You asked to kiss me. And then you avoided me. Did you not mean to ask that?”

“Oh well… I mean… It was just something… I-”

Virgil cut himself off with a huff and picked at his nails.

“Do you want to kiss me?” Roman asked.

“I- not if it’s going to ruin our friendship,” Virgil asked, “Forget I asked.”

“That wasn’t my question,” Roman probed gently. “Do you want to kiss me?”

Virgil sighed and started picking at the grass himself. He gave a small tiny nod.

“Oh,” Roman said, “ _Oh_.”

“I’m sorry,” Virgil said, “I don’t- I’m sorry.”

“Virgil,” Roman said, voice soft as clouds, “You don't need to be sorry. Whether or not I also want to kiss you, you don’t need to apologize for your attraction. You’ve respected me every step of the way, and you can’t control your emotions, only your actions. And you have controlled your actions. You don’t need to apologize.

“But regardless… I uh well I do feel the same way. I would like to kiss you. So there’s that.”

Virgil whipped his head up.

“Really?”

Roman nodded and turned to him. He stared at Virgil for a moment before his gaze dropped to hold Adva’s.

“Oh. I- okay.”

Roman let out a small chuckle.

“So you going to ask me again or what?”

Virgil ducked his head with a blush before lifting it back to meet Roman’s gaze.

“Roman. Can I kiss you?”

Roman nodded, and Virgil leaned it.

The kiss was firm, but soft, cool, but warm, and it was better than any kiss that Virgil had ever had. (Not that he had had many, but well-)

Roman was a great kisser, and all too soon they were breaking apart. They looked at each other for half a second, before leaning back in for a second kiss, this one longer and more desperate than the first. Eventually Roman broke apart with a chuckle, placing his forehead against Virgil’s.

“We should have done that a while ago,” he said.

“Yeah,” Virgil responded, a grin across his own face and happy butterflies flying in his stomach.

“So are we together now?” Roman asked.

“Do you want to be?” Virgil aked.

“Yeah,” Roman admitted.

“Then yeah. Yeah we are.”

“Oh. Nice.”

They kissed again.

“I can’t believe I can just do that now,” Roman said.

Virgil laughed, and they broke apart, giving a bit more room between the two of them. Virgil smiled, and took in the lawn, his brain floating somewhere in the clouds. He looked back at Roman and smiled even wider.

A few minutes later, and their scenery finally clicked in and Virgil came to a realization.

“You’re not inside?” Virgil asked. For all of Roman’s sociability and enthusiasm, Vrgil was somewhat surprised to find him outside.

“Nah,” Roman said, “It’s uh- kinda bright in there? The flashing lights are annoying. I think it’s an autism thing. Most people seem fine with them.”

Of course.

“Well you can stay put here if you want,” Virgil said, “But just so you know, the flashing lights are off now.”

“They are?” Roman asked curiously, twisting to look back out the house, “Why?”

“They were overwhelming for Logan,” Virgil explained, “So Patton asked him if Logan wanted him to ask for them to be turned off. Logan said yes, so Pat went inside and now they’re off.”

“He just… asked?” Roman said.

“Yup,” Virgil agreed. “You can- you can ask to, you know. Your needs deserve to be met.”

“It’s not a big deal,” Roman dismissed, “I just don’t like them. I don’t want to ruin everyone else’s fun.”

“Requesting accommodations you need isn’t ruining people’s fun,” Virgil insisted, “There are ways for people to continue to enjoy themselves while meeting your needs. Plus, it seems to be more than a dislike and more like overwhelming sensory input that causes you to be overstimulated. Not really the same thing as ‘I don’t like them.’”

Roman shrugged.

“Can I kiss you again?” he asked.

Virgil nodded and Roman leaned in. They kissed softly for a few seconds before breaking apart.

“Should we tell Patton and Logan?” Roman asked, “Y’know… about…” He made a gesture as if to explain.

“I mean, I’m not opposed, but why?”

“I dunno, I feel like they deserve to know.”

“Okay,” Virgil agreed, “Let’s go find them? Are you okay going back inside, or should I text them to meet us here.”

“Let’s find them,” Roman decided. He stood and offered Virgil his hand. Virgil took it gratefully and let himself be dragged to his feet. They continued to the house, wandering through it until they located Patton and Logan to the side.

“We uh- need to tell you something,” Virgil said. Roman nodded next to him.

“So…” Virgil said, and glanced at Roman to his side.

“I’m autistic.”

“Roman and me are together now.”

Roman and Virgil turned surprised glances to each other, and let out a shared laugh at the miscommunication.

“We’re terrible at communication,” Roman admitted.

“Yup,” Virgil agreed, and he couldn’t help but feel content.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **In Depth TW: Panic Attack** (Virgil has a panic attack), **Spiraling Thoughts** (Virgil's thoughts tend to spiral to the worst case scenario).
> 
> Well here we are. Thank you. The End.
> 
> My tumblr is [thechildoflightning](https://thechildoflightning.tumblr.com/). Feel free to send in asks and prompts and see extra stuff involved with this story.


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